Episode 11: Hmm, I’ll head over there now

Ever since summer holidays began, days passed without me going to Mizuki’s house.

Mizuki, who hadn’t been getting proper sleep until now due to school during the day and looking after Tasuku at night, seemed to have finally secured some time for herself now that school was out and Tasuku was at nursery.

　Right at the start of the holidays, she sent a photo of Tasuku wearing a T-shirt with a summery watermelon illustration, along with a message saying, “I’m so happy I can sleep soundly every night again after so long.” Since then, there’s been no word.

　It was a happy thing, but this meant I couldn’t see Mizuki even if I wanted to.

The feeling that she should be left alone to sleep now she finally had free time alternated with an overwhelming urge to see her and talk to her, washing over me like waves.
While I agonised over this, my final high school summer holiday was slipping away.

　Long holidays are unbearably dull. I’ve done nothing but eat, sleep, or study. I’ve got far too much time on my hands, which only makes me dwell on unnecessary things.
As a student preparing for exams, this studious lifestyle is probably the right thing to do rather than wandering about aimlessly. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling I’m wasting my final high school summer holiday.

　Lying around on my bed, I repeatedly write and delete messages to Mitsuki, delete and write again, ultimately lacking the courage to press send. My thumb merely hovers in mid-air.

I want to go to the summer festival with Mitsuki.

　The biggest and most famous summer festival in our town, held every year at the start of August. Over ten thousand fireworks light up the sky – this town’s major summer event.
For my last high school memory, if possible, I want to watch those fireworks with Mizuki.
But I can’t find an excuse to ask her.

Up until now, I’d always gone to see Mizuki under the pretence of visiting Tasuku, so I never had a way to ask her out on her own without feeling awkward.

　Technically, I’m her friend, so I shouldn’t need a reason to ask her out. Yet, somewhere deep down, I feel guilty, and I just can’t take that step.

My feelings would betray the trust she places in me.
Because I’ve never once thought of her as just a friend.
From the moment we met until now, she’s always been my romantic interest. Nothing but that.

　Oh dear, what am I to do…

I have no intention of confessing to Mizuki for the rest of my life, but surely it wouldn’t be too much to hope for a little bit of happiness?

To this devotion of mine, please, God, Mizuki-sama, grant me a little mercy.

Even so, if Mizuki’s mother was working on the day of the summer festival, she wouldn’t be able to go out at night anyway, what with Tasuku being there…

　After mulling it over, I gave up on messaging Mizuki and flung my phone aside.

“It’s just impossible… I can’t ask her out…”

Staring blankly at the ceiling, I let out a deep, deep sigh. With nothing else to do, I slowly reached for the novel left by my pillow.

Lying on my back, I idly flicked through the pages.

　This novel had been in the new releases section of the bookshop I’d popped into the other day to buy a reference book.
My eyes had been drawn to the illustration of two girls looking uncomfortably intimate, and before I knew it, I’d picked it up.

I don’t usually read novels, but I happened to glance at the synopsis and saw it depicted a romance between two women, so I was intrigued and bought it.
Bookshops these days have self-checkouts, which is a real help as you don’t have to worry about people watching.

My heart pounding, I headed home and immediately shut myself in my room to start reading. Yet, before I’d even reached halfway through, I was disheartened and closed the cover.

　What the hell is this? They’re already mutually attracted from the start… Utterly useless as a reference.
The fact they accept a same-sex romance so naturally means it’s already possible, right?
Starting on equal footing from the get-go means it’s a guaranteed win. Bloody hell.
I seethe with envy and unreasonable fury.
What on earth was I expecting?

This isn’t what I want to know. Teach me how to start a relationship with another woman. Someone tell me how to make a heterosexual person notice me.

How can the protagonist tell the heroine “I like you” without a moment’s hesitation?
Does she never think she might be seen as creepy, or worry about her parents finding out?
The protagonist’s friends accept same-sex romance as perfectly normal, without a single snide remark.

　The relentlessly gentle world depicted felt so utterly detached from reality it made my chest tighten.
It’s not right.
It’s too different from the world I live in!

If there really is a world where so many same-sex lovers live normally, without prejudice or anything, I want to go there too…

　I know complaining about entertainment is pointless, but still. Give me my money back.

Sometimes the thought of living alone with this secret forever feels unbearably painful.

I thought that if there was a story, even a made-up one, that could comfort this heart, it might validate the emotions settling deep within my chest.
I just wanted reassurance.
That I wasn’t the only one in this world feeling such sorrow.

　But this story surely wasn’t what I’d hoped for.
It only served to deepen my emptiness.

Everything I desire is packed into this book. But I don’t need a happy story right now – one I could never possibly attain.

Enough. I’ve lost the will to read it. I’ll take it to sell. With that thought, I fling it towards my bag.
　With a rustling sound, it flew in a parabolic arc and landed with a thud right into the open bag I’d left lying there. ‘Nice shot,’ I muttered to myself.

Almost simultaneously, my phone vibrated. I fumbled for it, grabbing the phone resting on the shelf above my head.
Judging by the length of the vibration, a call? Who could it be? I lifted the phone and glanced at the screen absentmindedly.

Kase Mitsuki.

　My hand holding the phone slipped, and the corner of the phone thumped against my forehead.

“Ouch!”

The phone fell with force beside my ear and was still vibrating. I hurriedly picked it up, sat up straight, and tapped the call button.

“Hello?”

‘Ah, Nana? Sorry for calling you out of the blue.’

“It’s fine. What’s up?”

　I stroked my stinging forehead, feigning calm.

‘Well, there’s this problem I need help with…’

“A problem? Are you studying, Mizuki?”

‘Yeah, lately—I’ve been able to nap, so I’m feeling good. I’m trying to catch up.’

Her bright voice made my chest feel light and airy.
So… Mizuki really does want to go to university. She just doesn’t have the time right now.

“Right, alright. What’s the problem?”

‘Thanks. Should we video call? Oh, I could just send a photo instead.’

“Nah, I’ll come over now.”

‘Eh? Now? But… that’s… I can’t really…’

“It’s quicker to meet in person. Your place is just round the corner anyway. Wait there, I’ll be straight over.”

I want to see her. I want to see Mitsuki.

　Before she could refuse, I hastily ended the call, leapt out of bed, and flung open the wardrobe.
Clothes? Whatever. I shed my loungewear, grabbed some random jeans and a white T-shirt, threw them on in a hurry, popped on a cap, and I was ready.
My hair wasn’t curled like usual, and I wasn’t wearing any make-up, but who cares?

　Grabbing the bag I’d flung on the floor, I bolted out of the room and thundered down the stairs.

“Mum! I’m popping out!”

“Nana, what about lunch?”

“I don’t need it!”

“Be careful, now.”

“Right!”

Out of habit, I almost shoved my foot into my loafers, then pulled it back.
　No, wrong, wrong. I’m in casual clothes today.
Opening the shoe cupboard door, I hooked my index and middle fingers onto the heel of a white trainer. Hastily slipping on the trainers I’d tossed by the front door, I burst out of the house.
The stinging summer sunlight made me groan.

Truthfully, I wanted to run straight to Mizuki right now, but I hated the idea of getting drenched in sweat.
　It’d be rather embarrassing if she noticed I’d rushed over. I always want to appear composed in front of Mizuki.

Oh dear, I wish I could get my driving licence sooner.
Why must I be an early-born? If I had a car, I could dash over to Mizuki much, much faster.

Such thoughts… occupied my mind as I walked at my absolute maximum speed along the mere fifteen-minute walk.