Episode Eighty-Four: If You Don’t Actually Say It, I Won’t Understand
Obviously, I’ve never had sex with any woman except Yui-san. I know, of course, that for the rest of my life I’ll never offer this body to anyone but her — and that’s exactly why certain thoughts keep surfacing, unbidden.
Moments like right now, when she wants me this urgently, this intensely.
Pushed into the bathroom, my bra, barely still hanging on my arm, was stripped away, and Yui-san gripped my arm, hard, pulling me forward.
Trying to resist, I stepped back, meaning to put distance between us — but of course, that direction only led to a dead end. Nowhere left to run.
For every step I retreated, she just closed the same distance. In the end, I was pulled completely into her arms, her lips pressing gently against my neck.
“Yui-san,” I called, voice shaking. But she, apparently with zero intention of waiting any longer, backed me against the wall and, without asking permission, pulled my underwear down to my thighs in one smooth motion.
A last bit of resistance — I clung to her, pressing close so my body couldn’t be seen, digging my nails into her back — and I heard her laugh, soft, at my ear.
“Kanata, if you cling like that, I can’t get it off.”
“But…”
The orange lighting in the bathroom was dimmer than the changing room, at least, but even so, it was brighter than anything we usually had, even in bed together.
Bright enough that my body was clearly visible without even trying, and embarrassment welled up in me.
“Such cute underwear, and you’ll stretch it out this way. Is that okay?”
She said it, teasing, but she’s the one who took it off in the first place. Standing here with nothing on at all, under this much light, left me restless, unsettled.
“…No.”
“Then lift your leg. I’ll take it off properly, okay?”
Coaxing me like a stubborn child, her lips pressed against my ear the whole time she said it. Just a moment ago she’d been genuinely furious, and now, suddenly, gentle, like flipping a switch — I’m always so easily swept along by that.
Loosening the arm I’d had wrapped around her, I put a little distance between us. Why had Yui-san brought me to the bathroom, of all places? What was she planning to do, undressing me like this?
Maybe noticing how anxious I looked, Yui-san pressed a reassuring kiss to my cheek.
Her left hand traced gently along my thigh, sliding my underwear down to my feet.
First my collarbone. Then my stomach, my waist, my thigh — her lips traced the outline of my body, one place after another, and, unbidden, I squeezed my eyes shut.
Pulling the underwear off my toes, she tossed it, casual, out into the changing room.
The door separating changing room and bathroom clicked shut, and finally, there was nowhere left to run at all. Cornered completely.
Those black eyes just watched me. I know it’s a little late to be embarrassed about being seen naked. And yet I still, somehow, could never get used to that heated gaze.
“…Beautiful.”
Yui-san always calls me “cute.” But whenever I’m undressed, without fail, it’s always “beautiful” instead.
Told that, something in my chest goes restless, ticklish, unbearable.
Honestly, I have no confidence in my own figure. I’m not long-limbed and slender like her, and my body’s certainly nothing dramatic. I don’t know what kind of woman she actually prefers. Never asked. Too scared to ask.
But that gaze, always looking at me with such fondness, and, in moments like this, with such open desire — it burns, unbearably, straight through my chest.
“…Don’t look so much.”
Embarrassment brought tears welling, slow, to my eyes. Noticing, apparently startled by how close I was to crying, Yui-san’s eyes went round.
Then she laughed, and pulled my body into a tight, firm embrace.
“…Don’t make that face. Geez, you’re too cute.”
Said with a small sigh, Yui-san’s voice carried its usual soft, gentle color.
“But… you said you wouldn’t be mean anymore…”
“Sorry, sorry. I won’t tease you anymore. Please, don’t cry.”
Kissing away the tears that had spilled, at the corner of my eye, her palm stroking my back, soothing — I understood, relieved, that I’d been forgiven.
Same as always — I genuinely can never tell whether Yui-san’s being kind or mean. Those two things feel like polar opposites, and yet she balances them, somehow, in exact, precarious equilibrium.
Tossed back and forth like a seesaw, I’m always so thoroughly swept along, and I don’t think I could ever climb out of this bottomless swamp now.
I genuinely wish something could be done about that personality of hers, the one that ensnares every woman in the world.
Frustrated, genuinely frustrated, I hugged her body tight with everything I had, and “ow, ow,” Yui-san laughed.
“Yui-san, you idiot.”
“Well, I really couldn’t stand you having someone else’s scent on you. I wanted to wash it off as fast as possible.”
“…Even so, you didn’t have to be this mean about it. You’re one to talk, Yui-san — back in college, you used to come home carrying other girls’ scents all the time. Did you forget?”
“Did I? Don’t remember college at all anymore. Nothing in my memory except you, Kanata.”
There’s no way she’s forgotten something from just a few years ago. Honestly, Yui-san’s always like this. So convenient.
Sulking, Yui-san laughed, took the showerhead, and turned the tap.
The strong spray of water splashed my feet, and I flinched at the cold.
After a moment, steam started to rise, and, checking the temperature with her palm, Yui-san turned the showerhead toward my body.
Warm, and it felt good — but still, embarrassing.
“To make it up to you, let me wash you.”
“It’s fine, I can wash myself…”
“No. I’ll do it.”
Saying she’d bought a new body wash just for me, she picked up an expensive-looking bottle, worked up a fluffy lather, and smiled, bright.
As if to overwrite the cigarette smell with citrus, her hand slid, gentle, over my wet skin.
From my neck, along my collarbone, to my chest. Stroking my shoulder, tracing all the way down to my fingertips, confirming every shape with gentle care — the feel of it left me… somehow, strangely unsettled.
“Um, you’re going to get wet too, Yui-san.”
“Ah… right, got so absorbed I forgot to undress.”
Having stripped only me bare, Yui-san herself was still in her underwear. A small dissatisfaction.
With her figure, she never seems to have any hesitation undressing in front of me, so whenever I ask, “you too, Yui-san,” she usually strips right away.
But right now, apparently too absorbed in washing me, she showed no sign of granting that request.
She’d gone back to being somewhat gentler, but the heat in her eyes hadn’t faded at all.
I could almost be fooled by that beautiful face — but Yui-san, despite looking like someone with zero interest in that sort of thing, is exactly the opposite underneath.
That wolfish, ferocious gaze always sets my body on fire, and undoes me completely, every time.
My breath grew ragged. I know, logically, she’s just washing me — and yet, the moment her fingers traced along my stomach and touched my waist, my body trembled, reflexive, and Yui-san, noticing, gave a faint smile.
“Yui-san, h-how far are you washing…?”
Crouching down, she stroked lather along my right thigh. Touched somewhere that sensitive, my body reacted, unbidden, and, embarrassed, I asked, and, looking up at me, she smiled, mischievous.
“How far do you want me to wash?”
Her palm, sliding smooth, traced the back of my thigh, then down my calf, gentle.
My heart pounded, hard. Rarely do I ever look down at Yui-san like this. My gaze caught, helpless, on the full, pure white swell of her chest peeking from her navy underwear.
Before meeting Yui-san, I’d never once experienced my own heart racing this painfully hard, just from looking at a woman’s body.
Her palm, reaching my ankle, then slowly traced back upward. From my calf, the back of my knee, the back of my thigh, then to my inner thigh.
A shiver raced up my spine, and I thought, ah, I can’t take this anymore. Some switch had fully, completely flipped.
Once my body’s caught fire like this, there’s only one person who can settle it. No one else. Only your fingers, your voice, your warmth.
Only now did I finally understand what Yui-san had actually been aiming for, this whole time.
She’d planned this from the very start. Never intended to make the first move herself — she’d meant, all along, to make me beg for it instead.
You said you wouldn’t be mean anymore. Liar. I wanted to complain, at least a little, but complaining now would only invite more teasing. So, giving up, I closed my eyes.
“Yu— i, san.”
“What?”
“…Please stop, being mean.”
“I’m not being mean at all. Just washing you, that’s all.”
“That’s exactly what’s mean…”
Looking at me with that heated gaze, touching me in ways that set my whole body on fire — there’s no way “just washing” is a reasonable explanation for that.
“You think?”
The bathroom carries sound terribly. Nothing but the sound of the shower striking the floor and my own heartbeat, pounding at my ears, left me almost dizzy.
Her eyes, watching me, steady, waiting for my words. Probably, Yui-san had already decided — she wouldn’t give me anything unless I said it myself.
But if I could just swallow my embarrassment and ask, just once — surely Yui-san would give me everything I wanted, without holding back.
One word. Just one single word.
“Yui… san.”
Voice shaking, I said her name. My breath grew shallow, my chest rising and falling, over and over. The whole time, she kept stroking my leg, gentle, watching me.
“What is it, Kanata? …If you don’t actually say it, I won’t understand.”
Our eyes locked. She probably already knows exactly what I’m thinking — it felt almost like being toyed with, right in the palm of her hand.
She surely already understood, from the very start, that I’d end up saying exactly the words she wanted, exactly as she wished.
Yui-san knows my personality well. And she’s always thinking one, two steps ahead of me. That’s exactly who she is.
“Please… properly, touch me.”
The words that spilled from my lips came out so small, so weak, they nearly vanished entirely under the sound of the shower striking the floor.
Yui-san’s lips, apparently waiting for exactly those words, curved into an arc.
Standing, smiling, happy, not caring at all that her underwear was about to get soaked, I clung to her, half-desperate, and her lips met mine, gentle.
“Yeah, good. …Well done.”
Pulling her lips away, gently, looking into me with that gaze so full of desire, I felt both heart and body pierced through, and, in the end, easily, helplessly, my body trembled, and I wanted her too badly to wait even until the bed.
＊＊＊
“Hey… Yui-san, I’m hungry.”
Once she’d finished drying my hair on the sofa, winding up the dryer’s cord in loops, I said it, half-sulking, unable to hold it back.
Half-forcibly dragged home right after work, then, without even eating dinner first, swept straight into things in the bathroom — my body, thoroughly drained of energy, was starving.
Right now, I deeply, deeply regret having gotten caught in Yui-san’s scheme and giving in, wanting her in the bathroom of all places.
I hadn’t known sound would carry that much, and even with her support, standing the whole time had been a first, and it had genuinely worn me out. Definitely also because Yui-san simply wouldn’t stop, no matter what.
“Hungry? Want to order delivery?”
Hugging me tight from behind, Yui-san said it. But I’m not in the mood for that right now. Thoroughly sulking, I shook my head, side to side, firm.
Tonight, I wanted to be spoiled. Because after being teased that mercilessly, surely I’ve earned at least this much.
“No. I want you to cook, Yui-san. Anything’s fine.”
“Anything’s fine? Okay… though I wonder if we have anything.”
Still as light on her feet as ever, Yui-san released the arms she’d had wrapped around me and stood, heading for the kitchen. Averting my eyes from the bite mark on her pure white shoulder, peeking from her loungewear T-shirt, I wrapped myself in a blanket.
Autumn, too, was drawing to a close. This season — my first autumn as Yui-san’s actual girlfriend, since we got together at summer’s end — had become one filled with the happiest, most irreplaceable memories of my life.
I watched my beloved girlfriend’s back as she seriously studied the fridge’s contents, working out what to make.
“Hey, Kanata, is pasta okay?”
Turning back to ask, I nodded, “yeah.”
*
Winter’s coming soon. And once winter passes, spring will come. Then, at last, she’ll be free, and we’ll finally get to cross that spring we couldn’t cross, four years ago.
I won’t give up anymore. I’ll never let go of Yui-san again.
Whatever happens, from here on, as long as it’s the two of us, I know we’ll be fine.
Because right now, this person — mean, and yet endlessly, bottomlessly kind — I love her, from the very bottom of my heart.