Episode Five: Sophistry and Guilt ―September 2032―
After-school dates often end up at family restaurants.
“Hey, Meisa. Are you listening?”
“I’m listening. It’s about what to wear on our date the day after tomorrow, right? I said I’d properly take your request into account.”
“Yeah, but… Haa, never mind.”
Sighing discontentedly, Wataru started fiddling with his phone.
It’s probably just his usual ‘I’m angry’ act. If he’s not going to forgive me until I apologise, then fine, we can stay at odds forever.
Wataru keeps saying he wants to win me over, but so far, there hasn’t been a single word or moment that’s truly captured my heart.
You can’t just fall for someone by spending time together. If it were that simple, I’d have fallen for someone ages ago.
“Apparently one of my mates confessed to Kakei the other day.”
“…Eh? No way. Who? How? Did the teacher say yes?”
I fired off questions before suddenly realising. Wataru’s gaze pierced me, as if scrutinising me.
“Your expression changes when Kakei comes up. You react completely differently.”
“…I’m a schoolgirl. Of course I’d react to love stories.”
I knew that excuse didn’t cut it. Because Wataru knew that normally, I couldn’t care less about other people’s love lives.
“…Shall we leave?”
“Mm, alright.”
Kō, who usually wanted to prolong our time together, ended things unusually early.
Was he still putting on this ‘angry act’? What a pain. For me, though, getting home early was lucky.
Even though autumn was in the air more than during summer break, the heat lingered. Still, I was gazing up at the sky, vaguely thinking how the sun set earlier now, when it happened.
“Meisa.”
The moment my name was called, his hand wrapped around my waist.
A wave of revulsion, like an electric shock, ran through me instantly. I think I handled it calmly, not reflexively pulling his hand away, knowing that showing such obvious disgust could jeopardise the teacher’s position.
“What? What is it?”
I spoke gently, trying to pull away softly, but Kō wouldn’t let me escape.
“Let’s go somewhere we can be alone.”
“Eh… wh-why?”
I couldn’t hide my unease. Though he’d threatened me with various things up until today, he’d never forced himself on me sexually, so I’d let my guard down.
I never imagined the man who claimed he wanted to turn me around would resort to the worst possible tactic imaginable.
“Why? Because we’re dating, isn’t that normal?”
“Wh-what do you mean, ‘normal’? I don’t want you acting based on such boring values, Kō.”
Even when I smiled and gently refused, Kō’s hands didn’t leave my waist.
“We never did it even before we got back together. Meisa was important to me, so I decided I wouldn’t touch you until your heart was truly turned towards me. But it’s fine now, right? If we stay like this, nothing will ever change. Sometimes love only blossoms once bodies have been joined.”
The colour in Wataru’s eyes had changed. This was just sophistry, a flimsy excuse to get what he wanted.
I didn’t want this. More than just Wataru… the idea of someone else imposing their sexual desires on me was utterly repulsive, unbearable.
I had to say no more firmly. Wataru wasn’t this kind of despicable man; he just couldn’t see beyond himself. If I refused properly, he’d understand.
“Listen, Kō, I don’t want to have sex. I’d rather we’d stay together a bit longer first. Can you wait?”
“What guarantee do we have we’ll even last that long? You haven’t directed a single millimetre of your feelings towards me yet.”
His tone was different now. Looking at Kō’s face, he wore a look of utter despair, unable even to mock himself.
“…I know. I know I’m being utterly cowardly. But still, every day I get to be with Meisa feels like a dream to me. So when I think this relationship might end tomorrow… I’m always anxious, always frantic.”
His desperation was so palpable I found myself falling silent.
I’ve never loved anyone as intensely as Wataru does. That’s why I can’t understand his pain, his actions.
And I shudder at my own coldness, trying to analyse Kō’s feelings so calmly despite being loved so deeply. Perhaps someone like me will never be able to love anyone.
Even so, I felt this was a line I couldn’t cross.
If I let myself be swept away by emotion or gave up resisting and allowed him to have me, I’d cease to be myself.
“I’m sorry I can’t understand your feelings, Kō. But sex is impossible. Please. I need you to consider my feelings too.”
The grip of Kō’s hands around my waist suddenly loosened. I think he understood.
Just as I felt relieved that he’d understood, my mobile phone’s vibration sounded. The inorganic tone flowed between us in our silence.
“…Who is it? Answer it.”
Kō grabbed my left wrist firmly. Terrified that making a mistake might get me killed, I looked at the phone. It displayed ‘Sensei’.
Despite telling me to answer it just now, Kō’s expression suddenly changed. He snatched the phone from me and hung up.
“Why is she calling? I told you to cut off contact with Kakei, didn’t I?”
“I don’t know why she’s calling either. And anyway, you didn’t tell me to cut her off.”
“No, I did. You’re the one who broke the promise, Meisa.”
I didn’t know how to reason with Wataru, whose stubbornness and narrow-mindedness were overwhelming. Overwhelmed by fear of him and the shock of having my first call from Sensei cut off, I was reaching my mental limit.
“Please. Let me go home today.”
Kō wouldn’t release me as I tried to escape. His grip on my wrist hurt so badly it felt like it would leave a mark.
“Don’t make me say it. …Do you want me to spill the beans about Kakei?”
—Why on earth had I been involved with someone like this?
I was furious at my own poor judgement. But I felt an even stronger sense of guilt for making him say such things.
Kō was kind, funny… his methods were a bit extreme, but he loved me and tried to cherish me. Surely it was also my fault for failing to return his affection and making him anxious.
My guilt towards Kō stifled my rebelliousness and resistance.
It’s just sex. I should just accept that and move on. If that’s all it takes to protect you, then surely it’s fine.
Seeing me fall silent, he must have thought I’d agreed. Taking my hand, Kō started walking towards our destination.
Looking back now, this must have been Kō’s plan all along. Because the family restaurant where we’d been chatting was near the hotel, we arrived at the building in no time.