Episode 64: 17 Years Old (5)

‘I’ve received far too much from Endo-san today.’

To be honest, I feel a bit guilty for taking up so much of Endo’s time and receiving so many gifts from her.

I reckon she’s the sort of person who goes above and beyond. She’s celebrating my birthday, which is nothing special, to such an extent.
It makes me worry that if she were to fall for someone, she’d end up working herself to death trying to be so devoted.

　Endo-san sat down next to me and leaned back against the bed.

‘It’s more like I’m the one who always gets too much from Takizawa.’

Saying that, Endo-san rested her head on my shoulder. Normally, I’d tell her to stop and shoo her away, but her voice sounded a bit more subdued than usual, so I found myself unable to say a word.

‘I haven’t given you anything.’

‘You have.’

Endo-san is stubborn at times like this.
When she’s like that, no matter how much I deny it, she won’t back down, so I have to give up trying to deny it.

‘Takizawa might not remember, but the day you gave me that handkerchief in the park, I was on my way to see my mum and dad.’
‘Eh?’

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say a word. I feel like this is the first time I’ve heard Endo-san talk about such a sombre topic.

“It’s not like I was there because I wanted to die, mind you. But, you know, living alone really does come with a lot of pain, and that day, that pain had grown so big I couldn’t bear it all on my own.”

I couldn’t see Endo-san’s face, but I could tell from her voice that she was speaking with a look of great anguish.

I remained silent, unable even to nod; all I could do was listen to Endo-san’s story.

　Endo-san’s voice is trembling.

It’s not for that reason, but I take Endo-san’s hand. I know that doing this might not change the situation at all, but I hoped it might help her feel a little calmer.

‘It was freezing that day, and as my body temperature dropped, I thought that if I just fell asleep there, maybe I’d be able to see my mum and dad.’

She tightens her grip on my hand and takes a deep breath.

“But then Takizawa spoke to me. She spoke gently to me, even though I was a complete wreck. She was clumsy about it, but she handed me a handkerchief and comforted me. When I looked up at Takizawa, the sky behind her was full of incredibly beautiful stars. I don’t think I would have seen such a beautiful starry sky if Takizawa hadn’t spoken to me. And I thought I wanted to see that beautiful starry sky together with Mum and Dad. They were all feelings I hadn’t felt since I’d been alive, and I remembered the promise I’d made to be happy for Mum and Dad as well.”

Endo-san lifted her head, which had been resting against me, and looked straight at me.

“So - thank you.”

Saying that, Endo-san smiled gently.
Seeing that face, my chest tightened painfully.

“I was just in the park by chance that day, and I didn’t even think about helping you. So, I haven’t done anything to deserve your thanks.”

That’s the truth.
I’m not that kind of person.
It really was just a coincidence that Endo-san was in the park and I spoke to her. What’s more, I feel like I made some awful comment, like I was in the way. I haven’t done anything worthy of praise.

Ignoring my muddled emotions, Endo-san continued speaking.

‘I like that about you, Takizawa. The way you’re unconsciously kind to people, or act for someone else’s sake. I think it’s really lovely.’

Endo-san is gentler than before, but she squeezes my hand back with a firm grip. Because of that, I find myself unable to say a word.

‘That’s why I was so happy when I found Takizawa at high school. I made up all sorts of excuses just to get to know her, and finally we reached the point where we studied together. Being with Takizawa makes my heart feel all warm and cosy. It made me realise it’s okay to just be myself. You didn’t just help me back then; you’re still giving me so much now.’

Me…?

I’d never even thought I was of any use to Endo-san.
　On the contrary, I thought I’d done nothing but terrible things and that she must hate me.

“Takizawa, stay here tonight. Don’t go home.”

I can start to hear my heartbeat.
It’s my own heartbeat.
It’s pounding so loudly I’m afraid Endo-san might hear it.

“I don’t have any pyjamas.”
“You can just wear mine.”

There she goes again, being her stubborn self.
　It didn’t look like she was going to listen to me now, so I gave up and decided to stay the night.

The shower feels lovely.

At school, Endo-san always put on a face that suggested she was perfectly fine on her own. She was brimming with confidence; I thought she wasn’t afraid of anything.

But I realised she’s just a human being, too.

There are plenty of perfect people in the world, and plenty of people who are strong even when they’re alone. However, it’s impossible to live your whole life from birth to death entirely on your own.
　We interact with many people, and that is how our sense of self is shaped.

It seems I’ve managed to become one of those people for Endo-san. When I feel I’ve been able to support her even just a little, a sense of joy wells up inside me.

‘Thanks for the bath.’

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m wearing Endo-san’s lovely-smelling pyjamas or because I’ve just had a bath, but my head feels all fuzzy.

When I got out, Endo-san went to take a bath herself.

　Endo-san carries a heavy burden in her life.
Yet she lives with such integrity and grace.
It must be because, even if it was only for a short time, her parents gave her so much.

With that thought, I made my way to the family altar where Endo-san’s mother and father rest. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do, but I clasped my hands together and offered my prayers to them both.

I don’t know how long I stood there, but I could hear the sound of Endo-san walking hurriedly. She must have just got out of the bath.

‘Takizawa, were you here? I panicked because you weren’t in my room and thought you’d gone home.’

　Endo-san, her cheeks flushed perhaps from the bath, looked at me. Ignoring her, I stood up and went back to her room.

‘What were you doing?’
　I didn’t answer that question.

‘Takizawa, you always say hello when you come to my house, don’t you? Thank you.’
“I’m just doing what anyone would do.”

　Endo didn’t say anything else.
　I haven’t done anything worthy of thanks, yet Endo-san always expresses her gratitude. I don’t understand it.

　As I entered the room, Endo-san grabbed my sleeve.

“What?”
　Even when I asked, Endo-san remained silent for a while.

　……

“I want you to sleep with me……”
“What if I say no?”
“I won’t force you. But today, I want to be close to you.”

I can’t fathom what Endo-san is feeling, blushing like that as she says such a thing. However, she’s done so much for me today, so I thought I might as well grant her this one request.

I get into the futon.
It’s warm.
No, ‘hot’ is more accurate.
My heart hasn’t stopped talking to me since a moment ago. Even if I tell it to be quiet, it shows no sign of stopping.

　Today hasn’t been a good day.

I’ve made so many memories, had my birthday celebrated, and Endo-san has opened up to me.

Warm feelings are welling up inside me to the point of being overwhelming.

“You see—”
I open my mouth.
Something’s not quite right with me today.
Even my mouth won’t do as I tell it.
But perhaps, somewhere deep down, I’m thinking that if it’s Endo-san, then maybe it’s all right.

Endo looks at me.
My heart is pounding so loudly, I feel a headache coming on.

I moved my lips, as if to cover it up.

‘You see, my parents have given up on me. I don’t think this relationship will ever get any better. I’m not as brilliant as my sister, so I fully understood why they felt that way. It’s just that, somehow, I couldn’t quite give up… But when I tried to keep fighting, it became unbearably painful. I tried to run away from everything.”

My throat trembled and my breathing grew shallow.

Endo-san gazes at me with worry in her eyes, and the embarrassment of it makes me pull her into a tight embrace to hide my face, speaking on into her ear.

“The day I met you on the school rooftop, I was planning to kill myself…”

The words catch in my throat and go no further.
I wondered what expression Endo-san had on her face as she listened.
　Is she disillusioned? Exasperated? Will she no longer want to be with me?
I can’t see her face, so I have no way of knowing.
The anxiety inside me swelled until it felt as though it might burst. I was desperately trying to suppress it.

A silence hung in the air for a while, making the atmosphere feel heavy.

But I was the one who started this conversation. I had a responsibility to see it through to the end. In that heavy atmosphere, I decided to force myself to speak once more.

‘I’d tried it a few times before and given up, but that day I felt like I could do it easily… but Endo-san stopped me. At the time, I felt something like anger towards Endo-san, wondering why she was stopping me, but now I feel differently.’

I pulled away from her and looked straight at Endo-san.

‘I’m actually enjoying myself a bit now. I feel like I’m starting to understand what I want to do. I’m grateful to Endo-san for stopping me from making the wrong choice back then.’

I took a deep breath and said the one thing I most wanted to convey.

‘—Thank you.’

Having said that, I felt embarrassed and looked away from Endo-san.

　It was the first time I’d been able to talk to someone about myself.
It was the first time I’d realised what I wanted to do.
For the first time in years, my birthday had become a happy day.
Today, my emotions are all over the place.
But there’s one thing I can say for certain right now.

“I’m glad you were there back then, Endo. I’m glad I’m alive.”

Once I’d spoken everything that was weighing on me, tears began to fall from my eyes as if a dam had burst.

　I couldn’t stop them anymore.

I tried to get off the bed, not wanting Endo-san to see me like this, but she wouldn’t let me.

Just as she would gently touch a soap bubble so it wouldn’t burst, she touched my cheek and wiped away my tears.

And then, she held me gently in her arms.

　The area around Endo-san’s shoulders is soaked through with my tears. Even so, I couldn’t stop the emotions that had been building up inside me from spilling out.

I wonder how much time has passed. After quite a while, when I’d calmed down a little, Endo-san spoke to me.

‘Thank you for talking to me.’

She said that, and before I could speak, her lips covered mine.

It’s the same as always. Endo-san always does things like this without asking. Even though it’s the same as always, a heat hotter than usual spreads from her lips, and my whole body gradually warms up.

As I grow warmer, it becomes harder to breathe.

The heat from Endo-san and me mingles so much that I can’t even remember how I was breathing.

　Before I knew it, I was staring at the ceiling.

‘Endo-san…?’
‘What?’
‘I just called out to see if you’d fallen asleep.’
‘I haven’t.’
‘—Please stay friends with me even when we’re in Year 3.’
‘Eh?’
‘Never mind if you don’t want to.’
‘No, that’s not it. I was just planning to do that anyway.’
‘Fine then. You don’t need to thank me for helping you with your studies.’
‘Eh? Why?’

‘Because we’re friends… I don’t need any payment for teaching a friend.’

Up until now, it had been a relationship between a tutor and a student. Because Endo-san was so kind, I ended up opening up to her.

Who could ever have imagined that I’d end up in this kind of relationship with Endo-san, the prettiest and most popular girl in the year?

I can’t very well say we’re not friends now.

　However, Endo-san looked very serious and remained silent for a while.

Does she really not want to be friends with me?
Would she prefer a friend who’s more cheerful and lively…?

The anxiety that had been simmering inside me began to grow again.

Then, words were spoken that seemed to dispel that anxiety.

‘Well then, come round for dinner like this again, or stay over. And if it’s okay to do what we were doing earlier, I won’t say it’s to thank you for helping me with my studies.’
‘Earlier?’
‘This sort of thing.’

Her lips pressed against mine more gently than before.
Does Endo-san like kissing?

Endo-san, the kissing fiend.

I find being intimate with Endo-san feels good. I’m not quite sure why.

　I could just let myself go with this comfort, but there’s something I simply have to know.

‘But I don’t do things like that with my friends. Do you do that sort of thing with your other friends too, Endo-san?’
‘No, I don’t. It’s only you, Takizawa. Cooking for you and letting you stay over is only for you. It’s fine, isn’t it? You and I can be that sort of friends.’

Endo-san is saying something I don’t quite understand. Still, hearing that she doesn’t do that sort of thing with her other close friends, I feel a sense of relief.

‘Right then. It’s late, so I’m going to sleep.’

Saying that, I turn my back on Endo and get into position to sleep. Even though I haven’t said it’s okay, Endo presses her body against my back.

‘It’s hot.’
‘I’m cold.’

When she says that, I find myself at a loss for words.
Saying it’s hot is just an excuse to allow me to move away, yet part of me finds this body heat comforting.

I used to think birthdays were days I’d rather do without, and that I didn’t need any precious memories or presents.

But today, I found myself thinking it was good that I had it all.

The first day of my seventeenth year turned out to be the happiest birthday I’ve ever had.