Episode 17: Wanting to Stay Beside Her Is Just Too Convenient.
Summer break’s finally over.
Same as always, it feels like it ended in the blink of an eye — that’s my honest take.
“Hey, hey, everyone, listen!”
Tachibana-san, always the chatty one, comes rushing in right before morning homeroom.
Her voice sounds a notch higher than usual.
“Ta-daa! I got a boyfriend!!”
The girls in the class immediately swarm around her.
Makina, in the seat in front of me, spins her chair around and joins the circle too.
“Wait, seriously?!”
“Since when?!”
“Where’d you meet him?!”
“Congrats, Tachibana-san!”
Makina says it looking happier than anyone else there.
I wonder if Makina will make that same face someday, gushing about someone of her own.
The thought crosses my mind for a second, and I quickly shake my head to clear it.
“Thanks, Makina!”
Questions keep flying, and Tachibana-san answers each one happily.
“So it was at my summer job, and then…”
I watch the little circle from a bit of a distance, kind of blankly.
“You should listen too, Yotsuka, it’s a happy thing.”
Ia sits down in the seat next to me.
“I am listening.”
“Your face doesn’t look interested.”
“That’s not true. Extremely interested, actually.”
But honestly, inside, I’m not exactly thrilled about it.
It is a happy thing.
I genuinely think that.
Seeing Tachibana-san this happy feels nice.
But.
“Man, jealous. Having a boyfriend.”
Someone says that.
Everyone laughs, and the topic picks up steam.
“Oh, hey, hey, Makina, what about you? Boyfriend-wise?”
I couldn’t tell who asked, but the voice reached me anyway.
Makina tilts her head slightly, like she’s thinking it over.
“Me? Hmm, not particularly, no one right now.”
Light. Easy.
Like the question itself doesn’t carry much weight at all.
“Ehh, what a waste! You’d definitely be popular, Makina!”
“You think so? But honestly, I’m not really looking for one right now either.”
For some reason, that gave a small, sharp twinge somewhere deep in my chest.
Not really looking for one.
There’s nothing wrong with thinking that.
If anything, that should be a line I’m allowed to feel relieved about.
But, why.
Right now, not particularly — means what, exactly.
Maybe someday, she will.
And, more fundamentally — maybe the idea of a “girlfriend” isn’t even on her radar at all.
…I drop my eyes to my notebook for the next class.
Just two loopy circles I’d drawn back before summer break, still sitting there.
◇◆◇◆◇
“Alright, I’ll pass out the career survey forms now~”
Last period of the afternoon.
Our homeroom teacher starts handing out a stack of papers.
“Summer break’s over, second year’s in the back half now. Time to start thinking seriously about your path forward.”
I stare blankly at the paper I’ve been handed.
Fields for university-track hopes, employment hopes… several boxes lined up.
“Yotsuka, what are you gonna write?”
Ia asks quietly.
“…Nothing yet.”
“Same here. Well, guess we can take our time figuring it out?”
Yeah.
Take our time. That’s fine.
Then, in the seat in front of me, I notice Makina’s pen moving smoothly across her own paper.
“Makina, you’re already writing something?”
I ask, and Makina turns around and smiles.
“Still tentative, but… I’m thinking about, like, a nutrition-related university program.”
“Nutrition?”
“Yeah. Ever since I started working at Kisa-san’s place, I wanted to study cooking more properly… not just ramen, though. And besides, I kind of just want you to get to eat something delicious every single day, don’t I, Yotsuka?”
“Bwuh—?!”
I nearly made a strange noise at that completely unguarded, unselfconscious statement.
She’s always been the type who likes doing things for other people — but the way I get casually, automatically included in that “other people” every single time — that’s just unfair.
“What about you, Yotsuka?”
“…Still nothing at all.”
“Take your time thinking it over. I mean, mine’s still just a ‘maybe, probably’ too.”
Makina says that and turns back around to face front.
Meanwhile, my hand stays frozen, pen still in hand.
Career path.
The future.
The more I think about it, the more Makina is the only thing that comes to mind.
Next year, on our birthday, Mom and Makina’s dad are getting remarried.
Right now we’re just in the trial-cohabitation period leading up to that.
Once that’s over, Makina and I will genuinely, truly just be “sisters.”
University. A job.
No matter how much I try to think past that, I end up right back at the same place.
After we become sisters. What happens after that.
What are we going to become?
Say Makina goes off to some nutrition-focused university.
And I’ve still got nothing decided.
Hmm, freelance part-time work or something?
If I asked Kisa-san, she’d probably just let me keep working there indefinitely.
Honestly, if I could just stay by Makina’s side forever, that alone would be fine.
…Wait, isn’t that just dependency, though?
Even so — no matter what happens, staying beside her, as sisters, forever.
Being able to.
Being able to stay together forever — that makes me happy.
That much, without question, makes me happy.
But.
“Hey, Yotsuka, you haven’t written anything at all.”
Ia’s voice snaps me back.
“Oh, sorry.”
“You’ve been zoning out a lot lately, huh? Is it serious?”
“Ha… maybe.”
I look down at the still-blank survey form.
In the end, I couldn’t write anything today either.
◇◆◇◆◇
“Yotsuka, I’ve got committee stuff today.”
“Ah, right. I’ve got my shift too.”
“Oh, that’s right! Okay, see you at home!”
Makina gathers her things in a bit of a hurry and heads out of the classroom.
I walk home alone.
The evening sky’s dyed a faint shade of orange.
Tachibana-san’s happy face, getting a boyfriend.
Makina’s easy voice — “no one right now.”
The still-blank career survey form.
All of it kept spinning around in my head.
I’ve never seriously thought about what it means to become someone’s “girlfriend.”
Or rather — I couldn’t let myself think about it.
The person I love has already been right beside me, this whole time.
But next year, that person becomes my sister.
So then, what happens to my “love”?
If the person I love ever found out how I feel, what would happen to us?
There’s no one I can tell this to.
I just have to keep carrying it, alone, telling no one.
I’ve always known that.
And yet.
Today, for some reason, that thought felt unusually heavy.
The orange in the sky keeps deepening, little by little.
Looking down at my feet, lit by the western sun, there’s only one shadow stretching out on the asphalt. Mine.
The fact that there’s no one else’s shadow beside it feels strangely lonely today.
“…I wonder, what am I even doing.”
The question, with no answer, quietly dissolves into the sunset.