Episode 48
I studied in a library so quiet that the sound of my own breathing felt like the loudest thing in the room.
I kept hitting problems I didn’t understand, getting stuck, unable to move forward, and a creeping anxiety about wasting time started building.
The air conditioning was running, but the heat pouring in through the windows wouldn’t let the room actually cool.
The whole building felt sticky and humid.
In this heat, my concentration kept slipping away.
If only Fujishiro were here right now…
I caught myself at the sound of my own thought and shook my head hard.
What was I even thinking.
It should have been better without Fujishiro around at all, so why was I saying something like that.
I turned back to my reference book as though scolding myself.
But there was no way I could concentrate, and I ended up staring at my phone instead.
No notifications.
Fujishiro had barely been studying with me lately.
Well, we still managed two or three times a week even now, which should be enough.
Still, having the time we used to spend together every day cut roughly in half left a strange, unsettled feeling in me.
Today too, I’d tried inviting her to study, and she’d turned me down, saying she was studying with Hinata-chan and Yudzuki instead.
I let out a small, unconscious sigh.
She was the one who’d said we should study together until exams were over…
Thinking about Fujishiro made me irritable for no reason, and I couldn’t concentrate on studying at all.
I should have just insisted, that day, on cutting ties with Fujishiro no matter what.
I deeply regretted having given in, exasperated as I was, to Fujishiro pushing her own opinion through no matter what I said.
Feeling like staying at the library any longer would just be wasting time, I was about to head outside when a message came in from Fujishiro.
Free from eight, I’ll be home. Coming?
I could have ignored it. And yet, for some reason, I replied immediately.
I’ll come. There’s stuff I don’t understand, teach me.
Okay.
After that I stayed at the library until it was time, then headed for Fujishiro’s place.
When I got there, Fujishiro greeted me as usual.
But she seemed more worn out than normal, sitting on the floor, leaning back against the bed.
I sat down beside her and opened my reference book on the desk.
Then Fujishiro leaned her whole weight against my right side.
She was putting far too much of her weight into it, heavy, and sticky with heat besides.
“What?”
“A little tired.”
“Weren’t you having fun studying with Hinata-chan and everyone?”
The words that came out toward Fujishiro were, even to my own ears, sharper than I’d meant. Somehow, whenever I talk with Fujishiro, I can’t properly control my own feelings, and it makes me hate myself a little.
“I’m just tired regardless.”
“Then it would’ve been better if I hadn’t come.”
“Seeing Morishita cheers me up, so it’s fine.”
Incomprehensible.
I never understand a thing Fujishiro says.
Coming close to me on her own terms, pulling away, coming close again.
I wished she’d spare a thought for what it’s like on the receiving end of all this.
“If you’re cheered up, then teach me.”
“Yeah, sure. Where don’t you understand?”
Fujishiro stopped leaning on me and peered into the reference book instead. Even so, she stayed just as close as before.
Feeling a faint discomfort at that, I still needed her to actually teach me, or there’d be no point in coming here, so I asked my questions.
No matter how many I threw at her, Fujishiro answered every one without the slightest hint of annoyance.
Even when my questions were vague, she always understood exactly where I was stuck and gave a precise answer back, which made studying go remarkably smoothly.
Unusually, Fujishiro herself didn’t study at all, just slumped over the desk except when answering my questions.
Once I got into a rhythm, a few hours passed in what felt like no time, and it was nearly eleven at night.
Getting late by any measure, I was about to head home when my clothes were grabbed tight.
“Morishita, you’re really going to take the civil service exam.”
“There’s nothing else I particularly want to do, and it turned out to be a better job than I expected.”
“Right. Good benefits, I think it suits you.”
“Whether it suits me or not, I don’t know, but not needing my parents’ permission to sit the exam made it feel like less of a hassle.”
The words slipped out before I could stop them, and I regretted it the moment they were out.
As expected, Fujishiro’s eyes went wide, looking at me. But almost immediately she lowered her gaze, an unconfident expression settling over her face.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“…Mm.”
“Are you taking exams somewhere you can commute from home? Or living alone somewhere?”
“I’m not planning to stay in this prefecture, so I think it’ll be living alone.”
Recently, when my mother had been in a good mood, I’d tried bringing up my path after high school.
She hadn’t shown much interest in me and had just said, “Do whatever you want. I’ll be free too.”
If this had happened a while ago, I probably would have been devastated by that response from my mother. But now, hearing it, I felt an intense relief instead.
It seemed she had someone she was getting along well with these days. Thanks to that, her mood had been remarkably good, and she was barely home, which meant the painful stretches of time had shrunk.
I might be called an unfilial daughter for it, but imagining a future where I could get away from my mother made the weight on my shoulders feel lighter.
The word freedom surfaced in my mind, and I sank a little into self-disgust at being such an awful person, and at the same time felt a small flicker of hope for a slightly brighter future.
“Then let’s move out together and live in the same place?”
“Why.”
“This would be Morishita’s first time living alone, right? I think I could be useful.”
“You’d be useful?”
Given how hopelessly incapable she is at basic living skills, what was she even saying.
I wished she’d tone down however many screws were loose in her head.
“Lately I’ve grown a lot, you know.”
“Unbelievable.”
“If you think it over and want to, I’ll help you look for a place. Is there someone you can consult about that kind of thing?”
Her words left me without a comeback.
Honestly, my head had been so full of the exam itself that I hadn’t thought about anything beyond it.
Relying on my mother was obviously impossible.
So what about the logistics of moving to another prefecture?
What about the everyday things you need to live alone?
All of it, everything, made me feel confronted with just how little I actually knew about managing my own life.
“See, you haven’t thought about any of it. I could help you.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“Why not.”
“You can’t do housework.”
“Then I’ll prove to you this time that I’m a girl who can do housework.”
“Sorry?”
“Come stay over at my place this Saturday.”
“What?”
Just when I thought she’d been seriously thinking about the future, she suddenly demanded I come stay over, and I thought, once again, that Fujishiro really is impulsive and unhinged.
“What are you even saying?”
“We’ve barely had time together lately, so it’s good timing.”
“No, don’t just decide things on your own.”
Fujishiro’s pace was throwing me off again.
I hated that, and pushed back firmly against it.
But Fujishiro just looked at me as though it didn’t bother her in the slightest.
“I’ll have a good meal ready for you.”
“Don’t need it.”
“Aw, getting shy. I’ll be waiting the whole time.”
“You don’t need to wait.”
“I’ll be waiting for Morishita, so—”
I should have made up my mind that I absolutely wasn’t going.
And yet my feelings, despite myself, were already turning forward, toward Saturday.