Episode 60
I stared at the featureless ceiling.
My eyes weren’t focusing on anything in particular, and after a while I picked up my phone on a whim and checked it.
No messages.
I wondered how Morishita’s exam was going.
The civil service exam falls right around the time everyone else is throwing themselves fully into university prep. Even though Morishita had started studying quite early, I still thought the time she’d had before the actual test was cutting it close.
No, Morishita would be fine.
She looks completely unmotivated about everything, and yet somehow she handles difficult things without much trouble. She’ll probably come home saying something like “I wasn’t nervous” without a second thought.
But just thinking about Morishita made a tight, painful knot form deep in my stomach, as though I were the one sitting the exam, and I curled up on the bed.
Usually the moment a test ends brings relief, but what comes right after is the fear of the results. Fighting that fear alone, feeling like you might collapse under it.
Is Morishita anxious too?
I shouldn’t have room to spare worrying about someone else, and yet my head had become incapable of thinking about anything except her.
Unable to stand being alone any longer, I ran out of the house.
Even though it was September, summer’s heat still lingered in the air.
It was already evening, and a scattering of people were making their way home along the street.
I stepped into a cool café and spread out my study materials.
For the first few hours after arriving, I managed to concentrate.
But my thoughts kept drifting back to Morishita.
Morishita had gone by train to sit her exam.
Since the test venue was in a different prefecture, and staying overnight would waste money, she’d said she’d come straight back the same day.
As evening set in, I couldn’t stand it any longer and messaged her, What time will you get to the station?
The message was marked read immediately, and the reply came back, unmistakably irritated even through text, Around ten.
Even so, I ignored her tone and asked, Can I wait at the station?
Of course, Morishita’s answer came back, Don’t do that. But I ignored her reply, concentrated on studying until ten, and headed for the station.
I stood at the ticket gate where Morishita would be coming through.
All kinds of people streamed out through it, and I made sure to check each face carefully, so I wouldn’t miss her.
“Ah…”
I even impressed myself.
She was still dozens of metres away, and yet I spotted her instantly. And Morishita hadn’t noticed me at all.
I fixed my fringe, more out of feeling than necessity, and waited for her to come through the gate.
The moment our eyes met, Morishita startled, turned, and started heading in a different direction.
A small sting hit my chest, but I chased after her right away and ran around to cut her off.
“Why are you here, Fujishiro.”
“I came to tell Morishita good work.”
“I see.”
“Morishita, good work today.”
I reached out and gently patted her head, and her brow furrowed deeply.
“Thanks…”
“Let’s walk home together?”
“…Mm.”
She looked displeased, but I was happy enough that she’d allow me to walk beside her, so I fell quietly into step next to her.
Outside the station it was pitch dark and lonely-feeling.
Glancing sideways at her every so often, I spoke up.
“How was the test?”
“Fine.”
“Weren’t you nervous?”
“Well…”
“Impressive, as always, Morishita. You handle these things so calmly.”
“…”
I felt like I was managing the conversation well enough, but it kept trailing off.
Not sure what to do about it, I kept walking anyway, unbothered.
“Fujishiro, your house is that way, isn’t it.”
“I’ll walk you home. It’s late, and it’s dangerous.”
“I’m fine on my own.”
“Then, want to talk for a bit, at the usual place?”
“…Talk about what?”
“What comes next, maybe?”
“Why are you asking that as a question?”
“I don’t really know myself, but I want to talk with Morishita.”
“Hm.”
Morishita gave a noncommittal response, but changed direction and headed toward our usual spot anyway.
The open area inside the shrine grounds was deserted, not a single soul around.
As always, this empty space felt open, freeing.
I stood in the middle of that open ground and spread my arms wide, waiting for her.
“What?”
“You worked hard, Morishita, so I’ll give you a hug.”
“I didn’t work particularly hard, and I don’t want to be hugged by you.”
“That’s harsh.”
“Besides, we’re outside.”
“So it’s fine if we’re not outside?”
“That’s not the point.”
“Just come here already.”
I pulled her hand forcefully.
Even though she’s taller than me, I wrapped my arms around her fragile body as though shielding it from breaking.
The scent of her laundry detergent drifted softly toward me, and my heart reacted to it.
Everything. Everything, everything.
I love everything about Morishita.
I want Morishita’s heart.
I rubbed her back gently, so this overflowing feeling wouldn’t spill out, and she pushed back against me, hard. Even so, I put strength into my arms so I wouldn’t let go.
“Morishita, you worked hard. Good girl.”
“I’m not obligated to be praised by you. Don’t act so high and mighty.”
“Morishita’s a good girl, a good girl.”
I kept holding on and rubbing her back regardless of what she said.
Right. I really am…
High and mighty, too proud for my own good, no real talent to speak of, and yet hating to lose all the same.
Even when what Morishita says is right, I can never quite manage to accept it and take it in.
So all I could do was keep stroking her back, as though telling myself my own actions were justified.
At some point, the strength in Morishita’s resistance had faded, and her complaints had stopped too.
Whether she’d given up, or whether she just wanted this to end quickly, I couldn’t tell. Either way, I found myself wishing this time would go on and on.
Just then, Morishita wrapped her own arms around my back, holding me tighter than I’d been holding her.
The suddenness of it, and the force pressing into my body, nearly forced a low sound out of me.
I managed to steady my breathing and asked her.
“What’s wrong, Morishita?”
“…Honestly, I was a little nervous.”
Her voice was trembling.
From that voice alone, it was obvious that “a little” was a lie.
Wasn’t she actually terribly nervous?
Wasn’t she actually terribly frightened?
Thinking that, Morishita looked unbearably cute to me. Still, I chose my words carefully so I wouldn’t upset her.
“If it were me, I think I’d get so nervous my stomach would give out and I wouldn’t make it home.”
“Fujishiro, you look like you’re about to throw up even during regular school tests.”
“Ugh… I’m just bad under pressure!”
When I scolded her back, a soft laugh escaped through her nose right by my ear. She was probably making an expression that would steal my heart in an instant. But since we were still hugging, I couldn’t see her face.
“Fujishiro. Thanks for teaching me…”
“What’s this? Suddenly so formal.”
“Fujishiro did such a good job teaching me. Good girl, good girl.”
Like a small child getting back at someone out of spite, Morishita said it in a taunting voice and rubbed my head roughly.
“You’re treating me like a kid.”
“You’re small enough to pass for one.”
“That’s just my height!”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Morishita patted my head a few more times, carelessly, and started to pull away, so I grabbed her sleeve to keep her from getting any further.
“Heading home now?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll walk you home.”
“It’s right there, I’m fine.”
“I see. See you, then.”
In response to what I said, Morishita gave a small, restrained wave and headed off toward home.