Episode Nine
Even after getting home, the tangle of feelings inside me showed no sign of straightening itself out.
There was still time before dinner, at least. I exchanged a brief hello with Shiho-san as she headed off for her evening shift, shut myself in my room, and tried to face my textbooks.
I’d known it was hopeless, but I still couldn’t concentrate at all. The sensation of Ao’s hand against mine seemed to linger, and I kept finding my eyes dropping to my left hand. Maybe it’s better when the person you long for stays just out of reach.
I gave up on the studying that wasn’t going anywhere and started on dinner instead.
Standing beside Ao in the kitchen when she offered to help, sitting around the table with her and Dad — all of it had the same floating, unmoored quality. We must have talked about something cheerful, but I can only recall fragments of it.
I left the washing-up to Ao and went back to my room for another round with the textbooks.
Maybe some time passing had helped, a little. When I finally put my pen down and looked at the clock, it was nearly midnight. I stretched out fully and let myself sink back against the chair. The steady ticking of the second hand felt strangely loud.
“…What a nuisance.”
I didn’t want to go to sleep like this, but I couldn’t very well stay up all night either. I gathered my change of clothes and slipped out of my room. Light was still leaking from under Ao’s door. I’d have preferred her to be asleep, but she had tomorrow off too, so there was nothing to be done.
I couldn’t tell whether it had been Ao or Dad who’d last used the bath, but some time had passed either way. The mirror in the bathroom wasn’t fogged. I leaned in close. Taking out my contacts, the world blurred and disappeared. If only the feelings churning somewhere inside me would blur away along with it.
I let myself dissolve into the lukewarm water for a while, working the stiffness out of my body and my head.
At least I hadn’t needed to reheat the bath. When I checked my phone while drying my hair, far more time had passed than I’d expected. I’d apparently been soaking for about twice my usual length of time. I fired off a careless reply to a message from Fuuka and let the dryer toss my hair around.
Dark brown hair dyed darker still, and heavy black-framed glasses that didn’t match it at all. The mismatched look almost made me sigh at my own reflection.
Living together meant Ao would see me like this eventually — but was there any way to put it off? I didn’t want her to see me looking like this.
I checked that the kitchen light was off, pulled a bottle of water from the fridge, and made my unsteady way up the stairs. I wasn’t dizzy from the bath, but my feet felt strangely heavy.
I reached for the handle of my door — and the sound of the door next to mine opening made my heart lurch hard.
In the dim hallway, behind dark-framed glasses I didn’t usually wear, I found myself looking straight into Ao’s sleepy eyes. She looked straight back.
“Goodnight!”
I tried to bolt into my room. A hand closed around my arm.
The touch of Ao’s hand felt oddly cold.
“Wait.”
Soft voice. But there was something slightly unsteady in it.
Two or three steps and I’d be in my own room. If I shook her hand off and kept walking, that’s all it would take. And yet I couldn’t do something that simple.
“Let me see your face properly.”
Ao’s quiet voice settled into the dark hallway. I had no idea what expression she was wearing right now. Something in the noise my chest was making pulled my gaze downward and kept it there.
“S— sorry. I’m going to sleep now.”
“See you… tomorrow.”
I said it awkwardly and pushed open the door and escaped into my room — bringing Ao, who still had hold of my arm, with me.
The sound of the door closing behind us felt very loud. My throat was parched, but I couldn’t open a bottle with only one hand.
“…!”
Fingers tilted my chin up gently, and my lowered gaze was forced to rise. In the light of the ceiling lamp, a smile with a faint, unfamiliar edge to it came into focus.
“Onee-chan wears glasses.”
“W— well. Sort of.”
What did “sort of” even mean. My head wasn’t working properly.
Ao studied my face from the front, then the side, with the air of someone examining an unusual creature. I wanted to look away, but her fingers wouldn’t let me.
“O— okay, that’s enough!”
I pulled off the glasses, shook off her hand, and lowered myself unsteadily onto the bed. The face I loved blurred into soft edges and outlines.
The worst. I didn’t want her to see me like this. I wanted Ao to only ever see me at my best.
“Aww, come on. I actually love it when someone who doesn’t usually wear glasses puts them on.”
“Put them back on.”
She took the glasses from my hand and settled them gently back over my eyes. The world came back into sharp focus.
“Definitely cute.”
“…Please stop calling me cute.”
Because I won’t be able to give up. Because I’ll only fall further.
“Why not, when you are?”
I felt Ao’s voice seep into me, spreading through my whole body. Words that meant nothing to her were quietly taking me apart, piece by piece.
“I’m not cute. Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
I murmured it with my eyes fixed on the white floor. I noticed only then how hard my fingers were clenching the sheets — hard enough to tear them.
Only the ticking of the clock moved through the quiet room. Ao stayed silent, opening her mouth once or twice as though to speak, then stopping herself.
Ten seconds. One minute. One hour.
I had no idea how much time passed. I sat there breathing in small, careful breaths in a room where every sound seemed audible, until Ao finally spoke.
“Hey — Onee-chan.”
“You like me, don’t you?”
The moment I heard her voice, the same as always, the world seemed to go white at the edges.