Episode Thirty-Two: Interlude
I’ve fallen for Tsukishima Yuna. Hopelessly so.
Until March she was just one of many classmates. We’d barely spoken. From April she became my stepsister, and we started living together — an excellent older sister, good at cooking, thoughtful.
The composed, grown-up face she never lets slip at school, going bright red the moment she’s in front of me — I found it cute, and teasing her was fun. That’s all it was supposed to be. But somewhere in the middle of living together, it seems I turned into someone who can’t function without her. Whatever I’m doing, her face surfaces in my head.
When she forgave someone as terrible as me, and even agreed to come to the festival, I was so happy I nearly cried in front of other people.
I don’t have any particular attachment to this festival itself. Last year I came with Tatsuka and the others, but the boys calling out to us got tiresome and I left early. Not boring, exactly, but not memorable either. That’s about the impression it left.
But this year is different. Because it’s my first date with someone I’ve fallen for.
I don’t know how Yuna feels about today. But I mean it seriously, as a date.
And beyond that — I don’t even know how she feels about me right now. Whether she still likes me. Or whether I’ve become nothing more than a stepsister to her. I think I finally understand why she never acted on her feelings for me, even knowing how special I was to her. Being sisters is nothing but an obstacle for us now.
If only that could be broken. If only “sisters” could be forgotten. After doing something so terrible, and still carrying these twisted feelings — I find myself disgusting.
I mustn’t forget the anger Yuna, always so gentle, showed for the first time. So I suppose I’ll go on living with this twisted feeling inside me. I don’t even want to imagine what would happen to me if I ever saw her end up with Fuuka, or with someone else.
But there’s nothing else to do. Live carrying both the pain and the feeling. I decided that, on the day she forgave me.
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“You may choose whichever design you like. For someone like you, this shade might suit particularly well.”
The elegant, softly-smiling shop assistant showed me a yukata patterned with vivid fireworks against black. Mature, I thought. Nice.
“If there’s a colour you have in mind, we can bring out a few. Anything you’re drawn to?”
“Let’s see…”
I’ve barely worn a yukata before, so I don’t really know what suits me. What colour even is “me”? Tatsuka always says darker shades suit me, but is that really who I am?
“Do you have anything in blue?”
The colour I’d been avoiding most. There’s no trauma attached to it. I’ve just been avoiding it because it shares a sound with my own name.
“Of course. I’ll bring several out, one moment please.”
I looked through a good number of yukata, and with the assistant’s advice settled on the design that felt most right. A hair arrangement was included too — worth the splurge.
Wincing at the unfamiliar feel of the geta, I made my way slowly through the sunset-lit station. The crisp clatter of the wood against the ground felt summery and pleasant.
I wonder what Yuna will say, seeing me like this. The old her would have let her eyes wander everywhere, and complimented me in a voice too quiet to carry even standing right beside me.
Having already given up on her, why did I invite her to the summer festival at all? There’s no way I can tell her how I feel. Once today ends, I think everything I’ve been pretending not to see will come crashing down all at once. I don’t know if I can bear that.
But if I didn’t ask now, I felt certain I’d never get the chance to go on a date with Yuna, ever, for the rest of my life. This is the first and last date we’ll ever have. A date where the feelings can’t be returned might be its own kind of torture — but that’s fine. I need Yuna badly enough that even a moment’s happiness is worth reaching for.
Just got to the station! Where’s Onee-chan?
Got here a bit ago, waiting by the torii.
The reply came back the moment I sent my message. I’d meant to arrive early so she wouldn’t have to wait, and ended up making her wait anyway. I need to hurry. She’s easily swept along by other people — if some stranger called out to her, she might just follow along without thinking.
If Fuuka, or some other friend, invited her somewhere and she just went along with it—
That would never happen, and still the thought that crossed my mind for a second stole my breath. Could I really go on living with this feeling, indefinitely?
I walked carefully so as not to be swept up by the crowd, not to trip, and finally reached the great torii gate. Yuna should be somewhere around here.
Straining my eyes against the crowd, I found the figure I’d wanted to see. Both hands gripping her phone, looking around anxiously. It’s rare to see her in a skirt outside her uniform. I’ve always thought she has lovely legs, that she should show them off more.
But today… maybe I’d rather she hadn’t. The eyes of every boy nearby bothered me, and there’s surely someone here who has feelings for her too.
She must be able to see me, and yet she hadn’t noticed, standing there looking uneasy — it was unbearably endearing. I fought down the urge to just keep watching her like that, and tapped her gently on the shoulder.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, Yuna.”
Her name came out of me before I could stop it. Well — plenty of classmates around, so it’s fine, probably. Yuna. Such a lovely name. I want to say it more.
“Yuna?”
Her small mouth opened and closed, clearly trying to say something. But nothing came out properly. Colour rushed into her soft-looking cheeks almost instantly, and just for a moment she looked exactly like she did back when we first became family.
“A— ah, oh.”
“Hm?”
I braced my legs against the urge to pull her into an embrace right there. Good thing I was wearing geta I wasn’t used to. If I’d had on shoes I actually knew how to walk in, I don’t think I could have stopped myself.
“Ah— um… I haven’t been waiting.”
“Not waiting at all.”
I doubt I have any right to laugh at her — my own face was probably just as red. The noise of passers-by mixed with the distant festival drums made the whole place loud, and yet Yuna’s small voice seemed to spread through every part of me, my temperature climbing higher with every word.
“Good. I couldn’t walk very fast in these. I’d love it if we could take it slow today.”
“R— right. Let’s take our time looking around today.”
“…Also—”
She seemed to be about to say something, but kept her eyes down and said nothing further.
“Today, Ao… I think you’re cute.”
“I’m always cute… though.”
Something in me jolted. Whatever heat had been climbing seemed to hit its ceiling all at once. My head felt ready to boil over and take the rest of me down with it.
Impossible. There’s no way I can go on holding this feeling in. Because Yuna is this cute. I don’t want to hand her to anyone else. I want her to be only mine.
“…Really? Glad I put in the effort.”
I forced the gears that had nearly spun out of control back into place and smiled. I don’t know if it came out right, but I hope the happiness came through anyway.
“Yuna’s cute too. Cuter than anyone here.”
“…That’s a lie. This is just something cheap.”
Had I really managed to get the gears back in line? Maybe I’d simply split in two — one half of me trying to give her up, the other clinging on.
“You’re cute. Though I don’t really want to show you off to the guys.”
“Should we get going?”
If we kept talking face to face like this, I felt I might lose my mind completely. Walking through the crowd would surely cool my head down.
“Wait!”
The arm reaching to lead her forward was pulled back hard. My legs, and my heart along with them, nearly stopped.
“Something wrong?”
“There’s… a lot of people. I don’t want to get separated.”
She gently took my free left hand, and I nearly dropped my drawstring purse. My beloved older sister — endlessly kind, endlessly dear.
“…Okay. Thanks.”
I might have already come too far to turn back. I’m probably going to end up throwing this twisted feeling at her, sooner or later. I don’t even want to imagine how she’ll react when I do. Reject me. Or choose to stay family instead.
Or perhaps—
Walking hand in hand around the festival with a classmate I barely speak to most days, both of us clearly dressed up for the occasion — Monday at school is going to be a headache. Ichiha will probably make sure the whole class hears about it. But if that means fewer people looking at Yuna with special feelings of their own, maybe that’s fine by me.
I want to reach out and touch the back so awkwardly leading me forward. I want to be closer to her than anyone else gets to be, in every way I can manage. I want, somehow, to make it clear to the world that she’s mine.
Where does a feeling this twisted end up going? Carrying a heart that felt ready to burst, I tightened my grip on the hand holding mine.