Episode 9: Special Treatment ―June 2033―
This year’s rainy season began earlier than usual, and by late June, days with any sunshine were few and far between.
It was one such gloomy afternoon after school, the oppressive humidity and mounting anxiety over the approaching final exams making it painfully obvious the students were under immense stress.
Ogata-san had reached a decision.
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“I’ve said goodbye.”
Summoned to the second-choice classroom by Ogata-san, I’d assumed it was more counselling and let my guard down, so I was taken aback.
Despite all her agonising, the report she delivered was so matter-of-fact it left me feeling rather deflated.
“Eh, um… Can I interpret that as you leaving the friend group?”
“Yes, that’s right. Today, when we were all eating lunch together, they made those usual snide remarks towards me and laughed in that unpleasant way again. Somehow, it just suddenly struck me: ‘Enough is enough’.”
As if nothing had happened… no, perhaps she was forcing it, but Ogata-san carried herself with such a matter-of-fact air that it was impossible to sense any such effort.
“…Um, is that… alright? I mean, you haven’t just given up and started thinking about doing something… strange…”
I couldn’t help feeling anxious. Had the thread she’d been holding onto snapped completely, making everything seem pointless and leading her to consider ending her own life… such a terrifying thought.
Ogata-san shook her head vigorously, dismissing my worry with a firm “I’m perfectly fine!” before adding,
“I haven’t given that the slightest thought, so please rest assured! It wasn’t negative feelings that made me think ‘enough is enough’… it was simply that I suddenly remembered you, Kakei-san.”
Seeing her smile so brightly after saying that unsettled me.
“Eh? Me? Er… I don’t recall saying anything to encourage you to push yourself, though…”
No matter what she consulted with me about, I’d never been able to offer any truly helpful words of encouragement.
“It wasn’t words. More like Kakei-sensei’s stance… or her way of being. Sorry, I can’t explain it well. I really need to study Japanese more.”
Ogata-san scratched her cheek awkwardly before continuing.
“I vaguely disliked the idea of being alone in the classroom… but that isn’t a reason for me to force myself. If I can properly hold onto ‘myself’ and carry myself with confidence like you do, Kakei-san, then even being alone could lead to fulfilling days. And besides… I think being my natural self is more likely to help me make friends who click with me.”
Ogata-san’s expression shone with the most vibrant radiance I’d ever seen on her.
I was genuinely delighted by her effort to weave together the words within her and share them with me.
“I see… I’m glad your worries seem to have been resolved, Ogata-san.”
“Yes. Hehe, Kakei-sensei, you’re a bit cold right to the end, aren’t you?”
“Eh? Cold? I didn’t mean to be… but if I gave that impression, I’m sorry.”
“No, I was joking. Perhaps it’s because the weight has lifted from my shoulders? I’ve grown enough now to recognise your kindness, Sensei.”
…Children really are fascinating creatures. Though only about a month has passed in terms of time, Ogata-san’s expression is already completely different.
I felt I had experienced, just a little, the appeal of the teaching profession that Hisako-sensei had spoken of.
Ogata-san stood up and bowed.
“Thank you. May I take you, Kakei-sensei, as my goal? I want to be like you!”
“…It’s the first time I’ve ever been told something like that. I’m honoured.”
I couldn’t believe I’d done anything for her, but knowing a student felt that way made my heart flutter pleasantly.
“Well then, Kakei-san. Excuse me.”
After seeing Ogata-san leave the classroom with a polite bow, I took a deep breath.
My heart was still racing. These words spoken to me for the first time since becoming a teacher seemed to please me far more than I’d imagined.
I’d been feeling rather worn out lately, but these words gave me the strength to keep going.
Just as I stood up, feeling a little more energised, ready to head home,
“You’re quite popular, aren’t you? That’s great. You’re starting to become like the admired Hisako-san, aren’t you?”
I turned my gaze towards the voice and saw Uehara-san standing by the classroom doorway.
She had entered the classroom without a word and, even to my rather thick skin, she looked decidedly displeased.
“You seem rather prickly. If it makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn’t have eavesdropped in the first place.”
I probably responded more coldly than usual myself. It felt like someone had poured cold water on my excitement at witnessing the growth of a single student, Ogata-san, up close.
“Sorry for eavesdropping on you and that girl. It was my fault.”
Being able to apologise immediately when she felt she was at fault was one of Uehara-san’s strengths. She slowly approached me.
“You treat me the same as the other students, right? That’s right. Because you’re the ‘teacher’. You can’t show favouritism, after all.”
I couldn’t grasp the intent behind Uehara-san’s words. She sounded dissatisfied, but what was wrong with treating students equally?
Even without being voiced, my inner question must have reached Uehara-san. She stared intently at me.
“But I think of you more specially than anyone else, Sensei. That’s why I wanted you to think I was special to you too. But… hearing you two just now, I realised. To you, I’m just one of many students, aren’t I?”
“…That’s correct. As long as I am a teacher, I cannot give special treatment to any particular student.”
Right. Of course. I’d only stated the obvious, yet Uehara-san’s expression darkened instantly.
“…What exactly am I to you, Sensei?”
“I believe the answer is obvious. You are a valuable student.”
I thought she’d anticipated this response, yet Uehara-san’s face twisted in such obvious pain that my own chest tightened with a sharp ache.
“You don’t even teach my class, and these study sessions aren’t just for me now – you’re with lots of other students. As for contact as a student, unless I make a real effort myself, there’s absolutely none!”
Uehara-san drew closer and closer to me, making me instinctively flinch.
“Do you know? I’m already in my third year! The thought of becoming just another memory for you, as one of your graduates, without ever becoming someone special to you… it feels like my heart might burst…”
I believed I understood her feelings perfectly well.
I thought the same thing when I was a high school student in love with Hisako-sensei.
Though I differed from Uehara-san in that I chose to conceal my feelings completely, I know that pain, that impatience, that resignation. Yet I can’t offer her the words she craves now, nor touch her body to fill her heart. I can do nothing for her.
Because I am her teacher.
That has been my consistent stance ever since the day she confessed her feelings to me.
Even so, Uehara-san never faltered. She remained positive, persistently expressing her affection to me time and time again. Consequently, I unconsciously grew accustomed to her confessions, and simultaneously convinced myself she must be mentally strong.
What a foolish person I am.
How could it not be painful to have one’s feelings rejected?