Episode 23: Human-like

I headed to school as usual.

Even though I’d only missed one day, I wish there was a name for this feeling that made going to school a bit awkward.

Because if it were an illness, I could skip school. Then I could hole up in the library all day and focus on my own studies.

When I got to school, Mai treated me normally as always. Though I had to have one complaint about her.

“You passed my handouts on to Endo-san, didn’t you?”
“Gah… you caught me.”

Ahaha, she scratched her head and grinned from ear to ear.

It was infuriating, but if Endo-san hadn’t come to my house yesterday, I might still be holed up at home, so I was slightly grateful.

Even so, she’d gone and done things without asking, so I gave her cheek a firm tug.

　As I was messing around with Mai as usual, I heard a classmate calling her name.

“Mai-chan, Hina-san from the next class is calling you!”

Hearing that, my heart thumped and I glanced down the corridor.

“We don’t interact at school.”

That was our agreement.
Even knowing she wasn’t talking to me, I felt a flicker of panic. Endo-san in the corridor was her usual self, that fake smile plastered on her face.

What could she be talking about with Mai?

Both of them were chatting, smiling.

Seeing Endo-san’s smile like that made me angry, and sometimes I just wanted to smash it, no matter what.

Watching them stirred up unpleasant feelings, so I looked towards the window. The schoolyard should have been empty, dust swirling in the air.

　Today was the day for my study session with Endo-san.
I wanted to do something she’d dislike.
I wanted to see Endo-san make a face other than that fake smile.

I’d always thought my personality was twisted, but I felt disappointed realising just how twisted it really was.

There was no particular reason, but being in the classroom felt a bit stifling, so I skipped the next class for the first time in ages.

I felt a sense of nostalgia on the rooftop after so long.

　The place where I first started interacting with Endo-san.

Below, they were having PE.

Haa… It’s getting to me…

Why did I spot Endo-san so quickly? Seems her class is having PE.

With summer holidays just a week away and the scorching sun beating down, everyone looks sluggish during PE. Yet, amidst this, Endo-san is taking her PE lesson seriously.

My impression of Endo-san used to be quite different. I’d imagined her more of a carefree, easy-going, extroverted type.

The Endo-san I see now is just a serious student taking the lesson seriously.

As I thought this and looked at Endo-san, I felt our eyes meet. Worried she’d spot me here, I moved to a spot hidden from the schoolyard.

It’s cloudy today.
Just like my mind right now.
The future is cloudy, impossible to see.
Where am I even heading?

　As I pondered this, I heard the sound of footsteps clattering up the stairs and the roof door opening.

Startled, my body reflexively jumped up.

Endo-san approached me with an unbelievably scary expression.

“You were doing something dangerous again, weren’t you? Why do you do that?”

Her grip on my shoulder hurt. She was holding on with considerable force.

“Ah… no, I was just skiving off class.”

That was actually the truth.

　True, the day I met Endo-san here, I’d been contemplating death. But now, I’d skipped class simply because I wanted to.

“Really?”
“Yeah.”

Endo-san looked relieved.

“I’m going back to class.”

With just that, Endo-san left. Wondering what that was all about, I resolved not to skip class from the next period onwards.

　＊＊＊

One day after school, the library was closed, so we arranged to study at Endo-san’s house.

I’d been to the living room for meals before, but this was my first time entering Endo-san’s room.

I thought it was a very girly room.
Floral curtains, a wardrobe filled with clothes, a desk covered in makeup.

We sat on the floor and spread our reference books on the table.

　The barley tea Endo-san offered was chilled and soothed my parched throat.

Endo-san was drinking orange juice as usual.

She often carried a plastic bottle of it, so it must be her favourite drink. Curious about the taste, I took a sip without asking.

“Sweet…”
“If you’re going to complain, don’t drink it.”

We had little exchanges like that, but generally, we didn’t speak during study sessions unless she was explaining something.

　For me, a hellishly long summer holiday was about to begin.
I didn’t want to be at that house, but libraries weren’t open every day either, nor were they a universal solution. The cram school was a bit far, and walking there under the summer sun was gruelling.

As if reading my mind, Endo-san suggested holding study sessions at her place.

That way, I could study anytime, unbound by schedules. I was pleased, but hesitated at first about accepting.

　Even if Endo-san lives alone, is it really acceptable to be at someone’s house so much? I’ve had so little interaction with people that I don’t even understand such basic things.

The study time ended in a flash, and it was time for Endo-san to listen to what I had to say.

I pondered what to do.

Come to think of it, I wondered what Mai and her had been talking about before. But if I asked, would she start teasing me again, like, “You’re interested in me now?”

　I was the one who told her not to interact at school, yet somehow I felt inexplicably irritated.

“What should I do today?”
“Open your mouth.”
“Again?”

I’d made this request before. Back then, Endo-san had pulled an unbelievably disgusted face. Seeing that expression had stirred some strange feeling within me, making me want to see it again.

Endo-san pulled the expected disgusted face.

　Of course.
What I’m about to do is utterly despicable.

“What if I refuse?”
“You don’t have a choice.”

Whether she’d given up or not, Endo-san obediently opened her mouth slightly. I slipped my finger inside.

Having a finger in someone’s mouth isn’t exactly pleasant. Yet Endo-san glared at me with resentment. Seeing that look made me lose all restraint.

　When I pushed my finger deep into her throat, she choked and looked like she was in agony.

She glared at me even more fiercely than before. Right now, Endo-san seems quite human. A hundred times better than her usual plastered-on smile.

She must have thought I was enjoying myself,
because she called me “Takizawa the pervert”. Considering what I was doing, I don’t think that reaction was wrong.

　Endo-san was still coughing, looking uncomfortable.

I did something similar to my sister before, but she didn’t change her expression at all and complied with my request. What’s more, she kept smiling the whole time.

Endo-san is similar to my sister, but she’s different after all.

She has proper human-like qualities.

Wanting to see Endo-san’s human-like qualities might make this seem excessive, but I couldn’t think of any better way at the moment.

　If doing something unpleasant makes her leave, that would suit me just fine. Even if she doesn’t leave, I reckon this relationship will end once we finish high school anyway.

Endo-san looked sad when she was freed from her pain.

It was a face she’d never show at school. That expression poked at the darker parts of my feelings.

“Honestly, when you do things like this to me, it hurts and it leaves a mark.”
“Even if you’re hurt, you can just laugh it off like you always do, right?”
“I can only hold it together in front of friends.”

Just for now, this was a time when Endo-san wasn’t Endo-san. I felt a strange sense of superiority about that. A relationship this close to collapse would crumble sooner or later.

Our summer holidays began with us still in that state.