Episode 119: The Place Where It All Began (1)

When did the bed in my parents’ house become a place where I could feel at ease?

Since meeting Endo-san, I’ve tried to change myself, and my relationship with my family has gradually improved. It’s all thanks to Endo-san that I’ve become such a positive person.

In the end, wherever I am, I find myself thinking about Endo-san. Even though I’d hardly eaten anything, my mind was working perfectly well.

　The time spent in bed feels painfully long. Yet, with nowhere to go and nothing to do, I had no choice but to wait for the terrifyingly long hours to pass whilst lying there.

‘I’m in love with Endo…’

　Tears welled up and streamed down my face, carrying an emotion quite different from sadness.

　I hadn’t realised how strange my feelings for her were all this time. No, I had been pretending not to see it. I thought that if I admitted it, I’d surely end up getting hurt and suffering a great deal in the future…

I don’t want to lose another person who’s dear to me.

Even though I was filled with that feeling, I’m on the verge of losing someone I’d finally come to cherish and love.

I regret letting I love you slip out to Endo-san.

It’s her fault for showing me such beautiful stars.
It’s her fault for looking so happy beside me like that.

Even if you confess your feelings, all it does is trouble the other person — so if I had properly recognized that what I felt was romantic love, I could have kept hiding it forever. I can’t regret it enough.

It must have been disgusting to hear me say ‘I love you’ whilst crying like that…

“Haa…………”

Even after doing something so cringe-worthy, I’m now overflowing with the desire to see Endo-san. My phone had been buzzing constantly, so I switched it off to try and stop myself from thinking about it.

I wonder what Endo-san is thinking right now. I want to know, but the word ‘anxiety’ looms so large within me that I’ve pushed the thought deep into the back of my mind to avoid thinking about it.

It’s past ten o’clock, so I can’t hear any people walking outside. There’s no sound in the room either; all I can hear is my own heartbeat, and I’m starting to feel a bit queasy about it.

　What am I going to do about my life from now on?

　At the very least, I should have told her after I’d finished high school.

　Just thinking that I’ll never speak to Endo-san again, or have her by my side, brought tears to my eyes, and the colour of my pillow had changed.

　I don’t want to think about anything anymore.

　I’ll go out and get some fresh air.

　I decided to go outside without thinking about anything.

I’d wandered out in my pyjamas, and the cold air wrapped around my body, pulling my warmth away with every step.

As I wandered aimlessly, I arrived at the park where I’d first met Endo-san. Of course, there was no one else there, so I sat down in the spot where Endo-san had been sitting on that cold day.

Just like that day, it was the dead of winter, and the temperature was probably well below freezing.

It’s cold…

I can’t be with Endo-san anymore…

The feeling was gone from the tips of my fingers and toes — and yet the thought of Endo-san disappearing from my life was eating at my heart with far greater pain than any of that.

My chest ached so much I felt as though a knife were being thrust into it over and over again, and my breathing became ragged. When I tried to force myself to breathe in, the cold wind rushed in with such force it felt as though it would freeze my throat and lungs, and I started coughing — keh, keh — making it worse.

I should have just kept living with a lid on my feelings, for the sake of being with Endo-san. No matter how much I regret it, all that surfaces are facts that can’t be changed — and my body stops being able to move. When I could no longer feel any warmth in my body, the strength left me entirely.

If this continues, I’m going to die――.

I absolutely must not waste the life Endo-san saved for me in a place like this. Yet, my body and mind had become paralysed by grief.

I want to see Endo-san—.

My freezing eyelids dropped, and I closed my eyes.

　………………

‘That’s actually my favourite spot, you know.’

My eyelids, which had been about to seal shut, snapped open — and standing in front of me was the person I longed to see most, the person I loved dearly. She was smiling that usual smile of hers, showing her white teethand wearing that mischievous expression.

‘Endo-san……?’

　As I looked up at her face, the beautiful starry sky we’d gazed at together spread out before me. Standing there was Endo-san, so beautiful that even those lovely stars paled in comparison.

　Illuminated by the streetlights, her hair was a beautiful chestnut brown that clashed completely with the colour of the night sky behind her. Yet, against this seemingly incompatible backdrop, Endo-san formed a beautiful picture that was etched into my eyes.

Why on earth is Endo-san here?

Could it be that I’ve already died and am simply having a dream that’s showing me exactly what I’d wish for?

　My body was badly chilled from having gone outside in such light clothing. Seeing this, Endo-san wrapped her own scarf around me and draped her coat over my shoulders. Her scent, which I love so much, wafted gently around me, and I felt certain that this was indeed reality.

Before my body had even warmed up, the corners of my eyes grew hot.

Endo-san’s face began to blur more and more.

As tears fell from my eyes and trickled down my face, the places they touched grew cold. Endo-san’s warm, gentle hands wiped along the cold path, and the warmth returned to the places her hands had touched.

Scarf and all, I was drawn into her arms, and she pressed her lips to mine.

　As the heat I didn’t want to let go of receded, Endo-san’s face, which had been blurred until just a moment ago, came into clear view. Tears were welling up in Endo-san’s eyes too, hovering on the very brink of spilling over. When she smiled slowly and gently, they fell all at once.

‘I love you too, Takizawa—’

At those words, my heart began to beat so fast and fiercely that it felt as though it might burst right out of my chest.

Surely, I must be having a dream that suits me just fine.

I pinched my cheek, just as Endo always does, hoping the dream would end quickly.

It really did hurt.
I thought it was a rather well-made dream.

“It feels like a dream, but it isn’t.”

Endo-san held me tight and gently, tears spilling from her eyes in an unstoppable stream. Her warmth reached me, and the body that had been cold and numb just moments before was now pulsing with heat from head to toe.

‘I’ve finally said it. It was so painful not being able to say it for so long. I was scared that if I told you, Takizawa might just disappear.’

Does Endo-san feel the same way as me?

My thoughts couldn’t keep up at all; the only thing keeping pace with this situation was the rapid beating of my heart.

‘Endo-san… The way I feel about you isn’t what you think it is.’

I thought Endo-san must be misunderstanding — that she thought I meant it as a friend. Because there’s no way someone this wonderful would want me as a partner. There’s nothing about me that deserves to be loved by Endo-san.

Endo-san puffed out her cheeks slightly, as if to show her displeasure. As I tilted my head and looked at her, the air escaped from her cheeks and she broke into a smile.

“I want to touch you a lot, and experience so many things together, and be with you forever from here on. I don’t want to give you to anyone. It’s not the same as friends.”

The tears stopped flowing from Endo’s eyes, the corners of her mouth turned up gently, and she smiled.

Her voice and expression made it clear that she meant every word.

If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.
If it’s not a dream, I want this to be real.

I took a deep breath and exhaled.

Cold air flowed into my body, but within an instant, it turned warm inside me and escaped along with my words.

“Endo-san. I love you. Please go out with me.”
“Yes!”

I rose up just a little on my toes and pressed my lips to hers, then held her close. As the strength in my arms grew, she answered it — holding me just as tightly in return.

I didn’t know what lay ahead. The day might come when I lost something precious again, and the thought of that made my heart feel as though it would burst.

But I simply couldn’t bear to run away from this feeling.

I loved Endo-san, I loved her so much, and I didn’t want to let her go.

I vowed to myself that I would do my utmost to ensure I never lost something precious again, and that I would live my life loving her.