Episode 46: Despair — Honoka’s Side
side.Honoka
My legs tangle beneath me. My breath won’t come.
Even so, I kept searching, desperate.
But — nowhere. She’s nowhere.
I searched the classrooms, the gym, the entrance hall. Everywhere.
But Yuna wasn’t anywhere to be found.
“Haah… haah…”
My breathing is ragged. My whole body is shaking.
My vision sways, unsteady.
Panic and anxiety won’t let me stand properly.
“…Where are you, Yuna…!”
My voice is hoarse.
I want to scream, but my throat won’t cooperate.
I’ve searched this much, and still I can’t find her.
Deep in my chest, something grinds, aching.
My heart hurts so badly it’s unbearable.
—What if I really never see her again?
The thought crosses my mind and a chill runs through me.
The back of my throat burns. My fingertips go cold.
No. No, no, no, no.
There’s no way I could stand that.
“…!”
Forcing my unsteady legs forward, I pull out my phone.
With trembling fingers, I press Yuna’s name.
—The ringing tone.
It echoes somewhere deep in my ear, strangely distant.
“…Please, pick up…”
I murmur it to no one in particular.
But no matter how many times it rings—
She doesn’t answer.
“…!”
My breath catches. My eyes burn.
My chest is tight. I can’t draw breath.
I grip the phone with shaking hands.
“Pick up… please…”
A voice like begging, fading into a rasp.
But — Yuna didn’t answer.
My heart plummets all at once.
My mind goes white.
If this really goes on, and—
Yuna ends up somewhere I can never reach?
I don’t want to think it, and still—
I don’t want to think it, and still it rises in my head on its own.
“…That’s it. Enough.”
I can’t stay like this.
I headed for Yuna’s house.
My running legs felt far heavier than before.
My body felt like lead, and I nearly stumbled more than once.
But even so, I couldn’t stop.
If I stopped, I felt like it would really be over.
When I reached Yuna’s house, I grabbed the doorknob at once.
—It wouldn’t turn.
Locked.
“…No, that can’t be…”
I try again and again. I push with all my strength.
But of course it doesn’t open.
…No — of course it wouldn’t.
Because Yuna isn’t here.
“…!”
Even so, clinging to the smallest possibility, I dig through my bag with trembling hands.
I find it. The spare key to Yuna’s house.
Shaking, I fit the key in and turn it.
—Click.
The sound of the door opening rang out, quiet.
“Yuna…?”
I call out, barely more than a murmur.
But there was no answer.
I step inside.
No lights on. No shoes at the door.
Yuna isn’t here.
“…!”
All the strength drains from my body.
I collapse right there.
Nowhere. She’s nowhere.
My body shakes. My throat burns.
That woman’s voice echoes in my head.
“You don’t belong to Shiraishi-san, Yuna-chan.”
Yuna is smiling, beside that woman.
Not beside me — beside her—
“…No… no, I don’t want this…!”
My vision blurs. Tears run down my cheeks.
I try to stop them, but they won’t stop.
Yuna, becoming someone else’s.
Not looking at me — looking at that girl.
Not holding my hand — holding hers.
Not whispering love to me — whispering it to her—.
—The Yuna I loved so much, becoming that girl’s.
“…!”
No. I can’t bear that.
My chest hurts. I can’t breathe.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
“No…!”
She was supposed to be mine alone.
She was supposed to look only at me.
Why did it come to this—
“…Guh… hh…!”
Suddenly, heat rises at the back of my throat.
Something surges up, and I can’t hold it down. I clap a hand over my mouth.
“…Uh… hh…!”
My stomach spasms, lurching.
The next moment, my hands hit the floor—
“…Cough… uh, hah…!”
I bring up everything in my stomach.
A sour smell stings my nose.
My throat burns like fire.
The tears won’t stop.
I sob and retch at the same time.
I hadn’t eaten anything, and still I kept retching.
Even after there was nothing left, it still felt like it wasn’t enough.
Yuna isn’t here.
Nowhere. Anywhere.
“…Ah… no…!”
This is reality.
There’s no going back now.
Yuna, no longer mine.
Yuna, becoming that girl’s.
Never again beside me—
“No… no…! I don’t want this…!”
A trembling voice falls into the quiet room.
Tears soak into the floor. Breath catches in her throat.
A hoarse sob escapes.
She tries to say the name, but it doesn’t become a sound.