Episode Eighty-Nine: Doesn’t a Life Like That… Feel Hollow to You?
Monday, as agreed.
Deep inside the dim bar. At the same counter as before, he sat waiting for me.
Noticing me, he turned, his jet-black hair falling forward, and I looked back, silent, into that distinctive tawny brown gaze beneath it.
Even something as small as the silver cufflinks peeking from his dark navy suit sleeves marked him as clearly different from an ordinary salaryman.
Every inch the elite businessman.
Turning his whole body to face me, the Ichinose Group’s company pin, pinned to his chest, caught the light and glinted, sharp.
“Good work today. Thanks for coming.”
Behind that false smile, sharp, poisonous fangs flickered, visible, then hidden again.
Just a week ago, I’d found him genuinely terrifying — and yet, strangely, I felt no agitation at all this time.
Once your resolve is truly set, I found myself thinking, a little surprised at my own composure.
Silent, I lowered myself into the chair he’d pulled out.
His thin lips curved into a smile, and he raised a hand toward the bartender. Then lifted his whiskey glass.
“The same for her.”
At that, the bartender across the counter glanced my way, checking. I recognized him immediately. The same person as last time. Kitagami-san had apparently remembered my sour reaction from last week.
“I’m not much for it straight… could I get a highball instead?”
Ignoring his suggestion, I said it plainly, and the bartender answered, “of course,” visibly relieved.
Glancing sideways, I saw Kitagami-san’s eyes narrow, thin.
“…You haven’t told Yui anything, I assume?”
“That’s right. Not yet.”
I emphasized the word “yet.” Not yet — but I do intend to tell her.
A small clink as the glass was set down in front of me. Thanking him, I accepted it and brought it to my lips.
First time I’d ever had this drink, and yet I already knew this taste. Because it’s the one Yui-san herself always drinks.
Maybe that’s why. A little bitter, and yet I found it genuinely good.
“…Well then, let’s get right to it. I’ll hear your answer.”
Meeting his gaze, he watched me with a smile utterly devoid of warmth, as if refusal hadn’t even crossed his mind as a possibility.
“I’m grateful for such an overly generous offer. But, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline after all.”
Saying it plainly, his temple twitched, faint. I had no way of knowing what expression lay beneath that smiling mask.
But I wasn’t scared anymore.
He let out a long, disappointed sigh. I understood what he wanted to say, but I had no intention of offering any further reason.
“…Yui and I have been engaged eight years now, this year. I’ve watched over her since we were children, and I’ve tried to treasure her, properly.”
What does a shallow eight years like that even mean. I looked back at him, cold.
“Treasured her, you say.”
“I think you already know this, but Yui’s inexperienced, isn’t she. Once, long ago, I tried to kiss her, and she shoved me away. She said she didn’t want anything like that until after we were married, so I never made a move again after that. That’s how much I’ve treasured her.”
—Eh? Inexperienced? Who exactly are you talking about?
The words nearly slipped straight from my throat.
I understood — Yui-san really had skillfully deflected him, this whole time. And at the same time, I understood something else too — this man genuinely knows nothing about her at all.
Because Yui-san loves kissing. Even in the middle of things, even when I tell her it’s too much, she never once stops.
He’s completely, entirely mistaken.
If anything, she’s a lustful wolf.
I nearly wanted to say — with that beautiful face, all she’s ever thinking about is indecent things.
But I held back. That’s something only I need to know.
I tipped my glass back.
I’m an idiot. Back in college, someone who could kiss any cute girl she liked, easily — the moment I learned she was engaged, I ran off without even properly hearing her out.
Regret doesn’t help now, but I wanted to go back and hit my past self.
“…You’ve loved Yui-san since childhood, then. So, Kitagami-san, does that mean you’ve never had any experience with women?”
I said it, almost spitting the words, and, apparently never expecting me to talk back, his expression cracked, visibly, for the first time.
There it is. Just as I thought. There’s no way that’s true. Kitagami-san doesn’t look, in the slightest, like someone capable of loving a single woman devotedly for years on end.
Finally seeing a crack in that mask felt genuinely satisfying.
“…If Yui-san said she didn’t want you, are you prepared to spend the rest of your life without ever touching her, right up until you die? Do you love her that seriously, truly, that much?”
His actual goal — I don’t care about that at all.
I won’t let that kind of twisted obsession be called love.
Asked that, in complete earnest, Kitagami-san simply scoffed.
“Isn’t that a bit of an extreme argument? Once we’re married, we’ll have children too… it’s a hurdle we’ll get past.”
I nearly sighed.
In the end, what he actually needs is a “puppet who moves conveniently” — nothing about Yui-san’s own will seems to matter to him at all.
Enduring pain isn’t love, Yui-san had told me, plainly. How much did that save nineteen-year-old me, back then?
The thought of her held by someone like this made me shudder. I don’t even want to imagine it.
“Let me just say it plainly, then. I don’t think being with you does Yui any good at all. Besides, you already ran off once before, didn’t you? Give up. Even if Yui likes you, that has nothing to do with our marriage. If you step aside, everything settles neatly.”
“…Who said she likes me? At the very least, I don’t know anything about that.”
“A little late for that, isn’t it. Planning to feign ignorance?”
Just as Yukiya-san said — he shouldn’t have any actual evidence. He’s just fishing, trying to shake me. I mustn’t let it work.
“Before we even get to that… I think you and Yui-san’s values are simply incompatible. Completely, absolutely.”
I could say that with certainty.
Good. He hasn’t said “if that’s what she wants, fine.” That means I can take her from you without a single ounce of hesitation.
There’s no way she could be happy, married to someone with no understanding of her at all.
“…I can guess what’s going through Yui’s head. Three years ago, when she chose Yukiya for the board instead of me, I already thought something was off. Why would she pull that estranged brother back into the Group? Simple. She’s trying to break off our engagement. As long as Yukiya’s there, she doesn’t need me anymore.”
I’d heard they were childhood friends — but the way Kitagami-san said Yukiya-san’s name carried enough open hostility that I couldn’t help suspecting he genuinely resents him.
“You’re the reason Yui changed. She started having her own will. But don’t think I’ll back down that easily. I’ve staked my whole life on this company too.”
Glaring at me, his eyes burned with raw, unmistakable ambition.
“…Wouldn’t it be better to say all this directly to her yourself? I’m only her secretary. I can’t speak to anything personal. I’ll be reporting this matter to the president.”
I said it, flat and final, and drained the rest of my drink.
“…Kitagami-san.”
Calling his name, those eyes, bloodshot with anger, fixed on me.
Somehow — he seemed, to me, a genuinely pitiful person.
“Choosing a life without ever loving or being loved by anyone — are you really happy with that? Doesn’t a life like that… feel hollow to you?”
It came straight from the heart. But the moment I’d said it, I realized how cruel those words must have landed on him.
Kitagami-san’s expression went suddenly, completely blank. So this is your real face. I felt, finally, like I’d glimpsed what actually lay beneath that mask.
My heart won’t waver anymore. I’ve decided — I’ll live my life together with her.
I won’t give up on our future. Not as long as Yui-san stays by my side. Absolutely not.
By the world’s standards, maybe I’m the worse person in all this. But I didn’t care about that anymore.
If it means protecting Yui-san’s heart, I don’t care who throws stones at me.
Pulling my wallet from my bag, I slapped bills down on the counter.
“This should cover last week’s drink too. Excuse me.”
I could see his fist, clenched tight on the counter, trembling, faint.
Ignoring all of it, I turned on my heel.
A lovely bar, with an attentive bartender — but I’ll never come here again. And I’ll never meet him alone again either.
Stepping out of the hotel, I looked up at the thick, heavy sky. Snow drifted down, scattered. My breath came out white. A bone-deep cold.
Christmas Eve’s tomorrow, and yet, apparently, Santa’s bringing not just presents but a low-pressure system too. Couldn’t wait even one more day to let the snow fall, I guess.
Pulling my collar close, I started walking toward the station.
This world, this society, is full of things that make no sense.
Time never rewinds itself, however badly you’ve failed, and no amount of crying, screaming, ever fixes some things.
Even so, I found myself wanting to believe.
That love has the power to overcome any wall, however difficult.
Just before passing through the ticket gate, my pocket buzzed. Pulling out my phone, I found a message from Yui-san.
Tapping it open, an image was attached.
A photo of a small Christmas tree, perched neatly on the kitchen counter.
I recognized it.
That’s the one I bought, back in college, at that general store near my old part-time job. She’d kept it, all this time. Had she been putting it out, every single year?
If so, what feeling had Yui-san carried, decorating with it, year after year—
I bit down hard on my lip.
—It’s snowing, so be careful on your way back. Message me anytime if you want me to come pick you up.
I’d told Yui-san I had an errand today, right before leaving work, so she must have messaged out of worry.
Some inexplicable urge to see her swept over me, and, before I realized it, I found myself standing on the platform for a train heading the opposite direction from my own apartment, having already passed through the gate.
The train slid into the station, its silver body gleaming, kicking up small flurries of snow. By the time I’d slipped through the opening doors, all hesitation had already left me.
Passing through the ticket gate at the station nearest Yui-san’s house, one I’d walked through more times than I could count back in college, I tapped the name at the very top of my call history.
Stepping out of the station, the roads had already started collecting a faint dusting of white.
“Hello, Kanata?”
Hearing that beloved voice in my left ear, my cheeks softened, unbidden.
“Yui-san. Can I come over right now?”
“Right now? Sure, but… Kanata, where are you?”
Her voice, through the phone, sounded happy.
“…Actually, I’m already at the station near your place.”
“Eh? It’s snowing, let me come get you, wait at the station.”
“I’ve already left the station, heading your way. I’ll be there soon, see you.”
Saying that, I hung up.
Impatience pushed at my back, and my body cut through the wind, heading straight for Yui-san.
Wanting to see her as fast as possible, before I knew it, I’d broken into a run.
*
“Kanata!”
Hurrying along, I saw Yui-san, across the street, rushing toward me in a panic.
Closing the distance, I dove straight into her beloved chest. Steadying me, Yui-san caught me, held me tight.
“I told you to wait at the station… you must’ve been cold.”
Saying that, Yui-san wrapped the blue plaid scarf — the one I’d given her — around my neck. Warm. It smelled of her, sweet.
Brushing the snow off my shoulders with her palm, she looked at me, worried.
“What’s wrong, so sudden? Did something happen?”
“Sorry, out of nowhere like this. I just wanted to see you. …It’s snowing today, and I thought, sleeping alone might be a little cold.”
Deflecting my embarrassment, I looked away as I said it, and Yui-san laughed, soft. Narrowing those gentle black eyes, she looked at me, fond.
“…You’re right. Tonight really is a bit too cold to sleep alone.”
Our joined hands slipped into the warm pocket of her coat.
“…Let’s head home.”
Nodding, “yeah,” we started walking side by side.
I looked up at the sky, thick with snow clouds. Snow kept falling, quiet, steady, blanketing the whole town in white.
＊＊＊
Stepping into the warmth of the room she welcomed me into, my body, tensed against the cold, slowly began to thaw.
Taking off my coat before her own, Yui-san hung it on the rack for me.
Only once we were finally alone did the tension I’d been carrying, coiled tight, start to loosen.
Unable to bear it any longer, wanting to touch her, I took her hand and pulled. Turning back, Yui-san met my eyes, and, rising slightly on my toes, I brought my face close.
Her black eyes widened, startled, but I pressed my lips to hers anyway.
Cool, and soft.
Her fingers, in my grip, trembled, just once — but Yui-san smiled and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me in, faintly forceful.
Kissing again and again, tilting the angle each time, the cold I’d been feeling, at some point, disappeared entirely.
“…Rare, you kissing me first.”
Saying that, happy, she laughed, and I felt a little embarrassed.
“…Not allowed?”
“No, it’s allowed. I’m happy.”
Meeting her eyes, fondness welled up in me, unstoppable.
Having only had alcohol, my stomach should have been empty — and yet, more than that, the desire to touch Yui-san won out completely.
“…Hey, Yui-san.”
“Mm?”
“…Kiss me more.”
Looking at her lips, asking like that, Yui-san laughed. Gently stroking my cheek, looking into my eyes, she smiled, mischievous.
“…Just kissing is enough?”
Mean person. As if she doesn’t already know exactly what I’m asking for.
Frustrated at being made to say it, exactly as she’d clearly intended, I pursed my lips and looked down, and she gently lifted my chin.
Meeting that heated, ferocious black gaze, a shiver raced down my spine.
Her thumb traced gently along my lip.
“…Kanata, I taught you properly, didn’t I? What you’re supposed to say, at times like this.”
Something deep in my chest burned, hot, aching.
Kitagami-san’s fault, I think.
I don’t want to hand her to anyone. I want being touched by this person to stay my privilege, and mine alone, forever.
Possessiveness surged up in me, like magma, crashing over me in waves.
Her thumb slipped lightly into my mouth, and, inviting, I bit down, sweet, and looked up at her, steady.
I know she wants me to say it in words… but it’s still embarrassing, so I want to save that for when I can’t think straight anymore.
Curling my tongue around her finger, sucking lightly, Yui-san, apparently catching my intent, laughed.
Pulling her thumb free, she gathered my body into a tight embrace — and gave me a biting, achingly sweet kiss.