Episode 25: With the One You Truly Love

“I’m home!”

“Welcome back, Nana.”

The moment I got home, I flung my bag onto the sofa and headed straight for Mum, who was preparing dinner in the kitchen.

“Mum, is there anything I can help with? Shall I wash the dishes?”

　Rolling my sweater sleeves up to my elbows, I grabbed the hand soap and washed my hands. Then, Mum peered at my face with a puzzled expression.

“Nana, what’s this sudden change? Have you done something wrong?”

“Eh? Why?”

“You’ve never offered to help out like this before, have you? It’s like you’re trying to butter me up.”

Caught out by that piercing stare, I stammered, speechless.
　Blimey, my plan to curry favour before asking a favour backfired.

Well, if she’s onto me, there’s no point helping now. I resignedly dried my hands with a towel and turned back to Mum.

“Mum? Listen, about this weekend… On Christmas Day, could I have a friend stay over?”

“Christmas?”

“Yeah… You know, I’m applying to university in Tokyo, right? Since it’s my last year of high school, I want to make memories with my best friend…”

“Your friend… Maki-chan?”

“No, not her. …Mitsuki. Kase Mitsuki. You know, the one I stayed over at recently? Mum packed me that Baumkuchen to take.”

“Kase-san… Ah! Come to think of it, Kase-san’s mother rang the other day.”

“Eh? A call?”

“Yes. Since Nana hadn’t given her any contact details despite us being indebted to her, I slipped our number into the gift she brought over. Then she rang, saying ‘My children are always such a bother to you’.”

Children.
My heart skipped a beat. Why did Mum’s gaze suddenly seem a little sharper, a little harsher? Was I imagining things?

“Kase-san’s mother looks incredibly young, doesn’t she?”

“Ah, yes, she does. I don’t know her exact age, but she was a beautiful mother.”

This is a lie. I’ve never met Mitsuki’s mother and I know her age.
Mitsuki’s mother must have had her when she was sixteen, so she’d be thirty-four this year.
My own mother is forty-six now, so there’s a full generation gap between them. It’s only natural to notice her youth just from her voice.

“I hear she has a younger child too?”

“Ah… yes, that’s right. A little brother.”

I felt awkward and looked away.
The Asami household values independence in their parenting approach. That’s why my parents have never once interfered in my friendships.

Still, I wondered if Mum disapproved of the Kase household’s current situation.

　I don’t know exactly what she’d heard from Mitsuki’s mother, but my mum definitely wouldn’t approve of a high schooler like Mitsuki looking after a baby all night long on her own.

Up until now, I’d never asked about what Mitsuki’s mother did for a living, how Tasuku came to be born, or anything about his father.

　When I visit Mitsuki’s house — what if my mum says something about two high school students looking after little Tasuku? How would I explain it? What if she tells me I can’t go to Mitsuki’s house anymore?

Unpleasant thoughts swirl around. I haven’t done anything wrong. But even I can see that Mitsuki’s current situation deviates from what’s considered normal.

　It would be too late if something happened. Irreparable. …I know that.

Clenching my fists tightly, I waited for Mum to speak.

“Nana.”

“…What?”

“If your friends are coming, we’ll need to get a big Christmas cake. Mum will make lots of delicious food, so leave it to me.”

“……………….Right.”

I felt rather childish for bracing myself against the fear that Mum might voice some blatantly prejudiced, rigid opinion… and I felt a little ashamed.

Come to think of it, I’ll be eighteen and an adult soon enough. Surely Mum wouldn’t start meddling in her daughter’s friendships just as she’s about to come of age? Even if she did harbour certain thoughts privately.

Adulthood seems rather complicated. It feels like everyone wears an invisible, transparent mask.
When does one learn to skilfully switch between what one truly feels and what one presents to others?
Will I ever acquire such a mask myself?
Does turning eighteen and becoming an adult change anything?
Will I one day be able to see through what Mitsuki is thinking, or discern the lies and truths hidden behind her words?

＊＊＊

　After finishing dinner and returning to my room, I call Mitsuki.
After a few rings, her sweet, gentle voice — the one I love — says “Hello?” in my left ear.

“…Mitsuki, is now a good time?”

‘Yeah, it’s fine. What’s up?’

“I checked with Mum. She said it’s okay for you to stay over this weekend.”

‘Eh, really? Yay!’

　Her voice rose slightly, genuinely delighted.
Somehow, talking on the phone felt tingly. It felt like she was whispering right in my ear, and I gently closed my eyes.

‘I’m looking forward to going to Nana’s room!’

“Don’t get your hopes up too much. It’s just a normal room.”

‘Show me photos from when you were in middle school!’

“Eh? No way, that’s embarrassing.”

‘Eh? Why not? Come on, I want to see them!’

“Mitsuki, you’re getting too excited. The joint entrance exams are coming up soon, aren’t you being a bit too relaxed? Are you really fine not studying over Christmas?”

‘It’s fine not studying for one day. More than that, I want to know about the old Nana.’

Hearing that makes me feel like I’ll start getting my hopes up.
Being apart like this makes my feelings feel like they’re accelerating.
Night is dangerous. My head feels like it’s going to explode. Words of love threaten to spill endlessly from my lips.

“Then show me yours too, Mitsuki. Your middle school album.”

‘Hehe, alright. I’ll show you next time you come over.’

“…What kind of middle schooler were you, Mitsuki?”

Why do I want to know so much about the person I like?
Imagining a younger Mitsuki makes my heart clench.

‘Me? Hmm, just normal. A typical middle schooler. Though… hehe, I suppose I was a bit of a local celebrity because of Yamato. I was dating the toughest kid in the year.’

There it is again, Yamato.

“Hmm…”

My mood darkened, and I couldn’t suppress a dissatisfied sound. Then, Mitsuki’s laughter reached my left ear, pressed against the phone.

‘Ahaha, Nana, you really are adorable.’

“What is?”

‘Because you get so obviously sulky whenever I mention Yamato’s name. It’s cute how you’re a bit childish despite your looks. I like that.’

“…Mitsuki, have you been making fun of me lately?”

She pouted, her lips tightening. Lately, she felt like Mitsuki was always teasing her.

‘I’m not making fun of you! It’s cute when you get jealous. It makes me feel reassured, like, “Ah, she does like me after all.”’

‘What does that even mean…?’

Reassured? Is this some kind of test? Does she actually enjoy my jealousy?
Hmm, I don’t get it. She doesn’t like me romantically, yet she wants me to like her?
How selfish… Though it is cute…

‘Don’t worry about me and Yamato. We haven’t even kissed. My first time will be all yours, Nana.’

Ugh. Her sweet words made me clutch my chest. I thought my heart might stop from the fluttering.
Honestly, what is this girl thinking? I wish I could peek inside her mind…

“Mitsuki, things like that… you should only do with someone you truly like…”

I started to say that, but the words caught in my throat.

What was I about to say just now?
With the person I truly love?
Even if I wanted to be that person, I could never be the one Mitsuki truly loves?

‘With the person I truly love… what?’

“…No, never mind. It’s nothing.”

I forced the words out, and Mitsuki didn’t press me for more.

　After a little more trivial chatter, I hung up, let out a deep, deep sigh, and closed my eyes.
Perhaps it was hearing Mitsuki’s voice, but my chest still felt faintly sweet and heavy.

Spending the night alone together makes my heart race, but whatever she says, I just hope I don’t start feeling weird about Mitsuki.

　Oh dear, I wish there was some sort of pill to suppress sexual desire.
They say women reach their peak libido in their thirties, but is that really true?
If this is how it is in my teens, I dread to think what lies ahead.

Part of me wants to find some way to release this restlessness on my own, but even if I comforted myself, I feel like it would somehow defile Mitsuki, so I can’t bring myself to do it. I endure the unbearable heat by taking deep, deep breaths.

　Before sleep, I always think of Mitsuki.

Is it really alright for me to leave Mitsuki behind and go to Tokyo? Won’t I regret it?

Mitsuki has shackles on her feet. She should be able to fly freely and high, but she remains chained, unable to take flight. A poor caged bird. Mitsuki can’t go anywhere.

　Right now, my love burns too fiercely; I can’t think clearly.
Perhaps she’s just using this affection of mine. Unconsciously, even. The doubt won’t fade.

I thought simply being near the one I loved would be enough.
But my ‘love’ wasn’t such a pure feeling after all.

Humans are greedy creatures. The more you give, the more you inevitably crave something in return.

　If this love of mine isn’t returned in the form I desire, then I’ll try to fill the void in my heart with something else.

Just how much will I demand from Mitsuki?
When my foot slips off the brake holding me back, our relationship seems destined to spiral into distortion.

Does Mitsuki have the resolve for that?
To be honest… I was still a little afraid.