Episode 26: I Like You Too, I Love You, Mitsuki

Winter break had begun, and Christmas Eve was finally here. The day Mitsuki was coming to stay.

Only Mum and Dad were home today.
My brother had left the house in the morning, looking unusually determined.
The way he was, he probably wouldn’t be back until tomorrow morning. Lucky him, maybe he’s got a girlfriend? Living the youth life, I’m envious.

　Mum had been energetically busy in the kitchen since early evening.
A large whole cake was already waiting in the fridge.

Pulling on my down jacket sleeves and wrapping my scarf around my neck, I slipped my feet into my trainers.
Stepping outside, dusk had fallen and it was completely dark. The bitterly cold air stung my cheeks.
　My steps towards Mitsuki’s house felt much lighter than usual. Thank goodness it wasn’t snowing today. Mitsuki hates the cold, after all.

This would surely be the first and last Christmas I spent with Mitsuki.

　Since becoming close with Mitsuki back in May, somehow it was already December. We’d be graduating high school in just three months.

It had been quick. A blink of an eye.
Eight months so happy it brought tears to my eyes, and yet unbearably painful.
Once Christmas was over, the new year would arrive soon, and we’d be utterly swamped preparing for entrance exams… Probably, moments like this, spent so leisurely, would vanish forever.

　Did a year really pass this quickly? When I was a child, time seemed to flow much more slowly than it does now. Does it just speed up more as you grow older? It’s a bit scary, somehow.

Lost in these trivial thoughts, I arrived at Mitsuki’s flat. I pressed the intercom, and Mitsuki, wrapped in a white, fluffy down jacket, popped her head around.

“Nana, thank you for coming to pick me up.”

“Oh, it’s fine. It’s just around the corner.”

Seeing Mitsuki, her backpack packed with clothes for one night, looking at me innocently with sparkling eyes, was so adorable it made me smile.

“Hey Mitsuki, we’ve got time. It’s a bit out of the way, but let’s go see the illuminations before heading off.”

　Every winter, this town holds an illumination event where the street trees are decorated with LEDs.
I’ve lived here all my life, and frankly, I’m so used to seeing them that they hold no particular feeling for me now. But since this was likely to be my last Christmas in this town, I wanted to see them with Mitsuki.

Even so, Mitsuki puffed out her cheeks and shook her head from side to side.

“Ehh, no way! That’s the one with the superstition that if you go see it together, you’ll break up. No, no, it’s bad luck. I don’t want to be separated from Nana.”

Huh? Isn’t that for couples? I wanted to retort, but Mitsuki squeezed my hand tightly, and I fell silent.
My cold fingertips melted in the warmth of Mitsuki’s still-warm hand.
　Mitsuki, you actually believed in that superstition? How sweet.

“…Don’t say things like that. It’s a special occasion, let’s make some Christmas memories.”

I gave her clasped hand a gentle tug.
Mitsuki looked at me, pouting her lips in a sulk.

“…Do you want to leave me that much, Nana? You like me, so why?”

“That’s not why I asked you to see the illuminations. I don’t believe in superstitions. They’re just nonsense.”

“Then promise me you’ll stay with me forever?”

“Hmm… I can’t promise that.”

“You’re being mean, Nana.”

“Choosing a university affects my whole life. I can’t just say yes easily.”

“I know that… but… my university of choice is really good too…”

Well, I suppose so. It is a higher-ranked university than the one I’m aiming for. If you say my whole future depends on it, I understand I should stretch myself a bit and aim for that one.
To be honest, I’m just desperately holding back my wavering feelings with sheer willpower.
I mustn’t let myself be swayed. I’m going to Tokyo. If Mitsuki genuinely likes me… well, that’s a different story.
“…I’m like the illuminations, you see. Hey, shall we go?　You really don’t want to?”

“…Alright. Fine, if Nana wants to go, as a special exception.”

“Yeah, thank you.”

Without letting go of the hands we’d joined, we slipped them into my pocket together and started walking. Mitsuki didn’t pull her hand away either.

Summer. I thought I’d never hold hands with Mitsuki again.
But now, here I am, walking hand in hand with her.

　Truthfully, I want to stay by Mitsuki’s side like this forever.
But even if Mitsuki accepted everything I desired, she wouldn’t truly love me in the fullest sense. If we couldn’t love each other with the same feelings, it would be meaningless.
Mitsuki is trying to respond to my feelings by accepting them. But it’s not the same, you see.

The closer we were, the more that difference became starkly apparent, tightening its grip around my neck. I didn’t have the confidence I could endure it.

　We walked hand in hand along the promenade, gazing at the orange illuminations decorating the zelkova trees.
It being Christmas Eve, the area was swarming with couples, but everyone was so absorbed in their own partners that no one seemed to notice two girls holding hands.

“…Nana, what do you want to do at university in Tokyo? Do you want to become something? Have any dreams?”

“Eh? Hmm… Not really a dream… More like… I want a girlfriend.”

“A girlfriend!?”

My hand was suddenly squeezed tightly, and I looked at Mitsuki in surprise.

“Why? You like me, so what do you mean you want a girlfriend?”

Mitsuki looked genuinely baffled, and it was so unreasonable it made me laugh.
What was that about? Mitsuki wouldn’t be my girlfriend herself.

“Eh… isn’t that perfectly normal?”

“W-Wait, does that mean you can like lots of people at the same time?”

“Ahaha, no, no. I mean, I’d fall for someone else while still thinking of you. Then I’d forget my feelings for you. Once I’d forgotten everything, I’d come back. Then maybe you and I could be true friends. It’d be better for you too, surely.”

“…What on earth is that?”

“You look rather dissatisfied.”

“I am dissatisfied. Utterly dissatisfied.”

“What exactly are you dissatisfied about?”

I peer at her face. The tip of her nose, flushed red, is adorable. I never want to forget this. I want to remember properly this eighteen-year-old Mitsuki, still retaining traces of childish innocence.
My first love. More precious than anyone else, my special girl.

“…I’m dissatisfied that Nana would fall for a girl other than me.”

“Blimey, that’s unreasonable. Mitsuki, you’re quite the bully, aren’t you?”

It’s so unreasonable it’s laughable.
But even that selfish Mitsuki is cute and I like her, you know. I know it’s crazy, but I’ve fallen for her, so what can I do? Love is a one-way street, I’ve already surrendered.

“…For Nana, haven’t I always been number one?”

“Eh? That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

“Why not?”

“…Because I like Mitsuki, she’s number one. If I liked someone more than Mitsuki, it’d be normal for that person to become number one, wouldn’t it?”

“So if your feelings cool, I’ll become completely irrelevant? I can never be special to you? …If that’s the case, I wish you’d never liked me romantically in the first place.”

Harsh. A blade pierces my heart without mercy.

I didn’t want to tell you how I felt either. But it was you who dragged me out of the closet, Mitsuki.
If you hadn’t exposed my secret, I intended to stay silent forever.

The blade stuck inside hurts too much to pull out. If I tried, I’d bleed to death, so for now, I’ll just have to cherish this pain.

“…I suppose so. I’m sorry.”

“I really do love Nana. She’s the only one who matters to me.”

Mitsuki.
Thank you for the sharpest, cruelest “I love you” in the world.

“…I love you too. I love you, Mitsuki.”

“I want to be with Nana forever. I don’t want to be apart.”

“But even if we’re together, won’t you fall for another man someday? Watching that happen right beside you… it’d be too painful.”

“Why are you so sure? How could you possibly know…?”

“I know. Because that’s just how it is. You can’t control feelings of love. Just like how I ended up falling for you… You realise you’re in love before you know it. No one can stop it.”

“…Is that what love is?”

“Yes, that’s how it is.”

Breathing out white vapour, I gaze at the sparkling illuminations.
Returning to this town and seeing these winter lights, no matter how many years pass, I’ll always remember Mitsuki.

But someday, surely, the day will come when I forget.
This pain too. This love too.

When time passes and the fire scorching my chest finally dies out, someday, surely. For now… I believe that.