Episode Sixteen: How Many People Did You Kiss While I Was Gone?
My next trip home would probably be at year’s end. My long three-week visit finally over, I was now on a plane bound for Haneda.
I wouldn’t land in Japan until tomorrow evening. Long flights still weren’t something I’d gotten used to, but unlike five months ago, my heart felt light.
Watching the city lights glowing below in the dark, I thought back to what my mother had murmured to me at the airport.
You’re this eager to get back — did you make a new boyfriend or something?
I’d shaken my head fast, insisting that wasn’t it, but she’d just smiled and said, “I won’t tell your father,” refusing to take me seriously.
It really wasn’t that. Had I actually looked that giddy?
Even to myself, about my own feelings, I honestly couldn’t say.
Yui-san is a woman. So why do I miss her this much? Why do I want to see her this badly?
Because she’s kind? Because she’s beautiful? Because she spoils me?
It feels like all of it applies, and at the same time, like none of it quite captures it. Just as she calls me special, Yui-san had genuinely become “special” to me too.
But is the “special” I mean the same as the “special” she means?
No amount of thinking was going to produce an answer on my own, so I just let myself be carried along by the plane cutting through the clouds and closed my eyes.
If only I had someone to talk this through with. But it felt like putting it into words would actually change something, for real.
By the time we landed on the runway lit gold by the setting sun, I was thoroughly worn out. Sitting still for over twelve hours takes its toll.
Once device restrictions lifted, I switched off airplane mode, and a message came through.
Waiting by the clock tower — such a simple message, and it pulled a smile out of me without my even meaning it to.
I collected my suitcase and hurried toward Yui-san.
The meeting spot, same as five months ago. But everything about how I felt was different now.
The clock tower came into view, and I spotted Yui-san waving. Impatience pushed at my back, and I broke into a small run without meaning to.
“Welcome back, Kanata.”
Letting go of my suitcase, I rushed straight into the arms she’d already spread open.
Nuzzling against her neck, that soft, sweet scent that’s only Yui-san’s filled me, and something in my chest clenched, tight.
Ah. What a good smell.
Terminal 3 is international arrivals anyway. Nobody so much as glances at a hug here.
Held tight, tight enough it almost hurt, without a second’s hesitation, the emptiness in me filled up fast, all at once.
“I missed you.”
Her voice, right at my ear, sounded happy.
I probably missed her more, so much more. But I’d never say that, out of pure stubbornness.
Her arms loosened, gently, and when I pulled back to look up at her, those kind eyes were watching me.
“You must be hungry, let’s grab something to eat on the way home.”
I nodded, and Yui-san picked up the handle of the suitcase I’d abandoned, then caught my free hand with hers, and I squeezed back, hard.
I’d thought, flying out, that Narita would’ve been better. Coming home, though, I was glad it had been Haneda after all — that was the kind of night it turned into.
The moment we got back to Yui-san’s house, three weeks apart finally over, I didn’t even make it to the living room before my arm was pulled and I was pulled into an embrace.
My back pressed against the hallway wall, a small ache from the impact.
Maybe I hadn’t been the only one who’d felt lonely. I wrapped my arms around her too, gently, and stroked her back.
“Heh… Yui-san, you’re the spoiled one today.”
Usually I’m the one burrowing into her arms, asking to be held. The arms wrapped around me now weren’t as gentle as usual, not the soft, enveloping warmth I knew — this was stronger.
“…I really missed you.”
Whispered right against my ear, and a small shiver ran down my spine. Pinned against the wall, held so tight it felt like being trapped, her arms held me fast, refusing to let go.
“Yui-sa—, ah!”
My voice shook trying to say her name, because I’d felt her lips press against the edge of my ear.
My body reacted before my mind could catch up, and the arm I’d raised to push her shoulder back was caught, effortlessly, and pinned to the wall.
The instant she nipped gently at my earlobe, an indescribable shiver raced through me.
I meant to say stop, but a helpless, needy sound nearly slipped out instead, and I bit down on my lower lip and squeezed my eyes shut.
“…Hey, Kanata.”
My overreacting body flinched at the sound. Don’t whisper that close to my ear. Yui-san knows exactly how weak I am to that, and doing it anyway is just mean.
“Look at me.”
Her voice, sweet and soft, rang through my ear and dulled my thinking. If I turned to face her at this distance, our eyes would meet.
And if that happened, I felt like I’d end up accepting everything, no resistance left at all. I was scared that whatever I’d been agonizing over would suddenly get a name, too easily.
I took a deep breath, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
“Yui-san, what exactly are you planning to do?”
Her left hand came up, gently, to stroke my cheek. My restrained arm was freed, but her lips pressed softly against my neck instead, and some indefinable heat took over my whole body.
Something like fire seemed to kindle low in my stomach.
Pressed together this close, there was no hiding how my body was reacting, and mortified, I bit my lip and pushed weakly at her shoulder. This time a small gap opened between us, and I found myself looking straight into Yui-san’s black eyes.
“…I want to kiss you. Not allowed?”
Said so directly, it hit like a blow. Questions spun, dizzying, through my head.
I’m not your type, aren’t I?
Which means you can’t actually sleep with me, isn’t that right?
I don’t know. What a kiss even means to Yui-san. What level of “expression of affection” it counts as, in her book.
For me, at least, that kind of thing only happens with someone I’m actually dating — I never have, otherwise.
But Yui-san is different. There’s a clear gap in how we each think about it. If I let myself get swept along and simply gave in, I felt certain I’d end up in something like hell.
Touching this person with anything less than full seriousness — I wouldn’t come away with just a burn. It would be so much worse.
“Even if you say that…”
“C’mon, it’s fine, isn’t it. We’ve already done it once, and you don’t actually hate it, right?”
Without waiting for an answer, she leaned in, and I scrambled to press my palm flat against her lips to stop her.
A resentful, faintly annoyed look pierced me, but unlike Yui-san, I wasn’t practiced enough at playing around to kiss someone on pure momentum and mood.
“…Kanata.”
“‘If she thinks pushing works on this girl, that’s it, game over’… right?”
I remembered the warning Yui-san herself had given me once. She already knows I’m weak to being pushed. That’s exactly why she’s coming at me this hard right now — it had to be.
Her well-shaped brows drew together, faintly annoyed. Even irritated, she was still beautiful, an oddly out-of-place thought for the moment.
“…You said you didn’t hate being kissed. Was that a lie?”
“It’s not a lie, that part’s true.”
Before she could ask then why, I looped my arms up around her neck instead, the way you’d cling to someone taller than you, needy.
Yui-san might know I’m weak to being pushed. But I know her weak spot too.
This person is weak to being spoiled, to being needed.
“…Yui-san, do you do this with everyone? That’s what bothers me.”
“No, it’s not like it’s everyone…”
“Then, how many people did you kiss while I was gone? Tell me.”
The moment I asked, her eyes flickered away, just for an instant. Ah, there it is. Reigning in this woman’s bad habit really might require actual handcuffs.
“See, I knew it. Anyone would do, wouldn’t they. Pervert.”
Struck exactly where she didn’t want to be, Yui-san flinched, and I slipped free of her arms. My heart had genuinely been pounding, and honestly, if she’d pushed even a little further, it might have gone badly.
Glancing back at Yui-san, hand braced against the wall, shoulders slumped, letting out a sigh, I headed for the living room.
Setting aside, for now, whether it’s a woman or a man, setting aside whether I actually like her —
being her “favorite” isn’t enough for me.
I don’t want there to be second, or third.
Unless it’s someone who thinks only of me, I won’t hand myself over that easily.
At least, that’s the plan. For now.
Yui-san probably already knows this about me — I’m fairly selfish.
If she wants to touch someone like that, someone like me —
then she needs to show me some real sincerity of her own first.