Episode 33: Just an Ordinary Girl Who Likes Girls

“Nana, Nana…”

I awoke, thinking I’d heard my favourite voice calling my name.
Slowly opening my eyes, I saw Mitsuki looking down at me with concern.
Behind her were cream-coloured curtains. This place… the infirmary.

Memories gradually returned.
　Right. After talking with Maki, I’d suddenly felt ill and been carried to the infirmary.

The nurse had said, “You might be worn out from exam stress,” and told me to rest a bit. I lay down on the bed as she urged me to, and next thing I knew, I’d fallen asleep.

“Nana, are you alright?”

Worried as I tried to reboot my brain to process the situation, Mitsuki squeezed my hand tightly.
　Feeling Mitsuki’s warmth made my chest suddenly feel tight, and I gently pulled my frozen fingertips away. They slipped free with surprising ease.

“…Mitsuki, why are you here?”

A sandstorm raged inside my head. Sitting up, I looked up at Mitsuki standing by the bedside. She lowered her eyebrows slightly, her expression one of relief.

“I peeked into the infirmary and no one was there, so I just came in. Yamada-san was in the classroom making a huge fuss about Nana collapsing.”

“Maki…”

I instinctively hung my head and pressed my forehead. I didn’t want her to make such a fuss…
But it couldn’t be helped, surely. Maki must have been shocked too. I never imagined I’d end up like that either.
　Remembering Maki’s palm rubbing my back desperately, I felt a chill settle in my stomach.

Had she found out? …What should I do?
The thought kept me restless. But asking Maki to confirm it was too terrifying. I never wanted to bring it up again.
Would Maki leave it alone until graduation?
Maki was a friend. A friend, but… I felt resistance at the thought of confiding this secret.

“Nana… are you alright? Still feeling unwell? Shall I walk you home today?”

“Thanks… but I’m fine. You should get back to class. People will think it’s weird otherwise.”

If rumours are already spreading that Mitsuki and I are dating, it’s bad that she’s not in the classroom now. If anyone finds out she came to see me, who knows what new rumours will start.
　This could turn half-believed, amused gossip into outright certainty. The thought alone sent a chill down my spine. I had to keep this hidden at all costs until graduation.

I’d never imagined a day would come when someone might uncover this secret I’d kept hidden from everyone, something I never wanted anyone to know. Now I was deeply unsettled, unable to think clearly. My heart was still pounding wildly.

　Noticing my unusually cold demeanour, Mitsuki reached out to touch my hand again—
I reflexively flicked her hand away.

I gasped, realising Mizuki’s eyes widened in surprise. I was startled myself. I truly didn’t understand why I’d done such a thing.

“…Mitsuki, please, go back to the classroom…”

My voice trembled.
I didn’t want to look pathetic in front of the girl I liked, but anxiety and fear threatened to crush my chest.

Having my sexual orientation exposed for amusement to an unknown crowd, mocked behind my back, would be far worse than walking naked down the corridor. I didn’t want it known. …This secret, at least.

“Nana…? What’s wrong…?”

“Mitsuki… do you know about the rumours about us?”

When I asked timidly, Mitsuki looked at me calmly and nodded.

“I know. But I don’t care.”

She doesn’t care, does she? I don’t know why Mitsuki, who never talks to anyone normally, knows this rumour, but her eyes were steady, showing no wavering.
Mitsuki is strong, isn’t she? But then, it’s Mitsuki… Somehow, I thought she’d say that.

“…I do care.”

“Why?”

Why? I couldn’t help but give a wry smile.

“You wouldn’t understand, Mitsuki… Because right now, you don’t possess anything but what’s important to you. That’s why you’re not afraid. You’re strong enough to discard everything unnecessary. You couldn’t possibly comprehend this fear of mine.”

The line between what’s important and what isn’t is clear for her, and that’s precisely why Mitsuki can be strong.
I can’t draw that line. I can’t cut ties with friends who might not even accept me, nor can I ignore the curious stares of strangers.
　I already know how girls who date each other get turned into gossip fodder and consumed.
I’m too weak to ever think it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me.

“…Could you say it if you were in my shoes, Mitsuki? Could you tell your parents, siblings, friends that you like girls? I couldn’t. I absolutely couldn’t…!”

“Maybe there are people who would understand.”

“Even if they pretend to understand, who knows what they’re really thinking inside their heads?! Everyone would just gossip behind my back anyway. Once it gets out, it’s over. Everything would be ruined. Who knows how far it would spread. I can’t trust anyone.”

“…Nana, calm down. It’ll be alright. You don’t come across that way. As long as you keep quiet in class like you always have, it won’t get out.”

“What do you mean ‘that way’…? It’s fine for you, Mitsuki, to be normal. I’m not normal.”

Even as I said it, I felt an overwhelming urge to cry.
This is just me taking it out on her. It’s not Mitsuki’s fault that I like girls. But I can’t stop. I’m scared, so terribly scared. I don’t even know what to do anymore. My heart is completely out of control.

　I am different from the other girls, that much is certain.

Feeling affection for someone shouldn’t be wrong. That’s what we’re taught at school, too. But the world doesn’t follow the textbook. You can’t control what others think, so there will always be people who can’t accept you.
It’s nobody’s fault, yet I want to blame someone. Why is that?

After a long silence, Mitsuki opened her lips.

“…Do I seem normal to you, Nana? To me, you seem far, far more normal. You were raised in a loving family, cherished, with a pure and honest heart. You’re just a normal girl who happens to like girls.”

In the deathly quiet infirmary, Mitsuki’s gentle words fell like scattered raindrops.
　I clenched the white sheets tightly. I couldn’t bear to look at Mitsuki’s face.
My hands trembled, my vision blurring gradually.

Feeling utterly pathetic for being so frightened, I bit my lip and shook my head slightly from side to side.

No. If I stayed with Mitsuki any longer, I’d end up blurting out even more unnecessary things.

“I’m sorry… Mitsuki… I need to clear my head. I’ll contact you once I’ve calmed down. Please go back to the classroom for now…”

“…I see… Right… I understand. I’ll do as Nana says.”

Noticing a faint tremor in Mitsuki’s voice, I lifted my face. She looked as if she might cry at any moment, so I lowered my gaze, averting my eyes from her.

Hey, Mitsuki, is it true you’re still seeing Yamato?
There were mountains of things I wanted to ask, things I wanted to say.
But right now, I can’t muster the courage to ask Mitsuki. I’m scared to know the answer.
If she tells me it’s true right here, everything will truly be over. My heart feels like it might shatter into pieces.

　No, I mustn’t let my imagination run wild with the worst-case scenarios. It’s not even certain yet that she really is still seeing Yamato. There are too many issues, and I’m getting completely confused.

I need to cool my head, at any rate. Talking can wait until afterwards. If I continued like this, I feared I’d end up projecting my own anxieties onto Mitsuki and hurting her.

“Nana… don’t push yourself too hard, okay? I’ll wait for your message.”

Leaving those words behind, Mitsuki drew the cream-coloured curtains and left the infirmary.

The door clicked shut. Simultaneously, all the strength drained from my body.

What am I doing? Making the girl I like look like that… Tears streamed down my face, unstoppable.

　I hated myself for being so childish. I wished I could just abandon everything and everyone except Mitsuki.

Graduation was coming soon. I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone anyway. I just wouldn’t have to see them again. I knew that, but thinking about the knife-like stares of curiosity that would surely be directed at me until graduation made me tremble so much I felt I couldn’t even walk down the corridor.

＊＊＊

　The next day, I ended up barely sleeping at all, but went to school on sheer willpower alone. If I stopped going now, I’d be admitting defeat. Until attendance became voluntary, I had to get myself to school, even if I had to crawl.
Even as I passed through the school gates and walked down the corridors, I found myself unpleasantly aware of everyone’s gaze, even though no one was actually whispering about me.
Overly self-conscious. I knew it, but a nasty sweat ran down my back.

　My biggest worry was Maki. How would she react? My stomach churned as I steeled myself and opened the classroom door. Our eyes locked with such force it felt like a snap.

“Nana! Are you alright? You’re okay coming to school?”

She called my name in a huge voice, drawing the entire classroom’s attention. I forced a wry smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry about yesterday.”

“Nah, it’s fine, but I was worried. Nana, you’re working yourself too hard, aren’t you? You really should take proper breaks.”

“Don’t just say that because you’ve already got your path sorted. Like I’ve got time for breaks!”

“Ahaha! Fair point. Well, keep at it, exam candidate. You’ll be fine, Nana. I’m rooting for you.”

Maki gave my back a sharp slap before turning her usual smile towards me.
It seemed Maki had decided not to bring up that topic again.

I was relieved, but noticing how Maki – who would normally be all over me – was keeping an unnatural distance made a tiny twinge of pain prick deep in my chest.