Episode 18: Looking Backwards

I regret what I said, and yet I don’t regret it.

Using Endo-san because I didn’t want to go home wasn’t right, but I also wanted to eat the food she made, so I asked her.

“Is there anything you fancy eating?”
“Anything’s fine.”
“What are your favourite and least favourite foods?”
“None.”
“Eh? Didn’t you like omelette rice?”
“That’s normal.”
“Oh, right. We don’t have any ingredients, so mind if we pop to the supermarket?”

I nodded, and she took me to the supermarket.
Endo-san efficiently put food into the basket, and the shopping was done in about ten minutes.

Returning to the familiar road, I felt all the tension drain out of me at once. We passed the usual library and entered Endo-san’s house.

A light came on in the darkened house.

　The scene was eerily similar to the day I was left behind while my parents and sister went out for dinner.

It felt like the house on the day my personality became profoundly twisted.

I still can’t forget the loneliness and anxiety I felt back then.

Does Endo-san come home here alone every day…?

Or does she frequently invite friends over, like she did with me? Such a small thing preoccupied me, making my chest feel unsettled.

“I’ll make it, so could you wait at the table for a moment?”

I intended to reply, but there was something I needed to do first. It wasn’t difficult, yet I found myself at a loss for words.

“May I… say hello…”

Endo-san’s eyes widened, as if surprised, and then, though I couldn’t tell what was amusing, she let out a soft chuckle and smiled.

“Takizawa, you’re too stiff. You look like someone who’s come to make a marriage proposal.”

Endo-san chuckled softly.

Trying not to let the atmosphere become too solemn, I searched for the right words. In the end, it was the only thing I could think to say… though I was a little dissatisfied. Still, having received permission, I made my way to the Buddhist altar at the back of the living room.

The altar was immaculately kept, with tea and sweets offered as offerings. Endo-san must tend to it daily.
Last time I visited, I could only see it from afar, but now I could clearly make out the faces of Endo-san’s father and mother.

My impression from last time was right after all.

Her father has a gentle face. I’ve had little interaction with men, so I can’t say for certain, but Endo-san’s father has a warm expression that comes through in the photograph, regardless of gender. It’s the polar opposite of the smile Endo-san forces now.

　Her mother was a very beautiful woman. She made Endo-san seem even more like someone from the world of books. Yet behind that beautiful face, I sense warmth.

Is it because her parents passed away that Endo-san became like a doll?

I find myself preoccupied with all sorts of things about Endo-san.

No… I should stop prying into other people’s families.

　Sometimes, I feel an overwhelming urge to shatter that artificial face of Endo-san’s. It’s probably partly because of my relationship with my sister. No matter how awful she behaves, she never shows her feelings anymore.

But unlike my sister, Endo-san occasionally does reveal emotions.
She shows signs of displeasure or joy, or makes faces that look troubled or pained, just a little.

I want to see all those different sides of Endo-san.

　Even a displeased expression is better than that doll-like face.

After lighting the incense, I watched the smoke rise slowly before clasping my hands together.
At times like this, I never know what to think, so I could only offer trite wishes like ‘Please live well’.

As I sat quietly contemplating before the Buddhist altar, Endo-san came to place tea and sweets as offerings.

“I’ve put Takizawa’s tea on the table for you,” she said.

Her voice seemed less tense than usual, somehow softer.

Returning to wait at the table, I heard the sizzle of meat cooking. A delicious aroma drifted through the house.

About twenty minutes, perhaps.
When the food arrived, I was genuinely delighted.

The menu was hamburg steak.

What’s more, it was properly served with salad and potato salad too. The colourful presentation made it look even more delicious.

When I looked as if I wanted to eat straight away, Endo-san laughed at me again. I wasn’t convinced, but my stomach was rumbling now, so eating took priority.

“Let’s eat.”

　I cut into the hamburger steak, slicing it into bite-sized pieces. First, I tried just the hamburger steak alone. Juicy meat juices spread through my mouth, the rich flavour of the meat stimulating my taste buds.
Delicious…
Endo-san makes food so delicious, you’d think she could open a restaurant. And the food she makes feels heartwarming. Just like the two people at the Buddhist altar earlier, her warmth comes through in her cooking.

“What do you think?”
“It’s… alright, I suppose.”
Though I regretted my inability to be more straightforward, my chopsticks kept moving, and Endo-san looked relieved.

It vanished in an instant, leaving me feeling a little lonely. Endo-san had finished eating and was about to start clearing up.

“I’ll clear up.”
“I’ll help you clear up.”
“It’s alright. This is my thanks for the lessons.”

　A thank you for the tutoring… I was the one who asked for it, yet those words stuck in my mind.

“No, I’ll help.”

Ignoring Endo-san’s words, I headed for the kitchen.

“Thank you. Well then, perhaps you could dry the dishes?”

I silently dried the dishes Endo-san had washed.
As the silence dragged on, I had something I simply had to ask, so I opened my mouth.

“Endo-san, do you cook meals like this for friends too?”
It bothered me. That’s all. No deeper meaning.
“I don’t invite friends over.”
“Why not?”
“When I was in secondary school, I invited friends over and it ended up being a bit of a bad memory… I haven’t invited anyone since.”
“Did something happen…?”
“When we had a mixed-gender sleepover, everyone got overexcited and it turned into this atmosphere where they were touching each other… It’s not like I did anything weird, but I just hated having that happen in my own house.”

Endo-san was chatting away with a beaming smile.

I felt irritated by the way she’d been talking, as if suppressing her own emotions. No matter how cold or cruel I was, Endo-san never changed her expression, just kept smiling.

　Honestly, it’s inhuman.

And the fact she didn’t invite friends suggests she doesn’t see me as one. I should have wanted that, yet my chest feels heavy.

“So, I’m not your friend, then?”

I’m surprised by the words that come out of my own mouth. I hadn’t meant to say them.

“No, it’s not like that, but what do you think our relationship is, Takizawa?”

“The person teaching and the person being taught. I think it’s nothing more and nothing less than that.”

That’s right. That’s fine.

It’s too late now, but I got far too involved with Endo-san. I shouldn’t have gotten involved at all, but I ended up meeting her because I was thinking about dying on the rooftop.

When I’m with Endo-san, there’s a part of me that can be a little more honest.

I cannot say what Endo-san’s true nature is, but from the food she makes and her actions thus far, it is clear she is not some hypocrite, but genuinely a kind-hearted person.

I find myself wanting to take advantage of that kindness.

Today too, I am taking advantage of Endo-san’s kindness, dragging out my return home.

　This state of affairs is truly not good.

It seems I’ve become far more dependent on others than I ever thought I was.

If honey is right before my eyes, I want to lap it up.

I simply cannot resist. Yet that honey often contains poison. Nothing that suits me perfectly should come so easily without any effort. I lost my family because I didn’t try hard enough. I was clinging to the notion that family would never abandon me.

　I’m afraid to get any closer to Endo-san now.

High school friends stay that way only until high school; university is the same.

Graduation marks the end, and we drift apart.

Endo-san is no different.

Today will be the last day I take advantage of her kindness. If I do something unpleasant, she’ll dislike me and have no further dealings with me.

I thought of using what I heard earlier.
　It pains me a little, but it can’t be helped. I steeled my resolve.

No matter how awful I was, Endo-san never lost her smile and never left my side. Right now, this is the only way I can think of to make her dislike me.

“I’m going to stop tutoring Endo-san—”

Endo-san looked slightly puzzled.
“You mean you won’t study anymore? What do you mean, ‘stop’?” she asked.

“Today marks the end of our involvement. We’re simply returning to our normal lives.”

“I still want you to teach me, and I’d like to ask Takizawa to do it.”

As expected, Endo-san wouldn’t budge.

“Well then, if you can do one thing I ask right now, that’s fine. Also, if you can promise to do one thing I ask each time I teach you, that’s fine too.”

Endo-san probably wouldn’t listen to me.

　No, I think it’s more accurate to say she couldn’t.

“Alright. I’ll do anything you say.”

“Kiss me.”

Earlier, she’d desperately hidden her pained expression while recounting that unpleasant incident from middle school.

She probably couldn’t forgive that such a thing had happened in this precious house. So I deliberately exploited that. Pressing her for details earlier had been the right move. This way, I could be the villain and sever ties with Endo-san.

　Sure enough, Endo-san looked utterly bewildered.

I thought she should keep that expression on her face forever. It would make her seem far more human. Just as I was thinking such cruel thoughts, unexpected words came flying out.

“All right…”

…………?

I was completely baffled. I think I looked even more bewildered than Endo-san.

　The washing up had been finished ages ago, and we’d been standing talking in the kitchen the whole time, so we were already close. But Endo-san closed the distance even further, drawing nearer to me.

Her hand rested on the nape of my neck, pulling me towards her.

“Close your eyes, it’s embarrassing.”

Her face drew closer, and I reflexively shut my eyes.

　Something soft pressed against my lips.

It wasn’t a finger or any other part of her body; it was definitely Endo-san’s lips.

I don’t know how much time passed, but the soft thing left my lips and I returned to reality.

Before me stood Endo-san, her cheeks flushed red.

“I’ve kept my promise now, so you keep yours too, Takizawa.”

I couldn’t make head nor tail of the situation.

　I grabbed my bag and hurried outside.

I heard Endo-san call out, “Takizawa!” but there was no way I was turning back.

My lips were burning, my cheeks were burning, my whole body was burning.

It must have been some kind of mistake.
I was having a bad dream.

That was all I could do when I reached my own house, not far away, burrowing under the futon and chanting it like a spell.