Episode 111: Immersed in Studying (2)

‘I always get this type of question wrong — is there a way to stop making mistakes on it?’
‘Let me see. Hmm, why not try changing the order in which you work through it? You might be getting confused because you’re trying to solve it without having a clear idea of where you’re heading. In the case of this problem…’
“I see, I see.”

Takizawa’s explanations are easy to understand and sink in straight away. And she looks like she’s really enjoying herself when she’s teaching me.

I really do think she’d make a great teacher. As I was watching Takizawa, she glanced over at me with a slightly annoyed look on her face.

“You haven’t been listening since halfway through, have you?”

Takizawa notices even the slightest change in me straight away. There’s no point trying to lie in front of her — she sees through it immediately.

‘Yeah. I wasn’t listening.’
‘I’m not teaching you any more, then?’
‘Sorry, I’ll concentrate.’

Time flies when I’m studying with Takizawa. One day wasn’t nearly enough, so I think it was the right decision to make it two days.

And above all, I was delighted to be able to spend Christmas with Takizawa. We’ve done nothing but study, but I suppose that’s just how we are, so it’s fine.

Next year, I’d like us to go and see the Christmas lights together. This year, with the exams, it doesn’t look like we’ll have the time for that.

“Wait a moment.”
“Okay.”

I fetched a bag from my room.
When I handed it to Takizawa, she furrowed her brow as she looked at it.

“This is a Christmas present for you, Takizawa.”
“I haven’t got anything ready today.”

We’d agreed that on the 26th, Mai, Takizawa and I would exchange Christmas presents.

So, Takizawa didn’t need to have prepared anything. I’d got this separately because I wanted to give it to her.

“Last year, I got a Christmas present from you, but I didn’t do anything in return. It’s a bit late, but this is my thank-you gift, so please accept it?”

　Last year, even though I had a cold, Takizawa came to see me on Christmas Day. I was happy just for that, but she even gave me a Christmas present as well.

I’ve wanted to thank her for that ever since. It’s taken a whole year, but I’m glad I’ve finally been able to properly thank her for that day.
And it really hits home that a whole year has passed since I fell in love with her. Having spent a whole year with her, when I ask myself if anything has changed in our relationship since then, I slump my shoulders at the realisation that nothing has changed at all.

‘…Can I open it?’
‘Of course.’
‘Is this a different colour version of the scarf I gave you last year?’
‘Yes, a matching scarf for the two of us.’

I know it’s a selfish present.
I just wanted something matching with Takizawa.

‘Don’t just decide to have matching things on your own.’

Even as she said that, Takizawa didn’t throw the present away.

‘Let’s go out together tomorrow wearing them.’
‘You’ve got studying to do tomorrow, don’t you?’
‘T-that’s harsh. Well then, shall we go for a short walk outside now to clear our heads?’

　I suggested we go for a walk outside wearing matching items with Takizawa, but she didn’t look at me at all; she just kept staring at the scarf.

‘You really are an idiot, Endo-san.’

　Takizawa’s words were cold, but seeing her expression, I felt glad I’d chosen this present.

　I couldn’t take my eyes off Takizawa, who was smiling slightly.

　I snatched the scarf from her hand and wrapped it softly around her neck, just as Takizawa had done for me a moment ago. The blue scarf, which suited her so well, sat neatly around Takizawa’s neck. I pulled her towards me, scarf and all.

　How many more times must I press my lips against hers before my feelings are conveyed? If my feelings can be conveyed through those soft, warm lips, then I’ll do it as many times as it takes.

She pulled away sharply, and the girl’s face before me clearly clouded over.

‘Why did you just go and do that?’
‘Because I wanted to.’
‘I don’t get it…’

I felt my cheeks flush as I uttered words that even I found embarrassing.

‘We’re going outside, aren’t we?’
‘Yeah…’

Takizawa took my arm and led me outside.

It had grown dark, with only a few people about. The town centre was surely teeming with people enjoying the Christmas lights and festivities.

　Beside me was a girl burying her face in the scarf I’d given her. It made me happy, so I buried my own face in my scarf.

‘Takizawa, shall we hold hands?’
‘Why?’
‘It’s fine, isn’t it?’
‘No.’

Even though she said no, I forcefully took Takizawa’s slightly cold hand and tucked it into my pocket.

‘It’s warm, isn’t it?’
“――Yeah.”

Surprised by her reply, I looked over at her to find a girl with a red face, half-hidden by her scarf.
Sometimes she’s not straightforward, sometimes she is, I can’t quite figure her out.

After that, we walked a little way near my house, but we kept walking in silence.

Walking along the dark night-time street after club activities, seeing lights on in every single-family home lining the street used to make me feel a bit down.

　Yet, even walking down this very same street now, I didn’t feel that way.

It must be because Takizawa is here beside me.

When I get home tonight, she’ll be there beside me too. My heart warms at that thought even faster than my body does.

“Endo-san, thank you for the scarf. It’s warm.”
“You’re welcome—”

We headed straight home.

‘Shall we get ready for bed?’
‘I’m going to study a bit more before I go to sleep.’
‘Spartan Takizawa.’
‘What are you saying. I’m going to keep studying until Endo-san’s anxiety is gone. It’s a day off tomorrow anyway — we could pull an all-nighter if it comes to that.’

She’s strict, but there’s a kindness behind those words that makes my chest ache.

We decided to have a bath and then resume our studies. Takizawa smells lovely of shampoo after getting out of the bath.

　Takizawa probably brings her own shampoo from home whenever she stays over.

‘You’re welcome to use my shampoo when you stay over, you know?’
‘I’d feel bad about that, so I’ll bring my own.’
‘You really don’t need to be so polite.’
‘Never mind that, let’s get back to studying.’

　With that, Takizawa started studying again.

　We’d have a maths quiz to take a breather, but I didn’t feel like I stood a chance of winning.

　Once it passed midnight, we both started to lose concentration, so we decided to go to sleep.

‘Takizawa, I’m turning the lights off, OK?’
‘Why are we sleeping together. Get me a futon.’

It’s too late for that now.
We’ve slept together so many times, yet she’s still insisting on sleeping separately.

‘Shall we sleep together?’

I grabbed Takizawa’s hand and tried to ask her nicely.

“Why?”
“I feel calm when you’re near me.”
“I don’t get it.”

she sighed, “Haa…”, and climbed into my bed before I did.
I hurried to get in beside her.

Takizawa was lying with her back to me, so I snuggled up close, wrapping my arms around her from behind.

“I didn’t say you could cuddle up to me.”
“I’m cold…”

　I wasn’t actually cold. If anything, my whole body was burning up, and being so close to Takizawa was making even my face flush.

I lied because I thought if I said I was cold, she’d surely let me. It might be underhand, but right now, I needed the lie to stay by her side.

　Takizawa turned her back, which had been facing me, towards the wall.

Perhaps because I said I was cold, she pulled me into a tight embrace. Whether it was unconscious or intentional I couldn’t tell — but the gentleness of it squeezed at my chest.

“Endo-san, preparing dinner must have been a lot of work, wasn’t it?”

I didn’t know what she was thinking, but Takizawa placed her hand on my face and gently stroked my ear.

‘That tickles…’

　When I said that, she stopped moving her hands and stroked my head. Takizawa often treats me like a pet.

　I wasn’t entirely happy about it, but as long as I could be by Takizawa’s side, I didn’t mind.

“I want to make a cake for you next Christmas — I hope you’ll eat it.”

　Promises about the future are a taboo subject for Takizawa.

　Takizawa hates vague promises.

　She always dismisses them, saying she doesn’t know if such things will even happen. Every time I hear that, I’m reminded all over again of just how little she trusts in the future — or perhaps in me.

‘If you pass your exams.’
‘What?’

　I was so surprised that Takizawa didn’t deny it, which was unusual for her. So, thinking that I could make lots of promises now, I couldn’t stop talking.

‘I’d like to go and see the Christmas lights next year.’
‘I don’t want to. I hate crowds.’
‘Would you go with me if it was somewhere quiet?’

　There was no reply to that question.

　I wondered what kind of memories I would make with Takizawa next Christmas. Lost in such happy thoughts, I must have fallen asleep without realising it.

Feeling Takizawa’s warmth, I found myself wishing even in my dreams that I could be by her side like this again next year.

The next day, after enduring Takizawa’s brutally strict study session, our Christmas study group came to an end.