Episode 24

“Morning, Nanoha.”
“Morning.”

Yudzuki came and settled herself on the chair in front of my desk, leaning her elbows on it.

“Nanoha, did you curl your hair?”

She reached over smoothly and touched it.

I didn’t really want her touching me.
I wanted to brush her hand away, but I didn’t have the courage to show that openly.

She played with my hair until apparently satisfied, then let go.

“I don’t think it violates the dress code.”
“That’s not what I meant — I thought it looked cute.”
“Thank you.”

The thanks came out without meaning a word of it. The whole time felt suffocating, and I wished the lesson would just start.

“Nanoha, have you got someone you like?”
“Sorry?”
“I wondered if you were doing your hair for someone.”
“Obviously not.”
“That’s fine then. Oh — were you with someone on Christmas?”

That made my heart lurch. I worked to keep my face neutral.

“Why do you ask?”
“I spotted someone who looked like you at the shopping centre. It was far away and I couldn’t really tell.”
“Probably someone else.”
“Maybe so.”

Yudzuki made a slightly sad face and went back to her own seat.

Had she seen me with Morishita?

I didn’t particularly mind being seen by anyone — but if that got out, Morishita would be furious.

Without thinking, I started twisting a curl around my finger.

I really have become an idiot.

The day I curled my hair, Morishita’s eyes had lingered on me just a little longer than usual.

Thinking that if she saw me even outside of their shared time she might notice me, I’d done something this unnecessary.

And yet there was almost no chance of running into Morishita, who was in a different class. And still I was doing this.

“Haah…”
“What’s the matter? A sigh that big?”

Hinata peered at me with concern. That sigh wasn’t like me either, and I caught myself and swallowed it back down.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry.”
“Okay. Oh — next is the science lab! First period with a room change, how annoying.”
“You’re right. We’d better hurry.”

I rushed out of the classroom with Hinata.
But the moment I stepped into the corridor, a jolt went through my chest.

Morishita and Suzuki Ran were right in front of me.

I swallowed.
Morishita glanced over at me, and that glance made the tension worse.

“Nanoha? What’s wrong?”
“Sorry. Let’s go.”

I passed by Morishita and headed for the science lab.

After that, I was barely present for the science lesson.
I kept wondering what Morishita had been thinking when she looked at me, and I couldn’t concentrate.

This won’t do.

I must not disappoint my father any further.
I have to get top of the year on my grades, get into a good university, become a person worth being.

When my father’s words from New Year’s came back to me, the floating feeling drained from my head and the teacher’s voice began ringing in it so loudly it almost hurt.

My breathing was difficult.
Something was tightening around my throat.

I reached for my necktie to loosen it, then stopped.
This was school.

I was the student council vice president, and I had to keep discipline.

I took a deep breath and made myself listen to the lesson.

And then my phone buzzed against my leg.
Who on earth at this hour, I thought, curiosity getting the better of me.

Looking at your phone in class wasn’t something I should do — but just checking a notification should be fine. I hid the phone under the desk and tapped it where the teacher couldn’t see, and the person on the screen made me freeze.

Today I’m coming to read manga.

I’d meant only to check the notification — and instead I unlocked the screen and replied immediately. The awareness that I couldn’t be caught by the teacher or any classmate made sweat prickle on my hands.
My damp fingers weren’t registering properly on the screen, so I sent something short.

Okay.

I exhaled, and settled. Something like peace came to my chest, and the tightness at my throat stopped bothering me.

I focused on science as usual, and first period ended. On the way back to the classroom, Hinata was looking at me with an unusually serious expression.

“Hinata, don’t look at me like that. If you have something to say, say it.”
“Nanoha, you’re not mixed up with some bad guy, are you?”
“Sorry?”

The question was so out of nowhere that a genuinely baffled sound escaped me. Hinata looked like she was weighing whether to go on, clearly in some distress — then seemed to make up her mind.

“Nanoha, you were on your phone in class just now, weren’t you?”

My heart nearly burst.
She’d seen?

I’d been so sure no one had noticed, and the shock was all the greater for it.

“Sorry…”
“I don’t want an apology. It’s just — there are some strange people online these days. I got a bit worried.”
“Sorry for making you worry. It’s nothing like that, so it’s fine.”
“Oh good, that’s a relief!”

The serious look left Hinata’s face, and the usual open, uncomplicated expression came back.
Making Hinata worry about me — that really wasn’t like me at all.

After that I made a point of being my usual self through all the remaining lessons, then left for home.

Today Yudzuki had said strange things, and Hinata had said strange things.

No. I was the strange one.
I was losing my ability to perform being myself at school.

Since getting involved with Morishita, my rhythm had definitely been thrown off.

I didn’t want to say it was her fault — but being around her was making me ordinary.
I’d been working so hard to perform being a perfect person, and around Morishita I couldn’t keep it hidden anymore.

Maybe because no matter how miserable a version of myself Morishita saw, she treated me the same.
Maybe because Morishita was someone who expected nothing from me.
That might be why.

Perhaps I should put some distance between us for a while.

I was walking home turning that thought over, twisting the end of a curl around my finger, when something hard came down on my head with a thud.
I turned in surprise. A sullen-looking girl was standing there.

“Morishita?”
“What’s with that vacant face.”
“I just — you’re early today.”
“If I’m unwelcome I’ll go back.”
“Why do you always have to be so contrary.”

Morishita always looked like she was about to slip away from me.

This connection between us was probably the kind that would snap the moment I stopped trying to hold it.

That wouldn’t be strange to have happen tomorrow.
From tomorrow, Morishita could go back to being the girl in the next class who had nothing to do with me.
It wouldn’t feel out of place at all.
And still I was clinging to this relationship like it was the only thing to hold onto.

We walked home in silence. When we got there, Morishita was immediately on the bed reading manga.

I was the one who said that was fine, so it should have been fine — but today there was something in me that couldn’t accept it.

My head still hurt where the bag had hit it, and today I was full of feelings I couldn’t make sense of.

I didn’t even know why I was this irritated.

“Don’t you think you’re being presumptuous?”
“You said it was okay.”
“I know, but — and stop hitting me on the head with your bag. What if you made me stupid?”
“If something that light made you stupid, you were always that stupid.”
“Then at least don’t hurt the cute me.”
“Saying that about yourself — aren’t you a bit too confident?”
“If I don’t think I’m cute, who’s going to?”
“Everyone thinks Nanoha is cute.”

Morishita said that and gave my hair a firm pull. Today I couldn’t make sense of myself — but Morishita was making even less sense than usual.

“Stop that, I went to the trouble of curling it.”
“Is a vice president allowed to break dress code?”
“This doesn’t break it.”
“Also, you were on your phone in class.”
“That was — because you messaged me at that hour.”
“I’m just an ordinary student so I don’t care, but you’re vice president.”
“Haah…”

Arguing with her any further wasn’t getting anywhere. I needed to be the adult here and step back.

Vice president this, who do you like that, you’re not yourself —

I wished people would stop pushing their idea of what I should be onto me.

There was no reason for Morishita of all people to say things like that to me.
Having Morishita throw off my rhythm any further wasn’t good.

“For a while — I want to focus on studying, so hold off on coming over.”

At that, for the first time, Morishita sat up from the bed and looked at me.

“You were the one who told me to keep watch over your studying.”
“Morishita, you’re just reading manga.”
“You said that was fine.”
“I know, but—!”

I was about to keep going and stopped.

I didn’t want to argue with Morishita.
I just wanted to get through my relationships with people in an ordinary way, and have a flat, uneventful life.

And yet in front of Morishita my emotions surged and I lost control of myself.

Before I’d noticed it, Morishita had a serious expression and was sitting right in front of me. Then she gripped my collar and pulled.

“If I’m really a nuisance, just say so clearly.”

It was different from her usual cold voice — something in it was unsteady. I’d never heard Morishita like that before, and the surprise threw me, and my thinking began to stop working.

“That’s not what I meant…”
“It is. If you hate it that much, I won’t come anymore.”
“Eh…?”

Morishita picked up her bag and headed for the front door.
Whether stopping her was the right answer or letting her go was the right answer — I couldn’t decide. Not in that moment.

One thing I understood: if I didn’t stop her, it was likely I’d never have anything to do with Morishita again. So if I wanted to keep what was between us, I should stop her.

“See you.”

But when I saw that cold expression on her face, my body wouldn’t move.
I could only stand there and watch Morishita leave through the front door with the worst look on her face.