Episode Nine: Gratitude and Respect ―December 2033―
To have forgotten something so fundamental… it might sound harsh, but perhaps Mum had brainwashed me.
But it’s alright now.
Even apart, I remember the warmth of my teacher. I remember her words.
The way she treated me ‘as a teacher’ – which troubled me – gives me the courage to face Mum.
“Sensei as an ideal mother? Not at all. She can’t cook, and I’ve never sensed any maternal instinct from her. I just like her. I just want to be with her all the time. There’s no logical reason.”
As far as I can remember, this was the first time I’d ever argued so boldly and directly against Mum’s opinion.
“…Oh. Is that all you have to say?”
Mom’s piercing gaze seemed poised to bore right through me, but I wasn’t cowering anymore.
The teacher straightened my spine just as I started to falter.
“I’m just repeating what the teacher said, but ‘there are as many lives as there are people. Each person has a story only they can write’. I’m not Mum, and Mum isn’t me. So I want you to recognise that my life is mine. My future… my love life too.”
“You’re the sort of child who needs parental permission to go to university, and you’re trying to lecture me?”
“It’s not a lecture, and I don’t mean to deny you. I just want you to acknowledge… and watch over me.”
“Saying things like that person did when they came to the house… You’ve been quite badly influenced, haven’t you? Understand? Meisa. She doesn’t wear makeup at her age, she comes for home visits even though she’s not your form teacher – that person isn’t normal. You must have absolutely no contact with her from now on.”
Even after I pleaded like this, she wouldn’t listen at all.
Whereas the teacher sacrifices herself to protect me, Mum attacks others to protect me. …We really are incompatible. I think she’s hopeless.
But this one thing. I felt I absolutely had to say these words now, words I’d never uttered before.
“Mum, in your own way, you loved me. I’m incredibly grateful you raised me this far on your own. Thank you. But…”
It was thanks to my teacher that I found the resolve to say “thank you” to Mum.
No matter how infuriating or frightening she was, when it came to deciding my future path, my teacher immediately moved to arrange a meeting to seek Mum’s permission.
Somehow, I’d rebelliously looked away from the truth – that she’d resolved to become an unmarried mother, given birth to me, and raised me. I should feel nothing but gratitude for that.
“…But what?”
As if already anticipating what I was about to say, Mum’s mouth twisted into a lonely grimace.
In the cramped car, watching Mum’s face dimly lit by the convenience store lights, I declared our parting.
“I’m grateful to you, Mum, but I don’t respect you. But I truly respect her, Sensei. So… don’t lump Mum and Sensei together.”
The way she naturally gives her all to her job as a teacher.
The way she marches to her own beat, unconcerned with others’ opinions.
The way she remains steadfastly devoted to her first love.
I admire it all. I like it all. I love it all.
It doesn’t matter if she’s a man or a woman. As a person, I can say I love Kakei-san.
“Kakei-san is my first love! Let me do whatever I want with all my might!”
It was a far more selfish, self-centred demand than when I’d said I wanted to go to university. It wouldn’t have been strange if I’d been shouted at or met with utter disbelief – accused of only thinking about the immediate future, or being a love-struck fool with nothing but romance on my mind.
Right now, Sensei isn’t beside me.
It was a genuine childish whim, one I’d directed straight at Mum, all by myself.