Episode 57: A Fresh Start

When I woke up sometime after midday, Takizawa was still asleep. I suppose she must have been absolutely exhausted.

My temperature had dropped considerably, and the headache and nausea had almost completely disappeared.
It must be thanks to having eaten and taken my medicine.

I’ll make lunch for Takizawa.

Just as I thought that and tried to get up, Takizawa’s arm, which was wrapped around me, tightened.

‘Takizawa, were you awake?’
‘I woke up because you moved, Endo-san. Where are you planning to go?’
‘I thought I’d make lunch.’

At the very least, I want to be allowed to make a meal.

‘What are you on about? You haven’t recovered from your cold yet, so stay in bed and rest.’
Saying that, Takizawa got out of bed.

‘I’ll just pop to the nearby convenience store.’
Saying that, she tried to head off somewhere.

　I knew she’d be back in a moment, but I felt a sudden pang of anxiety, as if something had stabbed me in the chest, and I grabbed Takizawa’s sleeve.

“I’ll make it, so please don’t go too far. I’m feeling much better now, so I’m fine.”

　When I said that, Takizawa let out a deep sigh.

“It’s not that far, is it? It’s just round the corner. Why don’t you come with me, Endo?”
　Right now, I’d be happy with anything as long as I could be with Takizawa, so I nodded.

　Just as I was about to head out in my pyjamas with just a coat thrown over them, Takizawa stopped me.

‘What’s wrong?’
‘Just shut up.’

Saying that, Takizawa wrapped a beige scarf around my neck.

‘Is this…?’
As I looked at her, completely baffled, Takizawa’s brow furrowed and she faltered for words.

“—It’s Christmas today. I meant to give it to you yesterday before I went home, but Endo-san looked like she was down with a nasty cold, so I couldn’t leave.”
Takizawa fell silent, her face still sullen.

I felt a warmth slowly spreading through my chest.
I was happy simply by the fact that Takizawa had come to bring me a present on Christmas Day, even though I’d been off school with a cold.

I clutched the scarf tightly.
It was as warm as Takizawa’s heart.

　There was just one problem.
I hadn’t bought anything for Takizawa. To be precise, I think it’s more accurate to say I couldn’t buy anything.

Not knowing what Takizawa liked, I had no idea what to give her. I’d intended to decide by the last day, but I caught a cold the day before and missed my chance to buy it.

“Thank you. I’d been worrying for ages about what to buy for Takizawa, and just when I’d decided to buy it the day before, I caught a cold. So I didn’t buy anything…”
　Before I could say ‘I’m sorry’, Takizawa cut me off.

‘You don’t need to. You’re ill, so just behave like a sick person and take it easy. Come on, let’s go.’ With that, Takizawa took my hand and we stepped out of the front door.

Takizawa is wearing a deep blue scarf.
I think it suits her very well.
I wonder if this scarf suits me.

I buried my face in the scarf as we headed towards the supermarket.

‘Endo-san, is porridge alright?’
‘I think I can eat a normal meal now. Anyway, Takizawa, I’ll pay for the cold medicine and stuff.’
‘I don’t need it.’

Saying that, Takizawa carried on with the shopping.
Partly because I felt bad about what happened yesterday, I made a suggestion.

‘Takizawa, if you’re up for it, shall we have the Christmas party we were supposed to have yesterday? We can’t make a big fuss of it as I’m just getting over being ill, but…’
She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no either, so I took that as a ‘not against it’ and decided to start shopping.

‘Takizawa, let’s have some sparkling wine. And there’s chicken and pizza too, so let’s get some of that. And shall we share a cake?’
Being able to go shopping with Takizawa, and feeling a bit better now that my cold had cleared up, made the shopping trip quite enjoyable.

‘Endo-san, you’re eating as if you’d never been ill at all.’

Hearing Takizawa say that, I felt a little embarrassed.

‘Right then, I’ll just have some rice porridge.’

As I sulked like that, Takizawa burst out laughing.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Takizawa smile before…

Her eyes narrowed, her irises so beautiful they seemed to draw you in, her long upper lashes almost touching her lower ones. A faint crease formed at the corners of her eyes, and the corners of her mouth turned up in a picture-perfect smile.

It was the first time I’d realised this was what Takizawa looked like when she smiled, and I was so taken aback I couldn’t speak.

‘Endo-san, porridge isn’t enough for you, is it? It’s fine. I’ll eat the bit you can’t manage, so go and buy whatever you fancy.’

Her smile lasted only a moment before she returned to her usual expression, but for me, it was such a shock, almost like a major event, that nothing else registered in my mind.

Takizawa has been so kind ever since yesterday.
I found myself thinking that perhaps it would have been better if I’d just stayed ill.

With such thoughts running through my mind, our shopping came to an end.

‘Let’s split the bags.’
‘No.’

Whenever we go shopping, Takizawa carries all the bags and has no intention of handing any to me.

‘Is Takizawa like this with everyone else too?’
‘Like what?’
‘I mean, is she kind to them?’
‘I’m not particularly kind to anyone, and I don’t really interact with people much, so I don’t really know.’

Realising that right now, she’s only being like this with me, I felt as though my heart was floating on air.

　As soon as we got home, I laid out the things we’d bought. Even though it was still daytime, I poured some sparkling wine into a glass and served dinner.

“It’s delicious, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”

All I got in reply was a curt ‘yeah’.
Even though that was all, I felt incredibly happy.

“Takizawa, you turned down my invitation to the study session before the Christmas party, didn’t you? What were you planning to do?”
‘Do I really need to tell you, Endo?’
‘No, I suppose not… but you always give me a reason, like “I’m hanging out with Mai”, so I just wondered why.’

Perhaps because I’m feeling better, Takizawa is back to her usual self. I find myself thinking I should just pretend to be ill after all.

‘I’ve started a part-time job as a tutor.’
‘Eh!?’

I let out a loud gasp without meaning to.

“Why? Who are you tutoring?”
“You’re being a nuisance, Endo. I decided to save up money so I can live on my own at uni. I’m tutoring a secondary school student who lives near my house.”

I hadn’t heard that before.
The thought of Takizawa teaching someone else the way she used to teach me made my chest feel tight and heavy.

I don’t want that. I don’t want that at all.

“How many times a week?”
“Twice.”
“I see…”
I couldn’t say anything else.
Since Takizawa was kindly spending time with me to make up for the missed Christmas, I had to put on a cheerful front.

The cake, cut in half, tasted of nothing.

“The cake’s lovely, isn’t it?”
Takizawa said something like that. My mind was nowhere near that.

　I have no right to restrict Takizawa’s actions.
Even though I know that, I can’t help but imagine her having fun with someone else, and I can’t control my emotions.

Perhaps I should have kept it to myself after all.

I like Takizawa, and I want to be special to her.
I want to have her all to myself.
I don’t want to share her with anyone.

But I’m sure that even if I told her now, she wouldn’t believe me. Takizawa doesn’t trust people very much.
　Even if I told her I liked her romantically, she’d probably just say she didn’t really understand.

That’s precisely why I thought I should show her through my actions from now on, and gradually let her know that I like her.

But seeing myself getting flustered and panicking over what happened just now makes me anxious about the future.

‘Don’t you like it, Endo-san?’
Takizawa peered at me as she said that.

　No… I can’t lie to my own feelings…
My body moves of its own accord.
I’m holding Takizawa tight.
Takizawa pushes my shoulders away firmly.

‘What’s the matter, Endo-san? You’re always suddenly hugging me or kissing me, I never know when you’re going to do it.’

I could tell Takizawa was a little angry.

How on earth could I get this feeling across to her?

‘I want us to keep having study sessions together.’
‘You’re the one who’s been avoiding me lately. I thought you didn’t need me anymore.’
It was true, I had been the one avoiding her to stop my feelings for Takizawa from growing too strong.

‘You’re right… I’m sorry…’
“Endo-san, you’ve been acting strange lately. Has something happened?”
I didn’t answer.

From then on, I spent time with Takizawa whilst trying not to let my feelings grow too strong. We continued to have study sessions as usual, but I made a conscious effort not to do anything strange around Takizawa. Because being rejected, like this time, is incredibly painful.

January and February passed with Takizawa’s likes and dislikes remaining a mystery, and then it was March and the spring holidays.