Chapter Two: “The Snow Finds the Clod of Earth” — Part Seventeen
The early morning air had lost what warmth it had, and stepping into the hallway, the cold of the floor became something genuinely uncomfortable. Autumn was withering away. Carrying a name tied to winter, I had never much cared for the season itself.
“I’d love to show off some real cooking, but there’s nothing in the fridge.”
My husband laughed cheerfully and started toasting bread. His waking-up speed was remarkably fast. Unlike me, his mornings started with something forward-looking, and I envied it, found it almost dazzling. I quietly got on with the rest of the preparations.
I set out yoghurt for two, but the breakfast my husband put together was only for one.
“I’ll eat with our daughter once she’s up. Better than eating alone, after all.”
“Right. Well then, thank you for the food.”
Pressing my hands together, I found myself wondering, briefly, what Kai would do about breakfast.
“Bit early for the year-end rush, is work busy?”
My husband asked while watching me butter my bread.
Looking up to answer, I had the odd sensation of someone pulling my hair from behind.
“Busy, I suppose. Every day, reasonably so, lately.”
“Your reasonably sounds like it’s set pretty high.”
“Not that different from anyone else, really, it’s just been a bit of a slog…”
Not paying attention, I’d spread far more butter than I meant to. No taking it back now, so I bit into the bread as it was. The soaked-in richness of the butter sank into my teeth with a heavy give. Too much butter carried a flavour rich enough to reach straight to the brain. The taste of transgression, perhaps.
Mouth full of that taste, my gaze drifted somewhere distant. My throat and my mind felt disconnected, and my own voice reached my ears as if it had been thrown out carelessly, unclaimed.
“I’ll probably be a bit late again tonight, so have dinner without me.”
“It’s fine, it’s fine, I’ll wait.”
Truly, he didn’t need to wait. For the sake of my own peace of mind, if nothing else. But it was hard to push back against that smile.
“Sorry, leaving you with the house again.”
“Don’t worry about it. Go get ‘em.”
My husband, without a trace of suspicion, sent me off cheerfully.
Then again, I wasn’t doing anything that went against him… probably… though.
Was I going to keep leaving like this every day until it stopped hurting to do it. Whether I intended to keep this up indefinitely was something to think about later. Later kept getting heavier.
Finished eating, dressed, I went to the garage and got in the car. Starting it, listening to the navigation greet me with today’s little fact of the day, I entered a new destination. I already knew the route, but let it guide me anyway.
I pulled out. My husband, who had come to the door to see me off, got a small wave, and I left the house.
The fact that I wasn’t heading straight to work left me unsettled. Not excitement exactly, but my heart raced regardless, restless, unable to sit still with it. I decided not to think too closely about that discomfort either, not until I’d gotten used to it. That, later, this too, later. Every doubt and problem that surfaced as I drove got tossed onto the same pile marked later, I’ll think about it later, until there was nothing left for me to think about right now. Apparently one of them needed facing today. Wondering which, I turned past the ramen shop and onto the coastal road. My usual driving stayed entirely within town, so following the coastline with the morning sun was a novelty. Out on the water, the sails of early windsurfers fluttered like flags. The glare off the sea’s surface was dazzling enough that I made a mental note to bring sunglasses for the return trip.
“Wow, the sea’s gorgeous.”
Deciding that was enough, letting the beauty of the open ocean be the only thing on my mind, I drove straight through to the hotel.
And.
“…Morning.”
“Good morning.”
I knocked on the hotel room door, and Kai, in her uniform, answered immediately. I still hadn’t seen her in anything but that uniform. …Well, aside from when I’d lent her my own clothes, though that had just been a child swimming in something far too large.
“Anywhere hurting?”
“I’m fine, I’m used to it.”
Wrong answer.
“I asked if anywhere hurts.”
Not whether she could tolerate it. Something else entirely.
Kai lowered her eyes for a moment, then touched the wound on her head and let out an “ow.”
Apparently disliking how visible it was, she’d already peeled off yesterday’s tape.
“My head still hurts a bit if I touch it. My side too, a little. That’s about it.”
“I see…”
I couldn’t very well check for myself, so all I had was Kai’s own account to go on.
Watching her steadily, Kai seemed to shrink and apologised.
“Sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
Probably, in her life so far, showing weakness had only ever meant giving someone a place to strike.
Ah, enough. Why did every glimpse of Kai’s injuries stir up an anger in me like she was my own child.
“You get a little angry easily, Yuki-san.”
“Maybe so. But I’m not angry at you.”
Just pitying the life that had left her no choice but to endure like that, and furious at the adults who forced her into it.
“I’ll drive you near school this morning, but you’re walking back. Timing won’t line up.”
Should I have found her a hotel closer to school. Then again, too close carried its own risk. If Kai were spotted hanging around near the hotel, rumours and worse assumptions would only spread faster.
I wanted to keep Kai’s situation hidden if at all possible. Once it got out, there would be no way to keep my own involvement quiet either.
Kai came back with her bag and peered up at my face with something mischievous in her expression.
“Worrying that much about me, do you like me?”
“Oh sure, love you, love you tons. Let’s get going.”
I brushed past her fishing for a reaction and hurried us both out of the room. Walking side by side, I noticed the height difference between us again, as I always did. She really was small, thin enough that touching her felt like it required hesitation. And yet the presence of that yellow-green glow in her profile was breathtakingly loud. Did everyone else really go about their lives seeing those eyes and feeling nothing? Was I the only one being pulled in this hard?
“Something wrong?”
Kai looked up, apparently sensing my gaze. There was no way to admit I’d been caught staring at her eyes, so I deflected.
“Did you have breakfast?”
“There were leftovers from something I bought at the gift shop last night.”
“I see…”
The conversation wasn’t flowing. Without knowing what else to say, we got into the elevator. We genuinely had very little common ground to talk about. Outside of emergencies, there was no reason ordinary conversation between us would spark easily. Though Kai being at peace enough for the conversation to be dull was, well, a good thing in its own way.
Walking side by side also meant slowing my own pace to match her much shorter stride. When I used to walk with my daughter as a small child we’d held hands, which made matching easier. Walking shoulder to shoulder with Kai still carried a certain awkwardness.
We reached the car park, and Kai got into the passenger seat.