Episode Ninety-Eight

Breakfast was the type brought to the room, packed into a box resembling a bento tiered container filled with rice balls, sashimi, grilled dried horse mackerel, salad, and such.
Across the table, Ibara was moving her hands and mouth with ferocious speed.
I found myself worrying whether she might choke. Her neck was slender, so her oesophagus must be narrow too.

“Ibara—”

Chomp chomp, munch munch.

“Um… Ibara-san—”

Slurp. Crunch crunch crunch.
There was no way she couldn’t hear me at this distance. So, in other words, she was pretending not to hear.
Because it was awkward.

“Well, you see. I’m not bothered about it. About last night.”

Stop.
Ibara’s hand, which had been moving constantly, stopped abruptly.
With eyes trembling like a scolded puppy, she glanced at me softly.

“I mean, it’s just… normal, I guess… I think it happens all the time.”

I’m not exactly an expert, but I tried to offer some reassurance anyway.
Judging by her expression, it didn’t seem to have much effect.

“Uh…”

“Uh?”

“Waaaaaah!!”

Suddenly, Ibara banged her head face-first onto the table.

“Are you… alright⁉︎”

“It was my chance! It was my chance! It was my chance!!”

I wish she’d stop banging on the table. It’s dangerous while we’re still eating.
I lifted my bowl to stop the miso soup, packed with seaweed, from spilling.

“No, you mustn’t. It’s dangerous.”

“Why? Whyyy?”

A sniffle sounded.

“──Falling asleep?! What kind of ending is that?!”

“I was tired, what can I say?”

That was it.
Last night, while doing “that sort of thing”, Ibara had fallen asleep.
　But there was a reason for it. Ibara was blaming herself, but I think it was largely my fault too.

“Besides, I was… well… I got ticklish…”

“So I’m just bad at it, then?”

“It’s not like that—”

“But you managed fine in the bath.”

“………….”

No comment.
When I can’t say anything and just stay silent, Ibara ends up hugging her knees. She looks rather pathetic, but it’s cute.
Last night, Ibara touched me in various ways. With fingers, palms, and other methods.
It was gentle, passionate, and persistent, I think.
I’m not sure if it was clumsy or skilful, but I definitely felt an intensity that made my head spin.
　But I didn’t become like I did in the bath.
It puzzled me at the time, but now I understand why.
Guilt.
In the bath, I had the excuse that she was ‘just washing my body’. Even if forced, that pretence served as a kind of licence.
But in bed, it doesn’t work like that.
No matter how much I resolved not to touch her, what we were doing was sex.
　There was no excuse for it; it was sexual intercourse.
I was doing something wrong with a younger person.
The moment I thought that, the seeds of guilt sprouted.
Mind and body are connected. Instantly, my brain refused to accept the pleasure.
Once that happened, no matter how gently I was touched, it just felt ticklish.
It wasn’t a matter of logic; it was an emotional issue.

“…Not feeling it much?”

　Noticing my confusion, Ibara stopped touching me.
An awkward silence descended, filled with uncertainty. Without either of us saying it, the atmosphere shifted towards “Let’s start again with a hug,” and we held each other tightly, then, before we knew it, we’d both drifted off to sleep.

“Um…”

I spoke timidly to Ibara, whose face was buried in my lap.

“Maybe it was a bit too soon, after all. Doing this sort of thing?”

No response.

“I mean, there’s no need to rush, or rather, we’re not both ready yet, are we?”

“I am rushing.”

My heart skipped a beat.
A sharp, urgent voice.

“Why, like that… It wouldn’t be too late after graduation, you know.”

Ibara furrowed her perfectly shaped brows.
It was an expression like she was biting down on something bitter, forcing herself to endure it.

“I can’t wait.”

“Well, um. Be a good girl, hold back, please—”

“It’s not that.”

Seeing tears welling up at the corners of her eyes made me start.

“…I could be a good girl, but it’s no good.”

“Ibara…?”

“Because, after I graduate—”

Ibara suddenly fell silent, shoving another rice ball into her mouth.
　She chewed hurriedly, swallowing the words whole.
Even waiting, the next words didn’t come.
What was she trying to say just now?
After graduation. After graduation?
That was obvious.
Ibara had said she wanted to go on to further education. Her insomnia was improving, and she was fundamentally a diligent, hard worker, she’d surely get in.
　The only thing changing would be where she went to study and joining the ranks of adults. Nothing else would be different.
She’d come stay at my place, lying down beside me in the same bed.
We’d sleep together, passing through countless nights together.
Nothing should change. Nothing at all.

“………….”

That’s how it should have been, yet Ibara remained silent.