Episode Thirty-Seven: Interlude
My throat feels dry. The ramune, the only thing I’d had to drink, I finished and threw away before coming here. All that’s left in my hands are two cups of coloured water. Shaved ice, I think it was.
I don’t know how long it’s been since Yuna disappeared. My head is still completely blank about what actually happened.
We bought shaved ice, came here to eat it together, took photos of each other, and—
She kissed me.
Earnest. And clumsy, too — the feel of her lips against mine still hasn’t faded from memory.
In that instant my head went completely empty, and I couldn’t even catch Yuna’s arm as she fled, couldn’t call out after her.
I think that’s only natural.
In that brief moment, I got to touch the thing I’d wanted to touch, and it felt like a feeling I’d thought impossible had actually come true. There’s no way anyone could stay composed in a moment like that. I think it’s a small miracle I didn’t fall apart completely.
Even so — I should have held onto that fleeing arm and pulled her into an embrace anyway. I should have called out for her to stay. My head fills up with regret after regret.
What is Yuna feeling right now, I wonder. The look on her face in that last moment, on the verge of tears, is stuck fast in my mind.
I take a sip of the water dyed blue. Lukewarm, with a cloying sweetness that clings to the throat — not very good.
We’d only just made up, and now it feels like Yuna might vanish somewhere, just like that. The anxiety flickers through my head.
“…Ow.”
Looking down at my aching foot, I find a little blood welling up at the base of my big toe. My feet must not have been used to the unfamiliar geta. I never once noticed pain like this while I was with Yuna.
Wincing at the sting, I made my slow way back toward the lantern-lit square.
◇
I’d returned the yukata and come straight home, and yet it had gotten quite late by the time I got there. Dropping my gaze to take off my sneakers, I caught sight of Yuna’s shoes, kicked off carelessly.
I couldn’t stand still, kicked off my own shoes, and ran up the stairs. I heard Dad’s voice from downstairs but figured it could wait.
“Yuna… Onee-chan, are you awake?”
I knocked softly at the door, but there was no answer. Too early for sleep, and yet no light showed underneath.
“Hey, can you hear me? I want to talk, just a little.”
The old me would have walked straight in without thinking twice. But I couldn’t find that kind of courage right now.
I want to see Yuna’s face. I want to settle this restless feeling as soon as I can. She must be close to breaking apart right now.
If only I’d stopped her back then. I bit down hard on my back teeth against a regret I’d lost count of by now.
“…This is the last time. Yuna, I want to talk. Would you open the door?”
I called out, my voice barely holding together, but not a single sound came from the other side of the door.
Standing had become too much, and my strength gave out, sinking me to the floor where I sat. I pressed my palm flat against the door, but felt no warmth, nothing at all.
Yuna is right there. If I wanted to see her, I could, in an instant. And yet it felt as though I’d already lost the ability to see her at all, and I couldn’t hold back the sobs that spilled out of me.
I took a shorter shower than usual, barely bothered drying my hair, and before I knew it I was asleep in bed. Maybe I just wanted to escape from this day as quickly as I could.
When I woke in the morning, there was no sign of Yuna, only my usual lunchbox left waiting.
Even at a time like this, her being so conscientious about it makes her all the more dear to me, and it aches. What was she feeling, standing in that kitchen? If I’d just gotten up a little earlier, maybe I could have wrapped my arms around that back of hers.
I want to see Yuna. I want to talk to her. Her loafers weren’t in the entryway, so she must already be headed to school.
I rushed through breakfast and caught an earlier train than usual toward school. I tried sending another message on the train, but it never showed as read.
Out of breath, I climbed the slope and, without stopping, swapped my shoes at the lockers. Almost at the classroom. Yuna’s probably waiting there with a sad look on her face — I’ll hold her the moment I arrive. I don’t care who’s around to see. Thinking that, I rushed in, and the classroom was empty. Her backpack wasn’t there either.
“…Yuna.”
Still breathing hard from the stairs, I checked her shoe locker and found her loafers gone — so she must be somewhere in the building. I have no idea where Yuna would go at a time like this. Calling us sisters, saying I love her, and still I know nothing real about her at all. It’s pathetic.
I wandered the school in a daze, unable to find any trace of her, and ended up spending a while sitting blankly in the classroom.
“Ao, mornin’~ Whoa, you look rough.”
“Do I?”
I feel like someone said something similar to me before. Something this happy happened just last night, so why do I look like this? The once-quiet classroom was filling up with noise, and yet the tightness in my chest, like something crushing it, only seemed to be getting worse.
“No, seriously, your colour’s bad. Want to go to the nurse’s office?”
“I’m fine. It won’t get better anyway.”
I said that and dropped my eyes to my phone. The one-sided messages from me had finally piled up to six. With this many messages sitting there, Yuna’s probably at a complete loss for how to even reply.
“…Haah.”
Where did I go wrong. If only I’d told her how I felt before she did… something like that. If I’d had the courage, maybe I wouldn’t have forced her into doing something so difficult.
Someone seemed to be talking to me, but even staying upright felt exhausting, so I let my face fall against the desk and closed my eyes.
Some time later, the chime rang out, and as I lifted my head I saw someone opening the classroom door.
I caught myself before I could jump to my feet. Yuna, looking like she might collapse at any moment, wove through the gaps between classmates and lowered herself into her seat. Ignoring every greeting sent her way, she slumped forward and buried her face against the desk.
“Tsukishima? Feeling unwell? Go to the nurse’s office if it’s rough.”
“…I’m fine.”
Watching Yuna answer our homeroom teacher’s concerned voice so coldly, I felt my whole body turn cold in an instant.
This is my fault. Because I couldn’t accept her properly right away, she’s broken.
I broke the Yuna I love so much.
A sharp wave of dizziness made even lifting my head difficult. My palm, pressed against the desk, had gone damp with sweat, and my breathing felt shallow.
“Ashiura-san? You okay?”
Hearing my name called out of nowhere pulled my hazy consciousness back.
Whoever was standing at the podium had changed without my noticing. Homeroom had ended and first period had already begun. The teacher, textbook in hand, called out to me with furrowed brows. I needed to answer something, but my head, gone completely blank, couldn’t find the right words.
“I’ll take her to the nurse’s off—”
“I’m… fine. Sorry.”
I forced the words out and drank down the water from my bag.
What am I doing, losing my composure like this. I’m the one who needs to help Yuna. My friends’ worried glances register somewhere in the back of my mind, but I don’t have room to deal with that right now.
Lunch break won’t give us enough time, and I can’t think of anywhere the two of us could talk properly. The moment school ends, I’ll pull Yuna aside and talk to her right away. Even looking at her back hurts — but she must be hurting far more than I am. We have to face each other. I forced down the urge to run to her side right this second and turned my eyes back to the blackboard.