Episode 13: You’ve Got Quite the Attitude Now, Haven’t You?

The evening of the fifth of August, the day we’d promised to go to the Tanabata festival together.

When I went to pick her up at her house, Mizuki greeted me in a summery aqua blue dress. Just as I’d imagined, she stood out more than anyone else, even without wearing a yukata.

I particularly love her long lashes framing her eyes and her perfectly round, cat-like eyes.
　Her long, glossy black hair, which seemed to absorb all the sunlight, was simply stunning. Mizuki’s appearance hit me right in the heart.
From any angle, Mizuki was incredibly cute, but the look she gave me when she looked up at me with those slightly upturned eyes was irresistible. I couldn’t believe there was another girl in the world this adorable.
“It feels like ages since I’ve gone out feeling this light.”

“Well, you’re always carrying Tasuku, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, he’s really gotten heavy lately. My back’s killing me.”

“How much does he weigh now?”

“Over eight kilos! More than double his birth weight!”

“Eight kilos? Babies grow so fast. I’d love to see Tasuku again sometime.”

“Yeah, come visit. Maybe during the summer holidays.”

With her sleep debt cleared, Mizuki was in high spirits the whole time.
　It was truly fortunate that it hadn’t rained today.
The fireworks display was scheduled to go ahead rain or shine, unless it was absolutely pouring, but a clear sky would make them look so much prettier.
They walked side by side to the venue park.
Taking the underground would have been quicker, but it was so packed with people heading to the venue that they couldn’t be bothered. Walking took a bit longer, but it was far less stressful.
It was really lucky they both lived so close to the venue.

　We made our way through the arcade, riding the overflowing tide of people.
Looking up, Tanabata decorations scheduled to be put up tomorrow were strung along both sides of the passageway, tied in place.

Having lived in this town for seventeen years and a bit, and seeing these annual events since birth, streamers like these hold no particular novelty for me.

　Is it only once a year that Orihime and Hikoboshi can meet? Just how long have they been maintaining such a long-distance relationship?
No matter how far apart they are, it’s enviable that they can keep thinking of each other. Do they spend the whole year longing for the moment they cross the Milky Way?
But for me and Mizuki, if we were to be separated, that would surely be the end of it. Unfortunately, we can never be like Orihime and Hikoboshi.

“Come to think of it, Nana, aren’t you sad you’re not with Yamada-san?”

“Maki’s going with her boyfriend, apparently.”

“Oh, really. So… Nana, you don’t have one? A boyfriend?”

Ugh.
I forced a wry smile at that question, like an arrow piercing my heart. We’d spent a little over two months together since late May, and we’d never once talked about romance, so I thought she’d realised.

“No. And I have no intention of getting one.”

For life. I’ll never have a boyfriend.
It’s not that I dislike men, but I just can’t fall for them.
I simply can’t see them as romantic partners, so there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not about to twist my sexual orientation just to fit into society.

　The gender of the person is important to me. No matter how good their personality is, no matter how perfect their conditions, I don’t think I could ever like a man.

“Nana, you seem like the type who’d be popular.”

“It’s an all-girls’ school. There’s absolutely no chance of meeting anyone, right?”

“…Once you get to university, you’ll probably get a boyfriend straight away.”

“Really? I can’t imagine it.”

I don’t need a boyfriend. I’d rather have a girlfriend straight away, though.

Once I move to Tokyo for university, I’ll finally be able to set free the self I’ve stuffed into this closet.
In a place where no one knows me, I want to meet all sorts of girls, fall in love, and live without hiding the real me.

Yet even as I hope for that future, I remain this pitiful self, still harbouring feelings for this girl, unable even to confess.

　No matter how painful this love proves, I believe time will surely make me forget.
So for now, I want to cherish this feeling.
Even if it remains unfulfilled, that’s alright.

As we approached the venue park, the crowd grew even denser, blocking our path.
The uniquely humid summer air clung to our skin, making it slightly stifling.

“Ah, Nana, wait!”

“Mizuki, over here!”

We nearly got separated. Instinctively, I turned and grabbed Mizuki’s hand. Without a word, she squeezed mine back.

This action felt natural. Or rather, I hoped it did.

Even if my cheeks were flushed crimson, surely Mizuki wouldn’t notice in this dim light and heat.
　Her hand was slightly damp, slender and soft. I savoured this sensation, knowing we’d never hold hands again.

To say I never experienced the bittersweet romance most people go through in middle or high school because I’m homosexual… that’s just an excuse.

Surely there are plenty of homosexuals out there who’ve experienced this kind of sweet-and-sour school romance.

　It’s simply that I lack the courage to come out, and from the start, I resigned myself to thinking, “Romance with a heterosexual is impossible,” locking myself away in the closet.

That’s precisely why I look ahead with bright prospects, hoping that after graduating high school, I can paint over this bitter, painful first love with something more junk-like and bright, erasing it without a trace.

　So for now, I endure. May time pass as swiftly as possible.

Yet, I also think this:
If only this very moment, this instant, could last forever.

I know what this is called.
A contradiction. Two emotions tug at my right and left hands, mercilessly trying to tear me apart.

　Weaving through the crowd into the park, I finally found a little space.
I’d rather watch the fireworks a bit further away from the jostling throng, but what would Mizuki think?

Gently loosening my grip, my fingertips parted without a struggle.

“Mizuki, it gets crowded further in, so shall we watch the fireworks around here?”

“Yeah, I want to check out the stalls before the fireworks. What do you usually get, Nana? Candy apples or something?”

“Eh? I don’t eat candy apples. Isn’t eating a whole one a bit much? I prefer things that fill you up, like yakitori or yakisoba.”

“Eh? That’s kinda boring. Don’t you do social media? You can’t take cute photos then.”

“You’re one to talk, Mizuki. You don’t do it either.”

“You caught me. But I don’t have many friends, and there’s no one I want to see or show things to.”

　Back in Year 10 and Year 11, Mitsuki had friends, perfectly normal ones. But not in her current class. Now I understood why.
Because she slept through every break between lessons. All because she’d sacrificed sleep to look after Tasuku.

The class cliques were already set in stone, and Mitsuki still stood apart. But she herself didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

It’s painfully clear that her mind is completely elsewhere, utterly detached from school life.

Mizuki possesses a unique aura.
She’s neither gloomy nor plain. Though quiet in class, she’s quite striking. In a word, she has presence.
She’s intelligent too, and undeniably pretty to boot.

So while she might attract odd rumours, she isn’t being bullied.
　It’s just that, for the current Mitsuki, getting even a little sleep to rest her body is more important than hanging out with friends.

“…Hey, Nana. You know, I never imagined I’d make a best friend in my final year of high school.”

“Best friend?”

“Yeah, Nana, you’re my best friend.”

Her hand, which I’d thought would never touch mine again, clasped mine tightly once more, and my heartbeat quickened.

　I ought to be happy, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel it.
It felt like being told bluntly, “You’re not my type,” and it stung.
Even though I knew it from the start, why did it hurt so easily when confronted again?
Humans are strange.
Why can’t we give up on love on our own? It’s our own feelings, yet we can’t control them at all.

“…You’ve got quite the cheeky mouth on you now, haven’t you?”

I ruffled Mizuki’s fringe roughly, running my fingers through her hair. She let out a squeal and laughed innocently.

Truth be told, it’s not like that at all.
I don’t think of Mizuki as a friend in the slightest.

　I adore her. So much that thinking of her keeps me awake at night.

But… I could never say that out loud.

I should be happy. Happy to be standing beside her now.
I mustn’t be greedy. I’ve no intention of destroying everything I’ve built up until now.