Episode 29: If I Had to Put a Name to This Bitterness
Saturday morning.
Sunlight crept in through the gap in the curtains, and I woke, and turned over.
There, close enough that our breath might mingle, was Yuno’s sleeping face.
Fine, light-coloured hair. Long lashes. Skin so pale it looked like it would be cool to the touch. Eyelids closed with the unguarded ease of a child. Lips, small and slightly plump, faintly pursed.
Without meaning to, my chest gave a small, fluttering ache.
Taking advantage of her being asleep, I found myself staring at that sleeping face. I poked her cheek lightly, just once, with a fingertip. My finger sank into skin smooth as silk, and when I pulled it back, the spot rebounded gently, as if nothing had happened.
…She really is beautifully made.
“Cute” feels insufficient as a word for it.
Had Saeko, too, watched this sleeping face and smiled like this? With those same gentle, soft eyes.
The moment I thought that, something deep in my chest gave a sharp, aching throb.
＊＊＊
On a sudden impulse, I decided to go to the café nearby for breakfast.
On days off when I manage to wake up early, I tend to go out like this. If I let myself spend the day lounging around at home, I end up unable to move for the rest of it.
With that thought, I washed my face at the sink and sat down at the dressing table in the bedroom to start my makeup. Just as I was layering blush onto my cheeks —
“Kuaaah…”
Turning toward the sound, Yuno was in the middle of a large, sleepy yawn.
Her hair charmingly mussed from sleep, eyelids only half open. Sitting up slowly on the futon, she looked at me, dazed, blinking again and again.
I could tell just from her face that her head hadn’t caught up to the morning yet.
“Morning, big sis.”
A soft, loose smile.
Even her voice still sounded sleepy.
“Morning.”
I turned back to the mirror and kept on with my makeup.
“Going somewhere?”
“Thought I’d go for breakfast.”
“…Breakfast?”
“Morning meal.”
Still looking somewhat blank, she seemed to be slowly chewing over the meaning of the words.
“…Do you want to come too?”
I said it bluntly, facing my own reflection in the mirror.
It had come out of my mouth, somehow, without any particular reason behind it. Really, without any reason at all.
The next moment, Yuno’s eyes flew open. The corner of her mouth lifted, slow and easy, and she nodded, again and again, like a child — and finally broke into a grin.
That artlessness made my cheeks loosen despite myself. And at the same time, something deep in my chest tightened, sharply.
I covered my mouth with my hand and gave a small, deliberate cough.
“Then get ready quickly.”
“Okaaay.”
Yuno hummed to herself, getting ready with obvious delight.
＊＊＊
The two of us stepped outside the building.
“I’m looking forward to this. Hey, how long will it take?”
“About ten minutes on foot. It’s close.”
I gave her just that answer, draped my cardigan over my shoulders, and started walking, my heels clicking. Beside me, Yuno followed along with quick, small steps, half-trotting to keep pace.
That’s when it happened.
Softly, fingers twined into my palm.
At a touch so light it could barely be called contact, Yuno’s slender fingers slipped between mine. My heart gave a sharp jump.
“…H-hey, what?”
“It’s ten minutes on foot, right? It’s early, so we probably won’t run into anyone.”
She said only that, and then closed her whole hand around mine, firm. My heartbeat picked up another notch.
“That’s not the issue here.”
“Then what is the issue?”
A glance up at me, the corner of her mouth lifted just so. Looking straight at me.
That look — I thought — wasn’t fair.
For someone with such an innocent face, she sometimes wears this testing kind of expression. Whether she knows exactly what she’s doing, or does it without knowing at all — either way, it’s a dangerous habit.
I let out a small sigh, and before I knew it, I’d laid my fingers over the back of Yuno’s hand and squeezed back.
Warmth seeping through, slowly. I glanced sideways, and Yuno’s eyes widened slightly, then she laughed softly and looked down, quiet.
That profile, in the morning light, was strangely beautiful.
…What is this.
A happiness I couldn’t put into words spread, gradually, through my whole body.
And with equal weight, the fear of losing it spread too.
＊＊＊
Ding-a-ling.
The café was the kind of old-fashioned, Showa-era place an elderly owner had been running alone for years. Mostly regulars, so there was rarely a wait, and I liked the settled, unhurried air that hung inside.
We were shown to counter seats.
Sitting down side by side, Yuno immediately opened the menu and began frowning at it with serious concentration.
“That serious about it?”
“There’s just so many kinds of coffee, I don’t get it. It’s all katakana.”
“You don’t have to force yourself to drink coffee, you know.”
“Nooo, but, I figure this is a place to be an adult about it.”
She pursed her lips with a small hmph and tilted her head.
“Big sis, which one do you think is easy to drink?”
She asked it looking up at me, with a perfectly open, guileless face. It was painfully artless and cute — and exactly because of that, a small, mischievous impulse rose up in me.
“Espresso. Sweet, and easy to drink even the first time. I think that one’s good.”
“Oh really. Then I’ll get that.”
Decided, cheerfully, without a shred of doubt.
I ordered my usual morning set with a blend coffee; Yuno ordered the morning set with an espresso.
After a while the cups arrived, and Yuno, without any hesitation, took a big gulp.
The next moment, her eyes flew open as wide as they could go.
“Wuh!? Bi— bitter…!”
Corners of her mouth dragging down as far as they’d go, tongue stuck out, bleh, a deep crease carved between her brows. The expression was so completely honest that my own face broke, before I could stop it. My shoulders shook with laughter.
“Ah, you tricked me. Mean. I hate you now.”
The glare she shot me carried not a trace of real anger.
“Pfft… ahaha.”
I tried to hold it in and failed entirely. It was too funny, and the laugh came out loud.
Yuno looked faintly surprised, then slowly lowered her eyes. Her cheeks colouring, gradually, redder.
I noticed my own expression had gone soft around the eyes and mouth, and quickly pulled it back into shape.
“What.”
“Nothing. Nothing at all.”
I asked with a deliberate frown, and Yuno just said that and took another sip of the espresso. And grimaced spectacularly, all over again.
Doesn’t learn, does she. My cheeks loosened again at the thought.
Watching her profile, I took a sip of my own blend coffee. And then, idly, I thought —
— That black feeling. It must have just been a passing confusion. Probably nothing more than my imagination.
Will Yuno, someday, go back to Saeko.
The moment I thought it, something in my chest ran cold.
Her relationship with Saeko, what she means to do about it going forward — all I’d have to do is ask her directly.
That’s all it would take. And yet my mouth wouldn’t move.
Hearing the answer, the real feeling, from Yuno’s own mouth — that alone was simply, purely, terrifying.
So I won’t ask. If I don’t bring it up, if I don’t stir things up myself, nothing has to change.
If I just keep the lid on, this quiet morning can go on a little longer.
Probably, it’ll be fine.
Surely, it’ll be fine.
That’s what I thought. Up until this point.