Episode 48: You know, when I’m feeling down, that’s exactly when I do my makeup to perfection

Whether it was from talking late into the night or crying myself out, I slept like a log last night. To be able to fall asleep after such a shock, perhaps I’m surprisingly thick-skinned.

Even after waking, it still felt like I was in a dream.

The next morning. Ritsu-san, who’d lent me her bed, gave a little chuckle the moment she saw my face. My eyelids felt heavy and strange, and I was well aware I looked absolutely dreadful, but really, there was no need to laugh.

Without a word, Ritsu-san handed me a cold towel and a hot towel, explaining that alternating between them would help reduce the swelling.

Knowing something like that made me vaguely wonder if Ritsu-san had also cried until her eyes were swollen.

　People have many faces. Ritsu-san does, I do, Yui-san does. What happened before we met, we can’t know unless they choose to tell us.

As long as we’re separate individuals, raised in different environments, perhaps it’s impossible to understand each other completely.

Sitting on the sofa, I pressed the towels to my eyelids as Ritsu-san instructed. With a face like this, I certainly couldn’t look at Yui-san’s face, I thought.

“…You can stay here as long as you need to calm down, you know?”

Ritsu-san said that, but I knew that running away wouldn’t make reality disappear. I knew that unless I faced it, we’d remain parallel lines forever.

“…Thank you. But I’m fine. I’ll go back and talk properly with Yui-san.”

With the towel pressed against my eyes, I couldn’t see what expression Ritsu-san was wearing. After a pause, she murmured only, “I see.”

Standing before the bathroom mirror, I stared intently at my own face. Just as Ritsu had said, the heaviness in my eyelids had lifted, and everything was back to normal.

I was wondering what to do, since I only carried a small pouch for touch-ups, when Ritsu beckoned me over with a few quick taps.

“Kanata-chan, lend me your face. Since we’re here, I’ll do your make-up. Sit here.”

Saying that, Ritsu smiled as she prepared her cosmetics box. Yui-san’s dressing table was crammed with cosmetics too, but Ritsu was just as fond of them. No wonder the two got on so well.

“Kanata-chan, you’re so cute, it’ll be worth the effort.”

As she slid the sponge across my cheek, Ritsu remarked.

“You’re rather skilled at this, Ritsu.”

“Well, yes. When I lived at home, I used to do it for my little sister quite often.”

It made perfect sense. So Ritsu was the elder sister. Perhaps that explained her nurturing nature.

“You know, when I’m feeling down, that’s exactly when I put on my best makeup. Seeing myself all fired up like that, I tell myself I can still go on.”

She said it with a bright smile, and I found my own cheeks relaxing too. I really like this side of Ritsu-san.

Truly strong people aren’t those who never cry. I think they’re the ones who have the strength to get back up, no matter how many times they fall. That must be what they mean by someone like Ritsu-san.

　Will I ever be able to get back up too? My heart feels like it’s at the very bottom of the sea right now.

Shaking my head at her offer to walk me home, I bowed deeply and said thank you before leaving Ritsu’s house. Looking concerned, she smiled and waved goodbye.

I walked the way to Yui’s house. My steps felt heavy.

　Looking back, I changed after meeting Yui.

Before meeting her, I’d never even considered liking women, let alone imagined having a physical relationship with someone I wasn’t dating.

I had a clear, simple rule: whether someone was a lover or not determined whether I’d give myself to them. Until then, I’d never thought to truly understand another person’s heart or feelings.

　Meeting Yui-san, I experienced love for the first time that left me breathless. I learned what it truly meant to like someone, to love someone.

Yui-san cherished me far more than any of my previous ‘boyfriends’ ever did. She treated me with genuine care. So I thought it was enough. Even without being in a relationship. Because I knew deep down that she liked me.

　At first, I couldn’t understand Yui-san’s way of thinking at all. I thought her actions – having physical relationships with numerous unspecified people she wasn’t even dating – couldn’t possibly be called love. I thought we’d never understand each other, ever.

The night we first became intimate. She touched me as if handling something fragile, with the utmost care. Her lips and fingertips, touching me, carried the greatest possible affection.

Only after making love to Yui did I realise that all the sex I’d had before wasn’t about affection, but merely about satisfying desire.

Yui was completely different. That night, I truly felt loved. I was happy. I can never forget that feeling.

　So — I won’t blame you anymore.

I said I hated you. That look of utter despair on Yui-san’s face that night is seared into my mind, refusing to fade. I must apologise for that. I felt I had to correct it.

Come to think of it, I’d never once said it. To Yui-san, that I liked her.

　On the night we went travelling. “There are some things I could never give you, no matter how much I love you,” Yui-san said.

Words I couldn’t understand then, I understand now.

Marriage. Children. Those are things Yui-san needs for her future life.

Things I couldn’t give her, but Kitakami-san could easily make happen.

“…Yui-san in a wedding dress… she’d be beautiful, wouldn’t she…”

　I wish I could have seen it. Walking along, I muttered that with my head bowed, and tears threatened to spill again, so I hurriedly looked up. It was a clear, sunny day, infuriatingly refreshing.

But I don’t want to see Yui-san beside that man.

For example — end the relationship and stay by her side as before.

Impossible, I can’t. Now that I know the warmth of those arms, I simply cannot stop myself from wanting it.

　Then — pretend not to see, and continue the relationship.

That’s impossible too, unbearable. Now that I know, I couldn’t possibly smile and see her off to those monthly dinners. Besides, since Yui-san is already engaged, I’d be the other woman. No matter how much we like each other, it would only be adultery.

And — even if that day ever came, I had no confidence I could let Yui-san go.

　So what if I asked her to break off her engagement with Kitakami-san? What would Yui do? Would she smile awkwardly? Or would she agree? I don’t know. I can’t even imagine.

But to do that, we’d have to tell her father the secret she’d always kept from him: that she’s homosexual.
Otherwise, even if she did break off her engagement with Kitakami-san, another fiancé would just appear.

Asking you to break up with him essentially amounts to forcing you to come out. If it were that simple to say, she would have done so long ago. That’s precisely why she kept it secret, I think.

And even if everything went perfectly, what if our relationship didn’t work out, after you’d gone to such lengths for my sake?

　The responsibility Yui-san speaks of — meaning, I can’t give her “marriage” or “children”, yet forcing her to make a choice that might ruin her life… is that truly right?

—Deep down, I know.

There was only ever one choice. My head understands it, but my heart is desperately trying to deny it.

There’s only one thing I should say.

　Soon, the house came into view. I paused once, took a deep breath.

I’ll surely never forget today.

Love that’s merely beautiful only exists in films.

I didn’t want to admit that this world holds the absurdity of loving someone yet being unable to be together.