Episode 107: The Whirlpool

I’ve been lying in bed, mulling things over for about three hours now.

My phone’s search history is full of things like ‘dishes anyone can make’ and ‘dishes that turn out delicious even if you’re not very handy in the kitchen’.

‘Sigh…’

I leave the house and head to the supermarket to buy what I need: carrots, onions, potatoes, pork, curry roux…

　I really don’t think this is like me at all. But I wanted to do something for Endo-san, too.

I’ve bought the ingredients, but I can’t exactly just walk into the kitchen and start cooking, so I’ve been staring at them in my room for ages.

No matter how hard I stare, this situation isn’t going to change.

I’ve lost the staring contest with the vegetables, so I’ve decided to slowly make my way downstairs. I couldn’t see anyone in the living room or the kitchen, so I plucked up the courage to carry the ingredients to the sink.

I’d watched videos on my phone countless times showing how to chop vegetables and cook them, so my mental rehearsal was spot on. But it seems mental rehearsal just isn’t enough.

I was such a clumsy person that I couldn’t even peel them, let alone chop them. The potato slipped right out of my hands and bounced around in the sink.

　I grew sick of myself for being unable to do even this, and wanted to leave everything behind and walk out.

‘What are you doing…?’

Just as I was about to leave, I heard a voice and jumped up as if I’d been startled.

I cautiously turned towards the voice to find my mother standing there with a troubled expression.

　I deeply regretted acting on my impulse to do something for Endo-san. There was no way I could cook, and I didn’t even have anywhere to practise.

I thought I was an idiot for still trying to push myself like this.

My mother picked up the potato that had rolled into the sink and stared at it with a look of utter bewilderment. Being looked at with such curiosity made me feel as though my clumsiness had been laid bare, and I felt the heat rise to my face.

‘Are you making curry?’
‘No… um…’

I didn’t know what to say and found myself at a loss for words. I wanted nothing more than to gather up everything I’d spread out in the kitchen and go back to my room right then and there.

‘Hoshizora, come here.’

I looked up in surprise to see my mother beckoning me over with a look of deep concentration on her face. I stood beside her as she told me to, and though she said very little, she began to show me how to chop the vegetables.

　I was so nervous my heart felt like it was about to leap out of my chest, but I decided to do my best because I wanted Endo-san to be happy.

‘I didn’t want you to take after me in being so clumsy…’
‘I’m sorry…’

I cut myself a few times, and each time my mother clutched her head in despair. She’d be disappointed in me again. Just as my head was filled with that anxiety, a soft, warm hand gently rested on my head.

‘It doesn’t matter how long it takes, just make sure you don’t cut yourself.’

I couldn’t see my mother’s face, but her voice was as warm and full of kindness as it used to be. After that, it took quite a while, but the curry rice was finally ready.

No matter how clumsy I was, how slow I was, or how little I could say, my mother stayed by my side right until the end.

It seems that the Takizawa family’s dinner that day was the first curry rice I’d ever made.

My father went out of his way to come to my room “The curry was delicious. Thank you,” he told me.

I didn’t know how to respond, so I ended up ignoring him, and I couldn’t even thank my mother for teaching me so much, but neither of them ever got angry or gave me a cold look after that.

It makes my heart feel all warm inside.

Endo-san has once again brought me and my family closer together.

I thought I was trying my best for her sake, yet once again, it was I who received something warm from her.

＊＊＊

　Endo-san is right in front of me.
　So much happened yesterday that I still can’t quite get my head round it all.

　Yesterday was her birthday.
　I thought that if I was going to celebrate it, I wanted to do it properly.
　I looked up the highlights of the aquarium online, practised making curry, and spent ages thinking about a present.

　I’ve been doing things I never would have imagined doing in the past, and it’s a bit of a mystery even to me.

　Why am I trying so hard…?

　Endo-san took me to the zoo on my birthday. She cooked for me. She made me a cake. She gave me a present.

　I just didn’t like the feeling of always being on the receiving end.

　When we visited the gravesite and met Endo-san’s mum and dad, she was crying so hard she couldn’t hold it in. There was a sadness on her face, one she couldn’t hide, even though she’s always smiling in front of everyone.

　I suppose, deep down, she really wanted to be with her whole family.

If her parents were still alive, would she be going through such a hard time? How could I possibly ease that sorrow for her?

I used to be so self-absorbed, when did I become the sort of person who acts for the sake of others like this…?

I’ve changed so much recently that I find myself wondering if this is really me.

It seems that the person known as Takizawa Hoshizora has been profoundly transformed by the girl standing before me.

　Just thinking back on yesterday makes my ears burn.

Endo-san tried to go beyond just a kiss for the first time. I know full well that sort of thing is what couples do. It would be a different matter if we were both just keeping things casual, but we do those things because we like each other.

There’s a part of me that didn’t mind when Endo-san touched me and the mood turned romantic.

I hate myself for that.

　Endo-san said she had someone she liked.

So, I want her to do those things with that person.

I don’t know why she touched me, but did she perhaps think I’d be content with just being a casual fling?

Thinking that, my chest began to ache.

As I hugged Endo-san tightly, I heard a faint voice.

‘…zawa… I love you…’

Is she dreaming?

　Even though I know those words weren’t meant for me, for just this moment, I’m tempted to delude myself into thinking they were.

　What if those words were meant for me…?

　My heart is racing at an impossible speed, making it hard to breathe.

　I wonder what sort of person that girl is, who appears even in Endo’s dreams. I’m sure she must be a wonderful person. Anyone who falls for such a wonderful person must surely be wonderful themselves.

　When Endo-san ends up with that person, I’ll surely have to disappear from her life.

　The mug was just a whim.

　I hoped that Endo-san would never end up with anyone else and would continue to eat meals with me. I wanted to see the mugs lined up on the table at those times.

　I might end up throwing the mug away one day.

　But this memory will never fade.

　It will stay with me forever.

　Even if Endo-san is no longer here, I want to remember her forever.

　Her face, her voice, her scent, the taste of the food she cooks, this warmth too—.

　I held her closer than before.
Just as Endo-san had done to me yesterday, I kissed her forehead, her cheek, and her ear.

‘Endo-san, please don’t go anywhere…’

Even though I know she might leave one day, the thought of that moment fills me with fear and pain. If only she would stay by my side, I wouldn’t need anything else…

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

　I heard Endo-san’s voice and jolted upright. Endo-san, just after waking up, was smiling for no apparent reason.

　And then, she silenced my lips again without asking.

　She asked me why I didn’t refuse.

　—Because it’s you, Endo-san.

　She asked me why I was the one to kiss her.

　—Because it’s you, Endo-san, I wanted to.

　She asked if I could do it with anyone.

　—It’s only because it’s you, Endo-san.

　Yesterday’s questions swirled round and round inside my head, giving me a headache.

“Takizawa, good morning.”
“You idiot, Endo-san.”
“What about ‘good morning’?”
“Good morning…”

　With that, Endo-san buried her head in my chest, looking delighted.