Episode 116: New Year’s Shrine Visit

‘If you don’t wake up, I’m going to kiss you, you know?’

　My eyes gradually adjusted to the bright light. When I opened them, I realised that if Endo-san moved even slightly, our lips would touch, and suddenly I could hear my own heartbeat.

‘I’m getting up, so stop it.’

　As I pushed her shoulder and sat up, Endo-san was pouting slightly. I don’t mind her childish side when she lets it show.

‘Endo-san, did you manage to get any sleep?’
‘Not a bit.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s all Takizawa’s fault.’

　Ever since yesterday, Endo’s been blaming everything on me. Yet, even this little exchange feels pleasant to me right now. When did I become such a strange person?

“Stop complaining and let’s go.”
“Okay!”

　Endo-san said she wanted to see the first sunrise of the year. Because she said that, And yet now I find myself wanting Endo-san beside me.

　I think I’ve been acting strangely lately.

　I used to hate memorable occasions, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, birthdays, and everything else, and thought I didn’t need them. Yet now, I want Endo-san to be by my side.

　It’s because it’s Endo-san, and no one else, that I feel this way. Her presence has become so precious to me that even I’m surprised by it.

I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about such things, so I hurriedly changed into my street clothes, threw on my coat and wrapped my scarf around my neck.

“I’m so happy we get to walk together in matching scarves.”
“I don’t need to hear that.”

She blurts out embarrassing things with such delight. Hearing that, I feel embarrassed myself and the heat rises to my face.

I’ve never seen Endo-san match with anyone else — which means this is only for me. Something about that made me feel faintly special, and this time the warmth gathered at the centre of my chest.

“I’ll wrap it for you, so wait a moment.”

　Endo-san gently re-wrapped the scarf around my neck so that the pattern faced outward.

“This way it’s cuter.”
“I don’t need to hear that either.”

　I spoke to her in a slightly annoyed tone, fed up with her constant chatter, but Endo-san simply pulled the scarf closer, drew my face towards hers, and pressed her lips against mine.

‘Don’t do things without asking…’
‘This is the best way to shut me up, isn’t it? When I’m being a nuisance, Takizawa should just shut me up like this.’
‘You just want to kiss me, don’t you? You perverted kiss-fiend.’
‘It’s because it’s you, Takizawa, that I want to…’

　At those words, I caught my breath. My chest tightened and pounded. Without understanding why it had to be me, or why my chest felt so tight, I ignored her and went outside.

It was freezing outside; my face felt like it was going to freeze solid.
I buried my face in my scarf.
I really shouldn’t have come out after all.

“It’s colder than I thought.”

Endo-san was hiding her face in her scarf just like me. Just when I thought she was quiet, she suddenly grabbed my hand and slipped it into my pocket.

‘At least one of my hands is warm now.’
‘You’re such an idiot…’

　Ignoring my words, the girl, looking delighted, pressed herself close against my arm. She’s right though — one side is warm. And just like that we walked down the dark road together.

　When we reached the largest shrine near the house, it was overflowing with people: those celebrating the New Year, those looking sleepy, and those enjoying laughing and chatting warmly with family and friends.

‘There are loads of people here, even at this time of night.’

　Endo-san was fidgeting so much I could tell even through the part of her body pressed against me; she looked absolutely delighted, but just looking at this crowd made me feel queasy. And seeing the stairs right in front of us made me feel even worse.

‘These stairs are really long, aren’t they? Let’s go!’

　Endo-san let go of my hand and started climbing the stairs. My right side, which had been warm just a moment ago, had gone cold, and I followed after her.

I was out of breath, and as I climbed higher, I found myself struggling to breathe, yet my body remained cold - a strange sensation had taken hold of me. When I reached the top of the stairs, the entrance to the shrine came into view straight ahead.

‘Puff, puff… Takizawa, you’re surprisingly fit, aren’t you? Let’s do some sport together next time.’
‘No way, I’m rubbish at exercise.’
‘Well then, just watch me do sport.’
“Why?”
“Because I want you to think I’m cool.”
“……”

I found myself wanting to ask why. I really never understand what Endo-san is on about.

We both caught our breath and headed towards the queue to pay our respects at the shrine.

Whilst many people were chatting, we remained silent the whole time. It wasn’t uncomfortable, though; it simply felt as though I wasn’t really with Endo-san.

　A white mist, as pure as her heart, rose from the lips of the girl next to us. I gazed at her for a moment, and before long, it was our turn.

　Endo-san had already begun her prayers.

　Her profile, with her eyes closed and a serious expression on her face, was so beautiful that I found myself staring at her for a moment. I think there must be something wrong with me if just seeing her like that makes me feel this way.

　There was a queue behind us, so I thought I’d better hurry. I put some coins into the offering box and rang the temple bell.

　Two bows, two claps.

‘Please let me pass my entrance exams. Please let Endo-san and Mai pass too. And…’

　Even though it was just a voice in my head and no one was listening, I found myself hesitating. It was because I felt that if I made that wish, I’d be disappointed if it didn’t come true, and I’d end up resenting the gods.

I think I’m a rather selfish person, making wishes on my own and then blaming the gods rather than myself if they don’t come true.

Still, I simply couldn’t help but make the wish.

‘Please let me be by Endo-san’s side again this year.’

　I bowed politely and stepped out of the queue.

‘Takizawa, that took a while. What did you ask for?’
‘If I say, it won’t come true.’

　Endo-san looked a little surprised. Had I said something odd?

‘What?’
‘No, I was just a bit surprised because you don’t seem like the type to believe in this sort of thing.’

　Endo-san was right.
　I’m not the sort of person who believes in God.

　If God really existed, I would have made plenty of requests for my family long ago, and I reckon things would have worked out somehow.

　I know better than anyone that I can’t change my circumstances without putting in the effort myself.

　But today, at least, I simply couldn’t help but make a wish.

　I didn’t have the confidence that I could stay by Endo’s side on my own, so I asked for a little help, even if just a bit.

‘Once the national exams are over, there’s somewhere I want to take you, Takizawa. Could you keep half a day free?’
‘Where are we going?’
‘I’ll tell you then.’

The unusually subdued way Endo-san said it made it impossible to refuse. Once the national exams are over, things will settle for the time being. Maybe it would be alright to take a short break from studying to clear my head..

‘It might be a nice break.’
‘Is that OK?’
‘I won’t go if you don’t want me to.’
‘I want you to! Oh, and by the way, let’s buy each other good luck charms.’
‘Why?’
‘Did you know that good luck charms work better when you get them from someone else? Did you know that?’
‘No, I didn’t. Don’t rely on things like that; just do your best on your own.’
‘Ugh… You’re absolutely right, but…’

　Endo-san looked a little wistfully at the stall selling amulets. I think that sort of expression is rather cheeky. And I’m a fool for wanting to spoil her like that.

“Sigh…………”

　I went over to the stall selling amulets, bought a purple ‘pass the exam’ amulet, and pressed it firmly into Endo-san’s hand.

‘Is that alright?’
‘If you don’t want it, just throw it away.’

As soon as I said that, Endo shook her head vigorously and hurriedly went and got the same charm.

‘Here, this is for Takizawa.’

I don’t really believe in charms, but the one Endo gave me felt just a little bit warm.

Endo kept looking at the charm I’d given her with a delighted expression. It wasn’t anything special, but seeing her look like that made my heart flutter, so I pinched her cheek to hide my embarrassment.

“Ouch, my cheek!”
“It’s your own fault for pulling a funny face.”
“Takizawa! Let’s go to that stall over there! I’ve only just eaten soba, but I’m already hungry again. I want to try some ohayaki and candy floss, and there’s a shooting gallery too!”
“Endo-san, you really are like a child when it comes to food stalls, aren’t you?”

Her face had returned to its cheerful expression, as if my cheek-pulling attack had never happened. Watching her like that, I couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

Endo-san looks happy today. Lately, perhaps because of her university entrance exams, she’d been looking terribly miserable, so I was worried she might be like that again today, but I’m glad her smile has returned.

“It’s nearly time for the first sunrise of the year, so let’s go.”

As we climbed the stairs, I took Endo-san’s hand again after it had slipped away for a moment, and pulled her along.

How do I make it so I can keep holding this hand from here on?

The greedy thought surfaced unbidden.

Endo-san isn’t mine or anything like that. But even so — even if she doesn’t have to be mine — I want to be the one beside her.

When I try to imagine someone else standing next to Endo-san and holding her hand, it’s as though I’ve forgotten how to breathe — I can’t even draw air in or push it out, and I feel like I’m suffocating.

We waited at a spot where the first sunrise was said to be particularly beautiful. The surroundings gradually grew lighter, and a circular crest peeked out from behind the mountain. The light streaming down from the mountain was dazzling, warm, and breathtakingly beautiful.

‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it…’
‘Yeah.’
‘Takizawa… shall we watch the first sunrise together again next year?’
‘Then don’t become anyone else’s——’
‘Hmm?? What did you say?’

I was surprised by the words that had slipped out of my own mouth. Endo-san looked as though she hadn’t understood what I’d said, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

If I want to watch the first sunrise with her again next year, then Endo-san shouldn’t become anyone else’s — she should become mine. But there’s no way I could say that. There’s no reason for her to be mine, and no reason I should have any right to claim her.

The first sunrise was beautiful — and yet something was lodged in my throat, my chest, my head, and I couldn’t take in the view with a pure heart.