Episode 75: I’m not trying to provoke you, I swear

Flopping down onto my single bed, I hugged Shachi-kun tightly as usual.

Even though I was in my own room, my heart kept pounding relentlessly, refusing to settle.
Deep within my chest, it felt restless, as if someone were tickling me.

Trying to calm myself, I switched off the ceiling light with the remote and turned on the bedside lamp.
　A soft, orange glow gently enveloped the room.

The sound of a hairdryer drifted from the dressing room. It was proof that my lover, who shouldn’t normally be in this house, was here.

It was me who couldn’t bear to part, who wanted to be together longer, who invited her: “Why don’t you stay the night?” I was the one who held Yui-san back and invited her into this room.

Only now did it start to feel embarrassing.
　It wasn’t like I invited her with that in mind. That much I know for sure…

“Haa…”

A sigh escaped me involuntarily.

Even though we’d bathed together, surprisingly, Yui-san kept her promise to “not do anything”.
After getting out of the bath, she naturally dried my hair first and said, “You can go to your room,” so I went back to my own room alone.

　I’m nervous. Even hugging Shachi-kun in my futon doesn’t calm me. Imagining what’s about to happen makes my cheeks burn each time.

I used to be bad at sex. Bad enough that it was the reason I broke up with the boyfriend I had before meeting Yui-san.

And yet. Why do I find myself so eager for her touch?

　We’ve been intimate several times now, but I still haven’t got used to it. Every single time, I get so nervous I feel like my heart might burst.

Back in our student days, Yui-san had relationships with numerous women. Beautiful and kind to everyone, she was frighteningly popular.
　I know full well she never committed to anyone, drifting aimlessly, swapping one girl for another.
I don’t mean to criticise her for that now, but it still bothers me a little… makes me uneasy.

Because compared to the many women Yui-san played with, I’m… overwhelmingly inexperienced and awkward.

I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my cheek against Shachi-kun’s belly.

My ex must have found my passive nature utterly dull.
The fact that he cheated on me and then dumped me still haunts me to this day.

Of course, I know Yui-san isn’t like that.

But she, who must have spent countless nights with women until she grew bored, is she truly satisfied with someone like me?

I love making love with Yui-san. It’s the first time I’ve ever thought this, and I’m genuinely surprised by myself.
Just being looked down upon by those eyes, so full of heat, makes my chest burn. I feel truly loved, and it fills me up completely. Occasionally, she can be terribly mean, but that… let’s leave that aside.

I wonder what Yui-san thinks.

As these thoughts swirled around in my head, my bedroom door clicked open, and my shoulders twitched involuntarily.

“…Kanata, have you fallen asleep?”

Yui-san, who’d apparently misunderstood because I’d turned off the main light and left only the bedside lamp on, called my name gently. I lifted my face just a little.
Then, Yui-san, who had walked over to the bedside, peered down at me and widened her eyes slightly.
Then, she grabbed the Shachi-kun I was holding to my chest with one hand.

“Ah!”

My fingers, reaching out frantically to grab it back, sliced through empty air.
Making eye contact with Shachi-kun, forcibly snatched from my arms, Yui-san glared at his plastic eyes with obvious displeasure.

“Honestly, Yui-san, what are you doing?!”

I protested involuntarily, lifting the duvet and sitting up to try and get him back. Just as I reached out, she deftly lifted Orca-kun further out of reach and gave me a sharp look.

“You weren’t seriously planning to sleep hugging this, were you?”

“Please don’t call it ‘this’. I always sleep with Orca-kun.”

As I said this, Yui-san glanced briefly at the shelf above the headboard.
　There, lined up, were the whale shark I’d been bought in Okinawa this summer and the seal she’d given back to me.

“Hmm? But Orca-kun says he wants to sleep with his friends tonight.”

With that, Yui tossed Orca-kun down beside the seal, almost as if discarding him.

“Ah, for goodness’ sake, Yui, you idiot! Don’t be so rough!”

This little one is my most precious, precious memory. That important stuffed toy Yui-san bought for me at the aquarium that summer during my first year of university.
Though it’s getting rather worn out from me hugging it to sleep every night, I’ve even bought ‘stuffed toy detergent’ for this little one and treated it with the utmost care all this time.

　Just as I turned to give her a telling-off for being treated so carelessly, Yui-san made a face as if she’d noticed something, and reached for that very side of Shachi-kun.

The moment I thought, ‘Huh?’, I remembered something terribly important. That’s right, I’d completely forgotten.
I’d forgotten to hide that perfume – the one she absolutely mustn’t see.

　With that outstretched hand, Yui-san deftly grabbed the familiar pink bottle.
That ribbon-adorned design had been my sleep aid for lonely nights, ever since leaving Yui-san behind and returning to London.

“…Why is this here?”

“Ah, well, that’s…”

　Her dark eyes fixed intently on mine. Yui knew I didn’t usually wear perfume. Yet, seeing her gaze at the partially used bottle with puzzlement, I had no idea what excuse to offer.

“…Kanata.”

Urged for a reply, I resignedly lowered my head. Now that she’d found it, there was no way to cover it up.

“Well… on lonely nights, or when I couldn’t sleep… that… smelling Yui-san’s scent calms me down…”

I heard the soft click as Yui-san placed the perfume back on the shelf. But I was too embarrassed to lift my face.

Back in school, Yui-san never liked troublesome kids. So maybe she wouldn’t think much of this sort of thing.

　As I fidgeted with my fingers, trying to think of an excuse to soothe my unease, a warm palm pressed firmly against my shoulder — and the world spun upside down.

　I realised I’d been pushed down only when long, silky black hair swayed before my eyes. My back slammed against the bed, the springs groaning loudly.
Looking up, Yui-san was smiling happily, hugging me tightly.

“Um, Yui-san…?”

Through the thin fabric, I felt her slightly warm body after her bath press tightly against mine.

“…Oh, come on, why do you always say such cute things?”

“Eh?”

Her reaction made me realise she wasn’t displeased, and I felt relieved.

“…When you feel like that, just call me. I promised I’d hold you when you’re lonely, didn’t I? No matter where you are, I’ll always come find you.”

A gentle voice whispered in my ear, making my chest grow warm. Come to think of it, she had said something like that before. It was definitely spring of our first year at university. Right around the time we’d just started living together.

“Saying that means you’ll have to come every day, Yui-san, won’t you? Because when we’re apart, I always feel terribly lonely. So when we’re together… let me be spoiled rotten.”

I wrapped my arms tightly around her back. My palms traced the slightly protruding shoulder blades, clinging to her as I held her close.

“…Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll spoil you rotten.”

Her lips pressed against my earlobe, hot breath escaping. She nibbled gently, sending shivers down my spine. Yui-san’s left hand slipped inside my nightclothes, softly tracing my side.

“Hey, Yui-san…”

“Hmm? …What is it, Kanata?”

　I gently stroked the cheek of Yui-san, who had raised her upper body slightly to peer at my face.
I like you. I like you so much. Your eyes, your voice, your fingertips. I like everything, everything about you. I like you so much I can’t stand it.

I gently combed through her glossy black hair with my fingers—calming the feelings threatening to make me anxious — and asked.

“Yui-san… um, are you… satisfied with me…?”

Yui-san looked at me with wide, puzzled eyes and tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s just… I always feel like I’m the one receiving everything… so I wonder if you’re really satisfied with me…”

I don’t want you to think I’m boring. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what the right answer is. The only thing that matters to me is what you teach me.
Staring intently into my eyes, trembling with anxiety, Yui-san suddenly gave a gentle smile.

“…What about you, Kanata? Are you properly satisfied?”

“…It feels good, always.”

It was a little embarrassing, but when I nodded and answered, Yui-san chuckled happily.

“That’s good. Then I’m satisfied too. Right, Kanata? I can’t wait any longer, but is it alright to continue?”

Is she truly satisfied? I hope she’s not just being considerate. I really wanted to ask more to be sure, but my beloved lover, who apparently can’t wait any longer, gazes down at me feverishly.
Just like a large dog wagging its tail vigorously. Well, dog… more like a wolf, really.

　So I resigned myself and stared back intently at Yui-san.

“Um… please don’t be too mean, alright? When Yui-san is mean to me, it makes me feel… weird somehow.”

Saying this bashfully, Yui-san’s eyes widened for a moment.
Then, as if enduring something, she took a deep breath and let out a small ‘huff’.

“…Kanata. If you want me to be kind, please don’t provoke me so much.”

“…I don’t mean to provoke you.”

I’d only said what I thought. Yui gave a wry smile, buried her face in the nape of my neck, and sighed.

“Not realising you’re doing it is really, really annoying…”

　Hearing Yui-san say that, I pouted, my lips tightening.

“Is that an insult?”

“Not at all. It means I find you utterly adorable.”

“Just be quiet,” Yui-san murmured, sealing my lips with hers. As I received that heated kiss, I felt my thoughts melting into a sludgy mess—and I squeezed my eyes shut.

＊＊＊

The shrill ringing of the alarm clock jolted me awake. Half-unconsciously, I reached up and smacked it, only for a white arm to wrap around me from behind, pulling me close.

“Mmm…”

A faint groan came from behind me, and consciousness slowly returned. Turning only my head, I saw Yui-san’s shoulder as she held me. I shifted position within her arms and turned to face her.

I smiled softly at my beloved lover, still fast asleep beneath her long lashes. Her face was as infuriatingly beautiful as ever. I could watch her forever and ever.
Naked, we pressed against each other on the narrow single bed. When I brought my lips close to the red, swollen bite mark on her shoulder, her arms tightened even more around my body.

I wish I could do something about this biting habit. I always try to be careful, but when I get cornered, I just lose control and do it.

If Yui-san were to say something like, “I don’t want to do it with Kanata, it hurts,” I’d be so sad. So next time, I really must endure it properly.

As I was thinking such things, Yui-san’s long eyelashes trembled, and then she blinked several times, pat-pat.

“Hmm… Good morning, Kanata. Were you awake…?”

“Good morning. I’ve just woken up myself.”

“Is there still time before we have to leave…?”

“Yes. My appointment with Yuri isn’t until this afternoon.”

At that, Yui-san smiled softly, looking pleased.

“Then let’s sleep together a little longer.”

Nodding, I closed my eyes and snuggled into her warm embrace. I could hear her steady, peaceful breathing.

　In a little while, I’d slip out of bed first and make breakfast for Yui-san.
On Saturday and Sunday mornings, seeing your sleeping face always fills me with happiness.

With Yui-san’s twenty-sixth birthday approaching next month, I wanted to celebrate it with all my heart, pouring in four years’ worth of feelings.
This year, I could finally fulfil the promise we made back in university.
　Just as I was about to fall asleep again, clutching her body tightly, my phone buzzed by the pillow. The length of the vibration told me it was a call.

Yuri, perhaps? I reached out, groping for my phone, and lifted it.

“Ah…”

It wasn’t my phone that had been vibrating. The screen displayed the name I least wanted to see.

——Shinji Kitakami.

My heart clenched painfully. While I hesitated over whether to tell Yui-san, who seemed completely unaware, “It’s your phone,” the phone had gone quiet before I knew it.

I was pulled back to reality. That’s right. Yui-san is still engaged to him… I might not even know if she can spend her birthday with me.

　I gently put my phone away and exhaled softly.

Spring feels so far away.

Even if her father is fine with it, what does he think? Can you really just let go of someone you’ve been engaged to for eight years so easily?

Yui-san said, “Don’t worry about Shinji,” but… it was impossible not to worry.
Knowing Yui-san, she must have thought it through carefully.

—All I can do now is trust Yui-san.

As if to convince myself, I murmured those words in my heart and held her body tightly, ever so tightly.