Episode 95: Just because you’re lonely doesn’t mean you should cheat
Early on a Saturday morning, Christmas having passed, the streets gradually taking on the atmosphere of year-end.
Dragging an oversized suitcase packed with belongings, I leave the flat and lock the door.
My silver suitcase, a favourite since my student days, still serves me well despite its numerous scuffs. Lightweight and exceptionally durable, it remains a cherished possession.
Its suspension-equipped castors feature a considerate silent-running design, allowing me to traverse the apartment’s communal corridor without a sound, even leaving this early in the morning.
I plan to return to London tomorrow, where my parents live, using my extended holiday allowance. And actually, this marks my first visit home since starting my career.
I recall the last time I visited was in March of my fourth year at university, just before starting work.
Last year, my father invited me several times, saying, “Come home.”
But I was busy and desperate to learn my job, and the flights weren’t exactly cheap either, so I kept putting it off — and before I knew it, two years had passed without me returning.
Just a few minutes ago, I received a message from Yui saying, “I’m here.”
Taking the lift down to the first floor and passing through the shared entrance, it was still dim outside, and I felt the piercingly cold air unique to winter mornings.
A white saloon car was parked beside the apartment block, its hazard lights flashing. It was Yui’s car. I waved, and she, who had been waiting inside, noticed me and got out.
She smiled, raising her hand towards me in her black coat.
“Kanata, good morning.”
“Good morning. Thank you for coming to see me off today. The suitcase is heavy… it’s a great help.”
“Oh, it’s nothing. I just wanted to see you off, don’t worry about it.”
Yui-san took my suitcase and loaded it into the boot with practised ease.
Brushing my arms together over my coat against the cold, I climbed into her beloved car. As if she’d been waiting for it, Yui-san handed me a warm bottle of milk tea.
She turned off the hazard lights and the car began to move. Our destination was the place where Yui-san and I first met: the gateway to the sky, Haneda Airport.
“Come to think of it, Ritsu-san asked for a souvenir, didn’t she?”
“Oh? What did she want?”
“Perfume, apparently. She said she’s starting marriage hunting next year and asked for ‘something that makes her feel like a proper lady’. But scents are such a personal thing, I wonder if it’s alright for me to choose?”
“Marriage hunting? She mentioned it before, but Ritsu was serious about it. I always thought she was joking.”
“Me too…”
Marriage hunting, huh.
Come to think of it, Yui-san and Ritsu-san, who are two years older than me, will be twenty-seven next year. It wouldn’t be strange for them to start seriously looking for a life partner around now.
That said, marriage isn’t everything in this day and age, and it depends on the person, I suppose.
Indeed, my best friend Yuri, even without a boyfriend, pours all her energy into her work and hobbies, living a fulfilling life.
It’s not as if Yuri has never had a partner. Occasionally, there were decent people.
But her priorities have always been clear: music first, work second, a partner occasionally… That sort of thing. Looking back at her romantic history, both her relationships and breakups were relatively straightforward affairs.
I find Yuri’s free-spirited, stray-cat-like way of living utterly wonderful.
Others have no business meddling. If she’s happy, that’s all that matters. There should be room for all kinds of happiness.
“…Yui-san, what sort of souvenir would you like?”
I ask quietly, gazing at the scenery passing by the train window.
“I’m fine. Just having Kanata come back is enough for me. Ahh, thinking I won’t see Kanata for a while makes me feel so lonely.”
I smile at Yui-san as she murmurs this with a sigh.
Since becoming her secretary, this is the first time we’ll be apart for such a long period.
I knew I’d feel terribly lonely too, so I’d actually brought Shachi-kun along on this trip home.
He’s my precious companion who’s helped me get through nights without Yui-san, and just having him here makes me feel so much more at ease.
For a moment, I thought maybe I should have left the seal I brought back to my flat with her, since Yui-san seems to miss me this much too.
“…But you mustn’t cheat just because you’re lonely, you know.”
I made sure to give her a gentle jab. Yui-san just laughed off my little dig.
“With such a lovely girlfriend, I’d never dream of cheating.”
Knowing she meant it from the bottom of her heart made me feel a little relieved.
It’s not that I genuinely doubt her, but when we’re physically apart, I worry we won’t be able to meet whenever I want to. What if her old bad habits start acting up again?
Because I understand better than anyone just how popular Yui is.
Having a popular girlfriend means you never get a moment’s peace – though it might take Yui a lifetime to grasp that.
Heading for the airport, the car sped along the tarmac. Dawn was still a little way off.
In the eastern sky, pale orange light began to seep through gaps in the grey clouds.
＊＊＊
Parking in the car park directly connected to Terminal 3, I pull my suitcase towards the check-in counter.
Once on the plane, all that’s left is sitting. But that sitting time feels interminable.
My legs swell, my backside aches, and the travelling alone always leaves me utterly knackered.
Returning home was my own decision, but truthfully, I dreaded being apart from Yui-san. Only now did it occur to me that I should have asked her to hold me tighter before leaving.
After checking in and handing over my suitcase, I finally felt unburdened.
Passing through security thirty minutes before the flight would be ample time, meaning I could stay with Yui-san until then.
“Hey, Yui. We’ve still got a bit of time. Why not make the most of it and head to the observation deck? We might see all sorts of planes.”
“The observation deck? Sounds good, I’d like to go.”
“It might be a bit chilly though…”
“If it’s cold, we can always come back inside. Let’s go and have a look, it’s worth it.”
Saying that, Yui smiled and took my hand.
Heading up to the observation deck on the fifth floor, the top level of Terminal 3, we found it surprisingly sparse despite the space. Perhaps it was the season, with a cold wind blowing through, even though the sun had already risen.
Being the international terminal, it was spectacular. One after another, large passenger planes from various airlines headed towards the runway.
Their silver wings glinted and sparkled, reflecting the morning sun, dazzlingly bright.
“Which airline are you flying with today, Kanata?”
“JAL. Flight 43 to Heathrow Airport.”
“I see. Well then… from here, I suppose I can see Kanata’s plane off.”
I gazed at her lonely-looking profile, illuminated by the morning sun. Though we were only parting for a few days, the feeling was entirely different between being within easy reach and moving to a distance where we couldn’t meet immediately.
The thought that she might be recalling the day I left Japan made my heart ache as if pricked by a needle.
“…Yui-san, listen.”
Taking a small breath, I fixed my gaze on the aeroplane visible beyond the fence, holding her hand tightly without looking away.
I sensed Yui-san looking in my direction. But I didn’t turn to face her as I spoke.
“I’m planning to tell my parents. That I’m in a relationship with a woman. Of course, I don’t intend to say it’s you just yet. This trip home is for that purpose.”
“Eh…”
I could tell Yui gasped. I gently turned my gaze towards her. Her deep, dark eyes, reflecting the morning sun, shimmered like water, rippling with unease.
“Why? You don’t have to force yourself to tell them, Kanata. I could keep it a secret forever—”
Yui surely understood the weight of telling my parents about this. And the anxiety it brought.
But I shook my head from side to side and smiled. As if to blow her unease away.
“I’m not forcing myself at all. It’s fine. Because I truly believe they’ll understand.”
Come spring, I’ll be twenty-five myself. While marriage is gradually becoming a matter of personal freedom nowadays, my parents’ generation married and had children much, much earlier than people do now.
Perhaps because of that, my mother has been asking me more often lately, “Haven’t you met anyone suitable?” Like Ritsu-san, more and more people will start thinking about marriage from now on.
I could keep dodging the question, but there’s a limit. My parents aren’t planning to stay permanently in Britain either. They’ll return to Japan eventually. Probably in the not-too-distant future.
When that happens, I’ll need to explain that I’m living with Yui-san. There’s no avoiding it, I’m sure.
I don’t think I need to force the issue. There are ways to approach it. But I don’t feel the need to hide it either.
I just want to tell my parents honestly.
That I’ve met someone I truly want to spend my life with, and I’m incredibly happy. It just so happens that person is a woman.
Even if we can’t marry now, our hearts are deeply and strongly connected.
Besides, I believe the day will come when Japanese law changes. I truly believe it. A future where we can live together as a matter of course, regardless of gender, will absolutely arrive. Yes, I’m certain of it.
“…Do you really think they’ll understand? Won’t they oppose it?”
It was an uncharacteristically timid voice for Yui-san. The hand holding mine squeezed back, a little tighter, anxiously.
“It’ll be alright. So next time, come with me and meet my family. I want you to see the city I grew up in too. London’s streets are truly beautiful. It’s a bit far, and travelling might be tiring, but…”
I gazed into her eyes and smiled. Then, I felt the tension in Yui-san’s expression soften.
“…Yes. Next time, I’ll definitely come with you. I promise.”
We stood shoulder to shoulder, watching the aeroplane streak straight up into the sky. Our breath turned white, mingling with the clear, cold winter air before fading away.
But the hands we held remained warm, no matter how long we stood there.