Episode Eleven: Someday, It Might Come In Handy
“…Hey, Yui-san, can we watch something else instead?”
“Ehh? It’s only been twenty minutes since it started.”
The oversized projector and the sound rolling out of the surround speakers made it feel exactly like a movie theater, which only sharpened the fear.
A July night, exams looming close.
In the dim living room with the AC blasting, wrapped in a blanket, I’d lost the argument to Yui-san, who insisted summer meant horror movies, and for some reason the two of us were now watching one together.
Settled into what had become my usual spot, between Yui-san’s legs, I gripped the hand loosely wrapped around my stomach, hard.
“Hold me tighter, properly.”
“Such a spoiled baby. Cute.”
“I’m not being spoiled, I’m scared. I’ll probably remember this when I try to sleep.”
“Then, want to sleep together?”
“…Only if Yui-san sleeps on a futon on the floor.”
“Why? Let’s just share the bed.”
“…No. You’ll do something dirty.”
“I won’t. I don’t want another glass of water thrown at me.”
I pinched her hand, and Yui-san laughed, tightening her arms around me just slightly.
*
Watching movies together on weekends had become something of a habit between us. Or rather, I was just tagging along on Yui-san’s hobby. Even with exams coming up, she showed zero interest in studying, and I’d let myself get dragged into curling up between her legs again today anyway, figuring a mere two hours couldn’t hurt too badly.
“When do you even study, Yui-san?”
“Hm? I go to class properly, you know.”
“That’s not what I meant, I mean studying for exams.”
“Ah, I read the textbook before bed. About thirty minutes.”
“Just reading?”
“Yep.”
I see, so Yui-san’s the efficient type. Hanging around with her would be a disaster. That’s probably why Ritsu-san studies alone at the library, I realized, with a small click of understanding.
Maybe I shouldn’t be watching movies right along with her either. I made a firm vow to myself that after this movie, I really needed to study properly.
“Once exams are over and summer break starts, let’s go to the aquarium like I promised.”
“Please take me early. My parents want me back in England during summer break.”
Even though it’s my first long break as a university student, my parents worry too much. I won’t be able to work my part-time job that whole time, and it’s a shame to miss out on the first Japanese summer events I’ve had in years, but as long as they’re sending me an allowance, I have to do what they say.
The owner had readily agreed when I told him, but leaving a hole in the shift schedule still weighed on me. I’ll need to apologize to Hayakawa-kun and Amasaki-san in advance too, while there’s still time.
“When are you heading back?”
“As soon as August starts. …So take me soon.”
I said it like I was wheedling, and she took my hand, gently lacing our fingers together. The long fingers of her left hand curled around mine. Her smoothly rounded nails were done in a burgundy polish, and I found myself wondering just how many colors of nail polish this woman owns.
I’d assumed she was still watching the movie even while we talked, but when I glanced back over my shoulder, our eyes met with an almost audible click.
Closer than I expected, close enough to kiss easily, and I caught my breath.
“…Are you actually watching the movie?”
“I’m watching.”
“…Then why are you looking over here…”
“Just thinking it’ll be lonely, being apart from you for a whole month.”
Said so directly that the movie completely stopped registering. I think the same thing too, though.
Worried my face might be turning red, I ducked my head down, and felt a soft press against my ear, with a small kissing sound.
“Hyah!”
Realizing I’d been kissed, my body jolted, startled and reflexive all at once. I clapped a hand over my ear in a panic and turned around, and Yui-san wore the exact expression of someone who knew she’d overstepped, laughing it off sheepishly.
“Sorry, did you hate that? You went red, it was cute, I couldn’t help it.”
Seeing Yui-san look troubled like that, I realized she was probably still thinking about that other kiss, the one from before.
In the end, I never did tell Yui-san what I’d actually been angry about. There was no way I could say it. That I’d gotten angry because she kissed me while still carrying the lingering scent of some other woman on her skin.
If I said something like that, someone as sharp as her would definitely turn it into teasing.
So if I didn’t smell like another woman, kissing you would be fine? — something like that.
*
“It’s not that I hated it, or anything.”
“…I see, good.”
Suddenly embarrassed, I faced forward again. Leaning my weight back, Yui-san’s arm circled my stomach again, relieved.
“…Your ears are sensitive, huh, Kanata. I’ll remember that.”
I could feel my whole body heating up with embarrassment. Nobody’s ever pointed something like that out to me before, and I didn’t even know it myself.
“You don’t need to remember something that pointless…”
“Ehh, it’s not pointless at all.”
Her lips pressed gently against my ear again. A shiver ran down my spine, sure enough. Having already said I didn’t hate it, I couldn’t very well refuse now, so I squeezed my eyes shut instead.
She held my body tight, fixing it in place as it started to flinch away, and murmured, teasing.
“…Someday, it might come in handy.”
“Handy for what…?”
I understood exactly what she meant partway through saying it, and scrambled out of her grip in a panic.
Her arms let go without resistance, and once I’d stood up and put some distance between us, I heard Yui-san laughing, ahaha. I realized I’d been teased again.
“Seriously, is there anything in your head besides dirty thoughts, Yui-san?!”
“Your face is bright red, it’s cute.”
“And you weren’t even watching the movie at all!”
“I wanted to watch you get scared. I’m satisfied now, so that’s fine.”
Even though I’d asked her, over and over, to stop the movie, and she hadn’t listened once, Yui-san turned it off without any resistance at all.
“C’mon, come here. We’ll be apart in another month, so let me enjoy you a little more.”
She spread her arms wide on the sofa, smiling, and I gave in and let myself get pulled right back into them.
Her arm wound around my waist, and the moment our bodies pressed close, it felt good again. Of course it did.
Kindness is a kind of sweetness. And this sweetness is addictive. Once you’ve had a taste, you can’t easily let it go. Truly, an unfair person.
If it were just the two of us alone, she’d probably act like this with any woman. I’m not special.
I try to imagine it. If Yui-san were serious, she’d probably just as easily pin some woman down and not stop there.
Knowing someone this beautiful feels desire for women, I don’t think it’s strange at all that people who aren’t even gay might still want to be held by her.
Because I’m “not her type.” The kiss, the hug — all of it is just her playing around, not a real attempt to seduce me. I understand that.
That should be fine, honestly. Because I’m not gay. I like Yui-san because she’s kind, but that’s not romantic feeling.
Me, falling for a woman — there’s no way something like that could happen.
“What’s wrong, you’re making a difficult face.”
Apparently my brows had furrowed, because she pressed a gentle finger between them, and I shook my head.
“Just thinking about exams. Hey, Yui-san, would you teach me? We’re in the same faculty after all.”
“…Isn’t reading the textbook enough?”
“Normal people can’t just understand from that alone, that’s why you sit down and study properly. Please. Teach me every day until the exam.”
“Huh? You’re studying every day?”
“You just have to answer whatever I don’t understand.”
Yui-san is weak to being asked nicely. I relaxed, relieved, when she reluctantly gave in with a guess I have no choice.
This means Yui-san will be home through exam period. No more coming home at dawn, no more my heart getting stirred up by some other woman’s lingering scent.
“Ah, but tomorrow there’s a dinner, so I might be late.”
“With your father?”
“Mm, yeah, that. Dad, and people from the company.”
I’d noticed it before too. She always seems a little reluctant about this. From how she usually talks, it doesn’t sound like she dislikes her father, so then—
“Do you dislike the people from the company?”
I’d meant it as an offhand question, but Yui-san’s eyes went round.
“…Does it show?”
“Am I wrong?”
“No, it’s not that I dislike them, exactly… I just don’t feel like going. If it were just Dad, it’d be fine. There’s a lot to be careful about, and it’s tiring.”
There’s probably a lot going on I don’t fully understand. Yui-san is still a student, but it’s the company she’ll be joining, and with her father as president, that sounds like a lot to navigate.
“That sounds tough.”
“…You really do watch me closely, don’t you, Kanata.”
“Huh?”
My spine went rigid. What did she mean by that? I felt a small flicker of anxiety — had I pried too deep?
“I thought I wasn’t showing it on my face, but you caught that I don’t want to go.”
“…You’re just hard to read, Yui-san. I never know what you’re actually thinking.”
“You’re easy to read, Kanata. Though sometimes it gets a little complicated.”
That irritated me. Complicated — meaning what, exactly.
“…I’m just some annoying woman you dislike anyway, aren’t I.”
“I never said I dislike you. If anything, if I were going to date someone, someone whose feelings are as easy to read as yours would be cute, I think.”
Said so directly, looking straight into my eyes, that it caught me completely off guard.
“…You have no intention of dating anyone, though.”
“That’s true. That’s exactly why, if I’m just having fun with someone, I’d want someone who’s ‘not a hassle.’ That’s all there is to it.”
Why would she say something like that. My heart pounded, hard. I wanted to ask.
“Then, Yui-san…”
“Hm?”
“Not as a joke — could you actually sleep with me?”
I’d said it with real resolve behind it, but instead of answering, her arm around my waist pulled me in close. Her face drew nearer, her eyes lowering, and realizing she was about to kiss me, I panicked and pressed my palm flat against her mouth to stop her.
“…What is this hand.”
She looked up at me over my palm with a faintly reproachful expression, and I felt like my face might catch fire.
I had said I didn’t hate it, true, and right now there’s nothing but Yui-san’s scent around me. There’s no reason at all to refuse, and yet some alarm bell kept ringing in my head. If you let this carry you along right now, it’s dangerous.
I pulled my hand away from her mouth, and Yui-san looked somehow dissatisfied.
“I-It’s just, you tried to kiss me all of a sudden…”
“I thought I was being invited. Was I wrong?”
“I wasn’t inviting you! I was just checking!”
“Eh? That’s cruel, toying with me like that.”
“…So, well? What’s the answer?”
I wanted to hear it, so I stared straight into her eyes. I wanted to know if I actually had any appeal.
Yui-san already knows my last relationship ended because of sex, and I’ve told her I can’t feel good during it.
Even so, could she still want me — even someone frigid, someone boring like that?
As if seeing straight through my anxiety, Yui-san smiled, soft.
“Who knows. Guess we won’t know unless we try. Want to try it?”
Deep in those dark eyes — she was laughing. Ah, I understood then, she was teasing me again.
“…Yui-san, you’re always just teasing me.”
“So if I said I could, you’d let me? You don’t seem like the type to sleep casually with someone you’re not dating.”
That’s true, I think. To begin with, I’ve never once wanted sex with someone myself, even while dating men, so I don’t feel any need to build a body-only relationship on purpose.
If we were actually dating, maybe, but enduring something painful for someone I’m not even with — I can’t do that.
Watching me fall silent, Yui-san laughed and said it.
“See? Who’s the one teasing who, really.”
I think what I actually wanted was for Yui-san to say she could sleep with me. But wanting to hear it was all it was — I’m not ready, not right now, to actually do that with her.
I’m still scared, honestly. Regardless of gender, I think I’d only end up disappointing her. I don’t have any confidence. The fear of disappointing her is far stronger than anything else.
Probably, understanding all of that, Yui-san’s answer was — that she couldn’t sleep with me, is what I ended up thinking.
Her mischievous eyes held mine. It must be the summer’s fault, I told myself. The summer heat, turning my head foolish.
Even though summer has only just begun.