Episode 9

‘I had a childhood friend.’

‘We were together from primary school right through to high school; I was always right next to her.’

I’m terribly thirsty, and my body is trembling slightly. I wrap my arms around my knees to hide the tremors as I continue.

‘We were really close, and I thought we’d probably be together until we died.’

‘I don’t remember when it started, but before I knew it, I’d fallen for her.’

Seriha probably doesn’t want to hear this sort of story either. But I wanted to tell her.

‘So, when we were in high school, I thought she felt the same way, so I confessed my feelings.’

She stares at me with a lonely look in her eyes. I just want her to bear with me a little longer.

‘And the result? She said yes straight away. My close childhood friend and I became a lovey-dovey couple.’

I took a breath and picked up the plastic bottle. My fingers wouldn’t obey me; I couldn’t get the cap off. No matter how hard I tried, the tightly sealed cap wouldn’t budge an inch.

‘Senpai… It’s all right. Let’s stop here.’

‘If you feel like talking about it again, just tell me…’

　I don’t want to hear Seriha’s voice like this. I don’t want to see her looking like that.

“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But I think this is the only chance I’ll get.”

Just as I thought she’d suddenly stood up, she returned with the mug in her hand. She poured water into it for me and gently handed it over.

“…Thank you.”

It’s alright. I’m not alone anymore.

“I’ll continue the story.”

I took a small, deep breath and opened my mouth again.

“Hiito-chan, whose dream had come true, soared and soared — every single day was more fun than she could stand. Even boring school became something I could work hard at, just for her sake.”

“But those dreamlike days didn’t last long.”

‘I’ve fallen for someone else.’

‘I do like you, Hiito, but I suppose we were just childhood friends after all. You should find someone you really like too.’

“With those words, the two of us went our separate ways. The end.”

Had I actually spoken? From partway through, I wasn’t even sure if I’d managed to form the words properly.

“That’s all there is to it. Just that, but ever since that day, I haven’t been able to look forward.”

The tears wouldn’t come naturally. If it had been a little while ago, just remembering that day - my feelings would have been stripped completely bare.

“Ever since then, I’ve felt as though something had been scooped right out of me, and I’ve been living with that emptiness.”

“My friends called me a zombie girl who wasn’t really ‘living’.”

I laughed self-deprecatingly.

“Because of this, I’ve been running away from everything. What happens from here on is just as I told you the other day.”

“Thank you for listening. It must have seemed rather confusing all of a sudden. I’m sorry.”

“But I feel so much better now.”

The story of my vulnerable self, one I hadn’t even told Tsumugi. I hadn’t intended to talk about it, nor did I want to. But now, I’m glad I did.

“Are you still struggling, Senpai?”

Lowering her voice, she asked me. I didn’t want to hear it, but I had to. Her wavering gaze fixed on me.

“I can’t exactly say I’m completely fine.”

To my own surprise, my voice came out surprisingly clear — clean, even. Once the words had started flowing, they wouldn’t stop.

“But I think I’m looking firmly ahead now. Do you know why?”

I asked, peering into her face. I hardly ever close the distance between us, so she blushed and looked away.

“I-is it because I’m here… or something…?”

“Correct.”

Her cherry-blossom-pink lips. I’d wondered what they’d feel like to touch, but they were softer and warmer than I’d imagined.

I’m glad I saved my first kiss for her. I wanted to experience all sorts of ‘firsts’ with her.

“You’re absolutely beaming. By the way, since it’s our first time…”

She picked up the mug, laughing to hide her embarrassment. Her trembling hands couldn’t bring it to her lips properly, and the spilled water trickled down her neck, dampening her skin.

“S-senpai… hi-it… senpai…”

Her eyes were wide open, and her lips trembled as she searched for words. It seemed I’d managed to get a little bit of payback on her, the girl who’s always teasing me.

“I’m so happy… To be with you, senpai, and to see you smiling… I’m truly happy.”

Tears welled up as she laughed. As if to hide them, she smiled once more.

“I love you.”

　I want her to keep smiling. Because her smile is what makes her the cutest.

“…I know.”

Dawn was breaking. The sky, viewed through the lace curtains, was tinged with red.

“Senpai.”

“Do it one more time.”

“No.”

“That was my thanks to Seriha… and a reward. Thanks for listening to me without saying a word, and a reward for all the ways you’ve helped me.”

“Once I’ve sorted things out properly and made them clear… I’ll let you do it as many times as you like.”

I’ll never forget the look in her eyes as they widened. I wish I’d captured it on camera.

“It’s a promise!”

I really must get some sleep. I’ve talked far too much.

I can’t see my own colour, though. At the very least, I suppose I’m no longer anything so bleak as “colourless and transparent.” It seems I’ve gone and changed quite a lot too, just as she did.