Episode 89: Family Meeting
‘Fancy coming round to my place for dinner tomorrow evening?’
‘Why?’
‘Just because.’
Just as I was wondering why Endo-san was fidgeting whilst studying, she suddenly piped up with that. Her expression wasn’t gloomy or listless; she just looked at me timidly as her lips moved.
‘Are you nervous about tomorrow?’
‘Not at all.’
Tomorrow is the day I’m going to speak face-to-face with my parents. It’s been years since I last did that… Of course I’m going to be nervous.
But I didn’t want Endo-san to know that. I’ve already laid bare my weaknesses and my uncool moments to her time and time again, yet for some reason, I don’t want her to see this.
Completely ignoring my feelings, Endo-san patted my head gently and smiled sweetly.
“What… don’t touch me.”
I brushed Endo-san’s hand away coldly. Normally, if someone did that to me, I’d be hurt or sad, but she was just smiling as if to say she didn’t care.
“I’ve cast a spell so you can do your best tomorrow. You’ll be fine, Takizawa.”
Does she think I’m a kindergarten kid or something, that I’d be happy just because she patted my head? Endo-san has this strange confidence in the oddest places; I just don’t get her.
“I’ll have a delicious meal ready and waiting for you tomorrow,” she said cheerfully.
I never said I was coming, so what does she intend to do if I don’t turn up? Endo-san trusts me in the strangest ways and says things like that.
To be honest, I think she’s a fool.
Yet, those foolish words warm my heart. I’m always troubled by this conflict of emotions.
It feels warm, or cold, or suffocating, or irritating at times, but all of it accumulates in my chest, shaping me into the person I am.
‘You don’t need to wait for me.’
‘I’ll wait. Whatever the outcome, I’ll be by your side, Takizawa.’
Endo-san said whatever she fancied and went back to her studies.
I clenched my eyes shut, trying to stop the warm liquid from succumbing to gravity. I’m glad Endo-san went back to studying. I don’t want her to see my face right now.
Endo-san will disappear from my life one day too. I know that. Even so, I still find myself wanting to be with her.
She promised me that even if I were to be cut off from my parents, she’d be by my side tomorrow. I don’t want to pin my hopes on those words, but for tomorrow at least, I felt it might be all right to be with Endo-san.
＊＊＊
The next morning, though I’d steeled myself for it, I dragged my body out of bed with a heavy heart. It seemed my older sister had already told our parents that she wanted to talk to them in the evening. The time until evening felt like it was dragging way longer than usual.
The sun began to set, and the light streaming through the window gradually took on a reddish hue.
I heard a knock, knock on the door.
‘Hoshizora? Can I come in?’
‘Yeah…’
As soon as Mayo-nee came in, she gave me a wry smile and rubbed my back.
‘You’ve got quite a terrible look on your face, Hoshizora.’
‘Honestly, I’m suspicious of your nerves for being able to look normal right now.’
Mayo-nee smiled this time and gave my back a few firm pats. It hurt, but it felt as though the lump in my chest and throat had eased just a little.
“Right then, shall we go?”
We took a deep breath and headed for the living room.
In the living room, Mum and Dad were sitting side by side at the table. It had been a long time since I’d seen their faces, and I sat down opposite them without being able to meet their eyes.
I was too afraid of their reaction to look up.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at them.
I couldn’t help but feel anxious, wondering why I was here, or whether they were treating me as if I weren’t even there. I was curious to see the expressions on their faces, but my fear got the better of me, and I couldn’t bring myself to look up.
‘Dad, Mum, thank you for making time for us today, even though it’s your day off. Hoshizora and I have something to tell you.’
My older sister Mayo looked at me. It was a signal to take over, and her face sent me a look of encouragement, urging me on.
My heart started making strange noises; the sound made me feel sick and my head began to spin. I desperately wanted to shake off this anxiety that wouldn’t go away no matter what I did, so I took a deep breath, not sure if I was doing it properly, and opened my mouth.
‘I’m sorry I haven’t been the kind of child who could live up to your expectations, Mum and Dad. I know I’ve been a disgrace to you as it is. But…’
As I’d expected, the words got stuck in my throat. I hadn’t realised just how much I’d been bottling up all this time. No, it had long since grown too big for me to bear, yet I’d been turning a blind eye to it.
But I had to tell them today.
I told myself that no matter how miserable or ugly it might be, I mustn’t run away today.
‘—I can’t become a doctor. I like teaching people. That’s why I want to go to the Faculty of Education at university.’
I spoke whilst looking firmly into Mum and Dad’s faces. When I did, their expressions were different from what I’d imagined. Their eyes weren’t looking at me with hatred, nor were they looking at me as if I were something they disliked.
They looked sadder than I had expected. And they didn’t say a word. Why did they look so sad? I recalled everything they had done to me, and anger welled up at the memory, but I realised that venting it here now wouldn’t help the situation, so I gritted my teeth and held it in.
My turn was over, and I passed the baton to my older sister, Mayo. She took it, patted me on the back, and continued the conversation.
‘Dad, Mum, I’m sorry. I can’t take over Dad’s practice either. My dream of becoming a doctor hasn’t changed, but I want to study more extensively in a larger institution so I can save as many people as possible. You can abandon me if you must, but please, not Hoshizora…’
Mayo’s voice was trembling, and I couldn’t hide my surprise. Even for someone who seemed to fear nothing, being abandoned by her parents must be terrifying.
Despite the fact that we had steeled ourselves to speak, our parents remained silent.
‘I fully understand that we’re being selfish, and we may be children who are of no use to you, but we’ve come here today because we want to do our very best with what we’re capable of.’
Saying this, Mayo looked straight at our parents, her expression showing that she would not waver from her resolve. Watching her like that beside me, my heart grew warmer and warmer. I was so glad to have such a wonderful person as my sister. She always shows me her cool, strong back. It made me want to become someone just as wonderful myself.
The faint ticking of the clock’s hands was the only sound echoing through the room. I had no idea how much time had passed, but my father took off his glasses and took a deep breath, mixed with a sigh. My ears began to focus on the sound of his breathing.
‘—Hoshizora, I’m sorry for everything up until now. It’s not something that can be undone with an apology, so I don’t intend to beg for your forgiveness at this late stage. As for Touko and me, we’ve been treating our own children all wrong this whole time.’
‘Dear—!’
Mum shouted, trying to stop Dad from speaking, and I flinched in fear. Dad grabbed Mum’s shoulders and tried to sit her down.
‘Touko… it’s about time we admitted it. We’ve never tried to change ourselves, nor have we tried to change things. We’ve never tried to get involved or face up to things. I think we’ve become pathetic adults… and yet, even so, Hoshizora is still here, trying to face things with us.’
My father looked at me with an expression so wretched I could hardly believe it. That makes me feel as though I’m the one at fault, so I don’t want him to look at me like that. Yet Dad continued speaking, his expression unchanged.
“It may sound like an excuse, but once I took over the family business, I had no choice but to run that practice. I abandoned everything I wanted to do, my dreams, my hopes, and poured all my energy into the family business. I came to believe that was simply the way things were, and drove myself without stopping. I kept telling Touko the same after we married, and I kept acting in ways that amounted to conditioning our children to think the same.”
My father breathed in and out, and as he did, the strength drained from his neck and shoulders all at once. He went on speaking with his head bowed.
“By the time I realized that was the wrong path, I no longer knew how to be involved with Hoshizora. I pushed all of my responsibilities onto Mayo. I took out my frustrations on Touko every day. Our family was falling apart — because of me. It’s all my fault… It cannot be forgiven. But please, let me say this…”
Father stepped down from his chair, turned to face us, and prostrated himself on the floor, his forehead pressed against the ground.
“――I’m truly sorry.”
No one could make sense of the situation, and the house fell deathly silent. I sat there frozen, unable to look away from Father or say a single word.
“Dad, please lift your head. I didn’t come here today to ask for an apology; I came to talk to you and Mum. We can’t have a proper discussion like this.”
Whilst everyone remained frozen in this situation, my older sister Mayo spoke calmly and matter-of-factly. I realised that her composed demeanour was something I could never hope to achieve, no matter how many years I spent trying. Dad lifted his head, which he had been bowing deeply, and returned to his seat.
This time, unlike his expression just moments before, he looked me straight in the eye as she spoke.
‘Hoshizora, thank you for facing us properly, even though we’re such hopeless parents. And I’m glad you’ve found what you truly want to do.’
I felt a warmth welling up in my eyes, but I held it back, gave a slight nod, and looked down. I’d always hated my parents, yet now that feeling had vanished somewhere.
No, I think those feelings had vanished long before that. Having been treated coldly by my family, people who were supposed to be so important to me, I’d decided I didn’t need anyone close to me. Because if I were betrayed, I’d surely end up resenting them. I’d end up hating them.
However, I’ve met someone who makes me believe that even if I’m betrayed or we’re separated, my feelings for them won’t change. Now, there’s someone so precious to me that I feel it doesn’t matter what they think of me, as long as I cherish them.
Since I’ve come to accept that, I no longer see my parents as people I hate; I see them as my precious family, just as I always have.
I’ve learnt that what matters isn’t how the other person feels about me, but how I feel about them.
I’m surprised at how easily those feelings, which were once so intense that I wanted to die from the suffocating pain, have vanished; I’ve truly changed as a person.
‘I’ll spare no expense in supporting you to choose the path you love.’
My father looked at me with a serious expression as he said this. his face is more lined than it used to be, and his once sharp, stern appearance has faded. Those lines seem to tell the story of all the time we spent apart, and I feel it has taken far too long for us to be able to speak like this.
I simply said, ‘Thank you.’ I didn’t think any further words were necessary. If it were Mayo-nee, she’d probably come up with something fitting to say here, but that sort of thing isn’t really my style.
‘And Mayo, you must follow the path you choose.’
‘What will you do about the practice?’
‘I think I’ll close it down when I retire.’
‘Are you sure that’s all right?’
As Mayo asked this tentatively, Dad laughed, looking somewhat flustered.
‘I feel sorry for our ancestors who passed this down through the generations, but if another family like ours were to be born, it would be better if it didn’t exist. I don’t think our forebears would wish for it to continue in such a state. Believing that, I’ve decided to close the hospital.’
‘—Are we allowed to live as we please?’
‘Since I’ve kept you tied down since you were very small, from now on I want you to do what you wish. I believe that is the only thing I can do as a father. Though, to be honest, I don’t even deserve to call myself a father…”
Father was smiling sadly.
“I want you to live freely too, Touko, without being bound by me. You must have had someone you truly loved, yet you married the man your parents chose for you. I know I’ve ruined your life enough to be saying this, but from now on, I want you to live as you please.”
Mum hadn’t spoken a word since earlier. She showed no reaction to Father’s words either.
“Mayo, Hoshizora, thank you for making time for me today.”
Father bowed his head deeply once more.
And so, our Takizawa family meeting came to an end.
With the family discussion over, I hurriedly got ready to leave the house.
“Are you off to Hina-chan’s place?”
“Yeah. Endo-san’s a bit of a silly girl, so I reckon she’ll be waiting.”
“Hehe, she’s a lovely girl. I need to go and pick up Hikari from Hina-chan’s house too. I was thinking of heading back to the university today.”
“Didn’t you say you were going back the day after tomorrow?”
“Oh, come on, are you going to miss me being here?”
Mayo-nee asked, looking unusually pleased.
“It’s just as well, as I want you to take Hikari back soon.”
I smiled slightly as I chatted with Mayo-nee and headed for the front door.
“Eh, let’s go together.”
“We’ll meet up over there anyway, so it’s fine, isn’t it?”
When I looked at Mayo-nee, she was beaming at me. I thought to myself how much she’d changed.
I suppose that’s how I look to her, too.
“Hoshizora, thank you for doing your best. It was because you were there that we could all talk as a family.”
Mayo-nee gave me a gentle hug. No matter how many years pass, my sister’s warmth never changes; it calms me and makes me realise just how much I love her.
I step away from her and put on my shoes.
“Right then, I’ll be waiting at Endo-san’s house.”
“Okay.”
As soon as I step out of the front door, I start running, passing along the usual route. The sunset has turned the sky even redder than before. Today, too, the cloudless sky was painted red.
I wonder how long it’s been since I last thought the sunset was beautiful. I, who’d always spent my time looking down, am now running with my head held high.
You never know what life has in store.
Even though it’s summer, I’ve been running at full speed, so sweat is beading on my back and I’m out of breath. Forcing my ragged breathing under control, I ring the doorbell.
The moment the door opens, the person I’ve been longing to see most appears before me.
‘Come on in—’
Before Endo-san could finish her sentence, I had already pulled her into my arms. At first, perhaps taken by surprise, her body went rigid, but gradually the tension eased and she hugged me back gently, with just as much strength as I was using.
‘Welcome home.’
‘…I’m home.’
I could smell Endo-san, hear her voice, feel the warmth of her body. Not wanting to let go of any of it, I held her even tighter.