Episode Ninety-One: You’re Cute in Everything, Kanata, So I Can Never Decide
Much earlier than usual, Christmas Eve morning.
The alarm going off, Yui-san, slow to wake as always, needed a proper shake before she’d stir. After finishing breakfast together, she drove me back to my apartment, and I hurried through getting ready.
Not forgetting the present I planned to sneak by her pillow tonight, tucked into my bag.
Once work wraps up today, it’s finally, at long last, the Christmas date with Yui-san I’d been waiting for.
I peeked into my closet.
Honestly, I’d wanted to wear something proper, wanted Yui-san to think I looked at least a little cute today.
But dressing up too much for a day like this would surely stand out at the office, so, reluctant, I picked out the same kind of work skirt I always wear, and checked myself in the mirror.
Unable to fully let go of the disappointment, I talked myself into it. It’s a workday, can’t be helped.
And besides, I’m sure whatever I wear, Yui-san will call me “cute” regardless.
But even so, on a special day like this, I’d wanted to dress up, just a little more.
Because I always want to be, even slightly, a woman who measures up to someone as beautiful as her.
Ahh, if only today were a day off.
Yui-san was waiting for me in the car, so I couldn’t spend too much time agonizing over clothes.
In the end, dressed no differently than usual, I threw on the same brown coat from yesterday and rushed out of the house.
＊＊＊
It’s not like it would actually matter, being seen together by anyone.
President and secretary. Both women, at that. There’s really no problem, whoever might see.
That’s what I think, but — right now, in the driver’s seat of this car, it’s not me, the secretary, but the president herself, and this isn’t a company car, it’s Yui-san’s own private one.
A secretary picking up or dropping off the president isn’t strange at all — but the reverse is a different story entirely.
Generally speaking, presidents don’t drive their secretaries around. Thinking about it that way, if someone did see us, it would probably look strange no matter how you framed it.
So, reluctant, I had her stop a little ways from the office, checked carefully around for anyone watching, and got out alone.
Since it’s Christmas Eve today, our own hotels and restaurants are fully booked. Yui-san was heading straight to her rounds after this, so we’d say goodbye here for the morning.
We’d planned to meet up again after work.
“Well then, Yui-san, see you later.”
“Yeah. Be careful.”
Waving to her white sedan as it pulled away, I started walking toward the office myself too.
I don’t dislike the crisp air of a winter morning, but today really was too cold. Shoving my numb hands into my coat pockets, I let out a white breath.
*
Even if everything went smoothly from here, even if Yui-san managed to break off the engagement with Kitagami-san safely — I never had any intention, from the start, of announcing our relationship at the office.
I just need Yui-san. I don’t need it recognized by some unspecified crowd of people outside our own close circle.
I think Yui-san feels the same way.
Even so, I do wish those days when we no longer needed to sneak around like this would come soon.
Someday, I hope, we’ll reach a world where you can simply love the person you love, plainly, without a single glance from anyone else mattering at all.
A secret relationship isn’t so bad, in its own way — but my girlfriend is beautiful, kind, endlessly popular with everyone, men and women both, and that’s more than enough reason for constant worry.
Yui-san seems to skillfully hide it, careful I never notice — but I’m not entirely unaware of her reputation around the office either.
Can’t be helped, Yui-san being this popular. She’s always been like this, since college, and it’s simply who she is. And I fell in love with exactly that person.
Still… I’d rather not carry more unnecessary worry than I have to.
Understanding, logically, that I’m loved, and yet still feeling anxious anyway — a heart in love just doesn’t listen to reason. It’s a kind of sickness, in its own way.
I wish I could be more honest about it, but I’m also scared that getting too jealous might make her think I’m “a hassle.”
I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me, but I want, at least, for Yui-san to always find me cute. If possible, forever, however many years pass.
Thinking that — even on a special Christmas date, dressed like this, same as always, everything felt a little flat, unsatisfying somehow.
I really should have worn something cuter, I thought, shoulders slumping. Regretting it now was already too late.
*
Passing through the security gate, I held my ID up to the time-clock terminal.
The office was quieter than usual. The management departments were business as usual, but the sales team’s desks sat completely empty, everyone apparently out on support duty or making rounds.
Headquarters staff are busiest during the prep period, but once the actual peak season hits, the field staff end up overwhelmingly busier. Today’s probably the real peak of it all.
Once Christmas and the New Year’s season pass, this frenzy should finally settle down.
I glanced, briefly, toward the budget management desks. At what used to be my own seat now sat a young new hire, apparently transferred in this past autumn.
Maybe I’ll stop by and say hello to my old team sometime soon. Thinking that, I headed toward the empty president’s office.
Right after Christmas, a long stretch of time off is coming. I’ll finally be heading back to London after a while. Missing New Year’s together with Yui-san is lonely, but it’s important, so it can’t be helped.
I need to get as much prepared as possible so my absence doesn’t cause any trouble. Thinking that, I took off my coat and faced my PC monitor.
＊＊＊
Yui-san’s message — “here” — arrived right as I was leaving the office. Outside had gone completely dark.
Even though we’d spent the whole night together yesterday too, just knowing I’d get to see her again already had my heart racing, strangely fast.
Replying “heading over now,” I hurried toward our meeting spot. The cold wind against my cheeks didn’t bother me at all.
Reaching the station we’d agreed on, I spotted Yui-san right away and rushed over.
A black wool coat, and the blue plaid scarf. Tall, elegant — she’s instantly recognizable, even from a distance.
“Sorry for making you wait, Yui-san. Good work today.”
“No, I haven’t been waiting long at all. Good work to you too, Kanata.”
Those black eyes, looking down at me, narrowed gentle, fond. My heart felt seized, tight.
The whole town wrapped in the atmosphere of Christmas — tonight, a special night like that.
Taking my hand, gentle, drawing it into her pocket, Yui-san smiled, gentle.
“Well, let’s go.”
Nodding, “yeah,” I started walking.
Rushing toward her earlier, I’d been so focused I hadn’t noticed a thing, but a large Christmas tree now came into view at the edge of my sight.
Countless soft, amber-colored lights glittered, and, caught off guard, my eyes were drawn straight to it.
Christmas comes every year. Since coming back to Japan, I’d gotten through winter alone, and I’m sure I’ve seen illuminations like this plenty of times before.
Late as it is to wonder — was a Christmas tree always this big?
Strange. Just having the person you love beside you is enough to make it shine this brightly.
Once you’ve learned the comfort of being with someone, being alone becomes unbearable. The once-blurry outline of “loneliness” sharpens into focus, and you find yourself, clearly, recognizing that solitude for what it is.
If you never know a love that burns you to the core, I think, a person can probably keep living alone just fine.
But once you’ve learned the comfort of being with someone, suddenly, living alone becomes impossible.
It makes you stronger, but also weaker. I can’t imagine a life without Yui-san anymore.
Not that I wanted to remember him, but Kitagami-san’s face crossed my mind, unbidden.
He surely doesn’t know. That a feeling this powerful, one that sets your chest burning, actually exists in this world.
I hope, someday, he finds someone like that too. I think, then, he’d finally understand this feeling of mine.
That there are things a person simply cannot give up, no matter what.
I gripped the hand joined with mine, tight, inside her pocket. “What’s wrong?” Yui-san asked, and I just shook my head, “nothing,” side to side.
＊＊＊
Yui-san had told me to leave the date plan entirely to her, so I had no idea where she planned to take me today.
Back in college, I remember, she’d said “let’s do a classic date” and taken me to a planetarium.
I remember promising, someday, we’d go somewhere together where the stars looked beautiful.
Today’s sky, alternating between light snow and clear patches, was blanketed thick with cloud, not a single star visible.
I wonder if that promise still stands. Hoping it does, I let myself be led along by the hand.
“By the way, where are we going today?”
“You worked all day, so you must be hungry, right? I booked a hotel dinner.”
“Eh? Is the dress code okay? I came in regular clothes…”
If that’s how it was going to be, you could’ve just said so from the start. So mean. Puffing my cheeks out in annoyance, Yui-san smiled, bright, and peered into my face.
Her expression made it clear — she’d already anticipated exactly this.
“It’s fine. We’re going shopping for clothes first.”
“Eh…?”
“Come on, just follow me.”
Shopping for clothes? What does that mean?
A question mark floated over my head. Following her, still not understanding, we arrived at a shop, and the moment I saw the brand name displayed there — one I recognized well — I caught my breath, unbidden.
“Um, Yui-san? Buying clothes… here?”
“Yeah. I have an appointment booked, let’s go in.”
“Ah, wait, Yui-san…!”
Pulled forward, insistent, I was led into a store so brightly lit the white floor practically glowed, reflecting the light.
What do I do, Yui-san’s “spoiling habit” was activating, right on cue, exactly as always.
True to her word about an appointment, Yui-san gave her name to the staff, easy, and we were shown, almost immediately, into a private room in the back.
My spine snapped straight, tense. Not used to this kind of thing, I felt restless, fidgeting.
“I already had a few pieces picked out ahead of time.”
Just as she’d said, the private room already held several high-end-looking formal dresses, lined up.
I swallowed, unbidden. Items in a place like this surely don’t even carry price tags…
Yui-san, apparently not the least bit concerned about price, picked up a small black bag, easy, and smiled, happy. “This is cute, I think it’d suit you, Kanata.”
“Hey, Yui-san, are you seriously buying this here?”
Careful not to let the staff hear, I tugged her sleeve and whispered, and her black eyes blinked, blank.
“Ah, sorry. Did you not like this brand?”
“That’s not it… I mean, this brand’s expensive, isn’t it…?”
“Don’t worry about that. Think of it as a Christmas present too, and pick whatever you like.”
“B-but…”
Is Yui-san actually serious? This feels like something out of a movie. Is it really okay, being treated this well? It feels like her spoiling habit keeps accelerating, year after year.
It’s true, every dress lined up here is lovely. But being told to just pick one leaves me hesitating.
For Yui-san, the price probably doesn’t sting at all — but for someone as ordinary as me, I can’t help but fixate on it, unable to choose.
Lips pursed, Yui-san, apparently reading my feelings, laughed and stroked my head.
“Hmm, then, I’ll pick for you. That work?”
Saying that, without waiting for my answer, she happily picked up dress after dress from the lineup and held each one against my body in turn.
Watching her expression, so clearly, genuinely enjoying herself, something deep in my chest tightened, sweet.
“Hmm, what to do. You’re cute in everything, Kanata, so I can never decide.”
Just as I’d thought — Yui-san always, always gives me exactly the words I want to hear.
Cute in everything, she says. She really did say it. Something in my shoulders eased, unwound.
“…Yui-san.”
“Mm?”
“…That one from before. The black one.”
I don’t normally wear black much myself. But that dress, I thought, was lovely. Like the nighttime sea — the color of Yui-san’s own eyes.
Wheedling, murmuring it, Yui-san smiled, happy.
“This one? Got it. Then, pick out shoes too.”
Yui-san probably doesn’t care about the price at all — she just wants to make me happy.
A present should be something good, something that lasts. I understand that feeling well.
Not caring at all that the staff was watching, I pressed close against her arm, looked over the pumps, and pointed. “This one.”
“Yeah, this one’s cute too. Try it on for me. I’m sure it’ll suit you perfectly.”
That’s exactly why you picked this shop, isn’t it. Because you thought it would suit me.
That feeling made me so happy, unbearably.
Nodding, “yeah,” Yui-san smiled, happy, all over again.
*
I’d deeply regretted, this morning, picking such an ordinary outfit — but I reconsidered.
Because whatever Yui-san picks out for me is bound to be far lovelier, without question.