Episode 12

The classroom was full of classmates in gym clothes, blue headbands tied around their arms or foreheads. Many of the girls had tied their headbands prettily and done their hair as well. I pulled mine into a single bundle and wrapped the headband flat across my brow.

“I’m so excited,” said Hinata, pressing herself happily against my arm.
Excited about what, exactly, I thought — but I put on a smile, said “Yeah, me too,” and we headed off to the gymnasium together.

Students from all three year groups had gathered, packing the gym full. After long opening remarks from the principal and the sports committee chair, a radio calisthenics warm-up began.

Student council members perform the warm-up in the front row as a model for everyone else, moving our bodies broadly and deliberately. As usual, I made a careful show of being the most diligent student in the room.

But inside, I was restless. Composure had left me.

Our class had caught tournament fever, with Yudzuki at the center of it all; we were gunning for a year-group championship. Volleyball in particular — with so many students from the volleyball club — was a category we absolutely could not lose.

Second place is not an option.

I’d practiced enough that I didn’t expect to make any major mistakes, but I’d never once managed to deliver when it mattered most — when a win or a loss actually hung in the balance — so I was badly on edge.

“Nanoha, you’re a wreck.”

Yudzuki patted me lightly on the back a few times.

She, apparently, was not nervous at all. Compared to official matches, a class tournament was probably just a game to her.

Why was this person always so composed? Every time, that thought drove a thorn into my chest and left me in pieces.

“Just try to relax and do your best.”
“Thanks.”

Easy for you to say — but I swallowed that back and started warming up.

Soccer and dodgeball were held outside; basketball and volleyball were in the gym. The space was packed, everyone moving through final adjustments.

I squeezed into a corner and did face-to-face passes with a classmate.

Once my body had warmed up, the first match looked ready to start. We weren’t playing until the third match, so there was still time.

Hinata had gone outside for soccer. I could have found classmates or Yudzuki to stay with, but right now I wanted to be alone.

A place where I can get my head right…

I scanned the gym, wanting somewhere without people, and pulled open the door to the equipment storeroom. I looked around — no one watching — slipped inside, and closed the door behind me.

As I stepped inside the warehouse, the pungent smell of dust hit my nose.
I stepped into the dusty space and made my way to the back.

There was a spot in the corner of the shelves that looked just right for sitting, so I brushed the dust off the floor and sat down.
The coldness of the concrete stung my bottom.

I folded my knees to my chest and dropped my forehead onto them, and closed my eyes.

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

That was all I could tell myself.
I’d practiced so much.
Surely it’ll be fine.
This time I can properly take first place for everyone.

My breathing turned irregular. Oxygen wasn’t reaching my brain.

I wanted to inhale but couldn’t do it properly.

At some point I had started to dread anything with rankings.

Before exams too, I always end up slightly hyperventilating.

Second place is not an option.
Why can’t you ever be first.
Why are you such a failure.
Try harder.
Put your life on the line.

Stop—.

The words tormenting me were still flowing through my head when something dropped squarely onto it from above.

My heart nearly leapt from my chest; the shock forced a sharp inhale, and air came rushing into my lungs with a hiss.

But I couldn’t breathe out again. My breath locked.

“What’s with your face?”
“Why are you here…?”
“I can be wherever I want.”

A slender girl in gym clothes was staring at me with an expression that was almost severe.

A moment ago I hadn’t been able to breathe properly — and yet now I was inhaling normally through my nose, noticing the dust.

There was a ball rolling beside me. Apparently she’d dropped it on my head.
Normally I should probably be annoyed, but I found I wasn’t in the mood to be annoyed at all.

“Why did you come to such a gloomy place, Morishita?”
“Taking a break. Too many people in the gym.”
“Pfft. Very you.” I cleared a space beside me and wiped the cold floor clean — something grainy, like sand, came off on my hand. “Come sit.”

This corner was hemmed in by basketball hoops and gym mats, barely enough room for two. But Morishita said nothing and sat down beside me. The lukewarm heat of her against my right side, which had gone cold.

I felt, just a little, like leaning on her.

I looped my arm through hers and pressed close, not wanting her to go anywhere.

“You’re suffocating me.”
“I’m cold…”
“Then go outside.”
“You’re right.”
“…Why are you in here, Fujishiro?”
“Just clearing my head.”
“You look pretty pale for someone just clearing their head.”

That landed somewhere tender.
She had seen the part of me I didn’t want seen. The part I couldn’t let anyone know about. I felt cold sweat prickling along my back.

I pulled the headband off my forehead — I’d tied it so tight I could feel my pulse against it — and my mouth started moving on its own.

“Our class is seriously going for the championship. I kept thinking about what would happen if we lost because of me, and then… I was here.”
“Hm.”

The response was spectacularly uninterested.
She’d been the one to ask, and this was all she gave me. A bit much.

“You’re weirdly self-important, you know.”
“How?”

If anything, I was the opposite.
I had never once been first. If I’d been a more capable person, my life now would look completely different.

While I was staring at her, puzzled, a flick landed square on my forehead.
It stung more than expected. I rubbed the spot gently.

“That hurt…”
“Whether you’re there or not isn’t going to change who wins. You’re not that impressive.”
“Isn’t that incredibly rude?”
“It’s a fact.”
“Pfft—”

All that heavy atmosphere, and a laugh burst out of me from somewhere deep in my stomach before I could stop it.

She was right.

What had I been so worked up about?
That bad habit of mine, coming out again.

Someone as unremarkable as me — even if I tried hard, nothing would change.

That had always been true.
There was no point trying any harder now.

Thinking it like that, the tension drained from my shoulders all at once, and the ache in my head quietly disappeared.

The misery I’d been drowning in moments ago had cleared, almost without my noticing.

“I want to read manga today.”

My breath nearly stopped.
She’d always just sent messages on her phone — she’d never made that request out loud, directly to my face, before.

“You really have zero interest in the tournament, don’t you.”
“Is that a problem?”
“No. I think it’s great.”

Whatever happened today, Morishita was apparently coming to my place after. Right now, that promise felt like something solid I could hold onto.

“Morishita, thank you.”
“Did you just randomly thank me? Are you losing it?”
“I was already losing it. I just wanted to say it. Thank you.”

I leaned slightly toward her — and she slid smoothly away, so I lost my balance and almost fell.
Morishita stood and walked out of the storeroom.

My body had gone cold all the way through, but something deep in my chest was quietly warm.
I stretched out my stiffened limbs and followed her outside.

Morning sunlight was pouring into the gymnasium, bright and sharp. I spotted my classmates and Yudzuki and made my way toward them.

“Nanoha, where were you?”
“Visualization practice, I think.”
“You’re so dedicated.”
“Not really.”

I didn’t even bother keeping up the performance with Yudzuki right now.
The crushing pressure that had been sitting on my shoulders — Morishita had lifted it, just like that. So now my steps were light.

“Alright, let’s go.”
“Hm?”

Yudzuki was probably looking at me strangely.

Tension gone, I played the matches in a kind of easy drift. Like in an ordinary gym class — just playing, just winning, just like that. Something like that.

Lunch came and went and the afternoon matches continued.
It turned out the final match between Morishita’s class and mine would decide the championship.

A situation like this would normally have my legs trembling and my stomach in knots, desperate to escape — but right now I felt light.

Across the net, Morishita looked languid, unbothered.

I was watching her when, just for a moment, I thought she glanced back at me.

No — probably my imagination.
She was just focused on the match.
I needed to focus too.

What I felt right now wasn’t I want to be first — it was simpler than that. I just genuinely wanted to beat Morishita’s team. Because some ridiculous corner of my brain was already imagining lording it over her when she came to read manga at my place later.

That strange excess tension had left my body. I could actually focus.

School events are strange — somehow you manage better than in practice.

Our class was performing better than usual, I thought. But Morishita’s class had a teamwork that surpassed it. Their side locked together into one unit and pressed down on us relentlessly.

Every time a toss went up, either Morishita or Suzuki Ran would drive a spike down sharp and hard, and all we could do was scramble to dig it up.

I couldn’t understand where that much power came from in such a slight body. Even as we fell behind I wasn’t anxious — I was having fun.

The ball kept connecting, kept going back over. The other side kept it alive just the same. The match was even.

With a clean, satisfying crack, one of Morishita’s spikes drove hard into my arms. Heavy and stinging and somehow bracing — it was fun to receive it.

Twenty minutes on the clock. It felt like five minutes to me. The match ended before I knew it, and our team lost.

“Ahh, I hate this!”

The moment it was over, Yudzuki was stomping the floor. Other classmates were lamenting too — so frustrating, I wanted to win.

Two points. That was the margin, which made it sting more for them. But what was stirring inside me wasn’t frustration.

My arms were burning hot. There might be a bruise there by tomorrow.

My whole body was flushed from the core outward, my face warm and tingling.

This body of mine — that usually felt drained of all blood, drained of warmth — was unbelievably hot today.

When I came in second before, the blood always drained from me. Today was the exact opposite.

“…That was fun.”

The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them.

When had I last thought something was fun? It had been that long — because no matter what I did, there was always weight pressing down on me, no room to simply enjoy anything.

I felt someone’s gaze and looked up to find Yudzuki staring at me with eyes wide open in disbelief.

“Nanoha, I didn’t know you could smile like that.”
“I’m… smiling?”

I hadn’t meant to.
I’d been smiling without realizing it.

Yudzuki blinked a few times, then looked toward Morishita.

“Wow, Morishita Mei from class one is something else! I’m going to go ask her to play as a sub in the inter-school tournament.”

The Yudzuki who’d been so frustrated a moment ago ducked under the net and started heading toward Morishita.

I watched Yudzuki chatting with her, cheerful and animated. And Morishita — she looked, somehow, a little softer than usual.

My body moved before my mind caught up.

“Yudzuki, everyone’s waiting.”

I caught Yudzuki’s arm and pulled her sharply back.
Yudzuki complained — “I wasn’t finished” — but came back toward our class all the same.