Episode Seventy-Five: I’m Not Trying to Provoke You, You Know
Sprawled out on my own single-size bed, I hugged my orca plushie tight, same as always.
Even in my own room, my heart wouldn’t stop pounding, refusing to settle. Something in my chest felt restless, ticklish, like someone was teasing me from the inside.
Trying to calm myself, I clicked off the ceiling light with the remote and switched on the bedside room lamp instead. A soft, orange glow wrapped the room, gentle.
The sound of a hair dryer drifted from the changing area. Proof that my girlfriend, someone who’s never normally here in this house, actually was here right now.
Reluctant to part, wanting more time together — “would you like to stay over?” — that invitation had been mine. I’m the one who’d held onto Yui-san and invited her into this room.
And now, belatedly, it was making me embarrassed.
It’s not like I’d invited her with any particular intent. That much, I’m sure of… but still.
“Haah…”
A sigh slipped out before I could stop it.
We’d bathed together, and yet, surprisingly, Yui-san had kept her promise not to do anything.
Once out of the bath, she’d naturally dried my hair first, and said “you can head to your room,” so I’d gone back to my own room alone first.
I’m nervous. Even hugging my orca under the covers doesn’t settle me. Every time I found myself imagining what might happen next, my cheeks went hot.
I used to be bad at sex. Bad enough that it’s part of why I split up with the boyfriend I dated before meeting Yui-san.
And yet. Why do I find myself looking forward to her touch this much?
We’ve been intimate a handful of times now, and I still haven’t gotten used to it, still get so nervous every time it feels like my heart might actually break.
Back in college, Yui-san had relationships with any number of unspecified women. Beautiful, kind to everyone, she was frighteningly popular.
I know she never dated any of them, just drifted from girl to girl, easy come, easy go.
I don’t intend to hold that against her, not at this point — but it still catches on something in me, a little. It still makes me anxious.
Because compared to all those women Yui-san played with, I’m — overwhelmingly less experienced. Unpracticed.
I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my cheek against my orca’s belly.
My ex, I think, must have found someone this passive genuinely boring.
Getting cheated on, then dumped, as the end result — that still trails after me, even now.
Of course, I know Yui-san isn’t like that.
But someone who’s surely had enough nights with women to grow bored of it entirely — is she actually satisfied, with someone like me?
Sex with Yui-san — I like it. First time I’ve ever thought that, and even I’m genuinely surprised by myself.
Just being looked down at by those heated eyes is enough to warm something deep in my chest. I can feel, wholeheartedly, that I’m loved, and it leaves me so satisfied. Sometimes she’s genuinely mean about it, but… let’s set that aside.
I wonder what Yui-san actually thinks.
Turning that over and over in my head, the door to my room suddenly clicked open, and my shoulders jumped, startled.
“…Kanata, did you fall asleep?”
Called gently by name, apparently misled by the room being dim with just the lamp on, I lifted my face slightly.
Yui-san, who’d walked over to the bedside, peered down at me and her eyes widened, just slightly.
Then, with one hand, she snatched up the orca I’d been hugging to my chest.
“Ah.”
My fingers, reaching to take him back, scrambled through empty air.
Meeting eyes with the orca she’d forcibly taken from my arms, Yui-san glared, displeased, at his plastic eyes.
“Come on, Yui-san, what are you doing!”
I raised my voice in protest and threw back the covers, sitting up, reaching to take him back. Yui-san lifted him just out of reach and looked at me, sidelong.
“Don’t tell me you were planning to sleep hugging this.”
“Don’t call him ‘this.’ I always sleep with the orca.”
Saying that, Yui-san’s eyes flicked toward the shelf on the headboard.
There, side by side, sat the whale shark she’d bought me this past summer in Okinawa, and the seal she’d given back to me.
“Hmm? But the orca said he wants to sleep with his friends tonight.”
Saying that, Yui-san tossed the orca down next to the seal, carelessly.
“Ah, come on, Yui-san, you idiot. Don’t be so rough with him!”
That little guy is a precious, precious memory of mine. A treasured plushie, bought for me by Yui-san at the aquarium that first summer of college.
Worn thin from being hugged every single night, but I’d even bought special plushie detergent for him, and taken care of him carefully, this whole time.
Turning to complain about her rough handling, I noticed Yui-san’s face suddenly shift, like she’d caught sight of something, and her hand reached toward the space beside the orca.
Wait, I thought — and then, a beat late, I remembered something important. Right, I’d completely forgotten.
I’d forgotten to hide the perfume — that thing Yui-san absolutely must never see.
Her reaching hand picked up the pink bottle, one she surely recognized well.
That bottle, decorated with a ribbon, had been my sleep aid, my own private tool for getting through lonely nights alone, ever since I’d been separated from Yui-san and gone back to London, and even now.
“…Why’s this here?”
“Ah, um, that’s…”
Those black eyes stared straight into mine. Yui-san knows I don’t normally wear perfume. And yet, watching her study that half-used bottle with such puzzlement, I couldn’t think of a single excuse.
“…Kanata.”
Pressed for an answer, resigned, I looked down. Caught now, there was no way to deflect anymore.
“Um… on lonely nights, or when I couldn’t sleep… your scent, Yui-san, it… calms me down, so…”
I heard a small click as Yui-san set the perfume back on the shelf. But I was too embarrassed to lift my face.
Back in college, Yui-san never liked high-maintenance girls. So maybe this kind of thing wouldn’t sit well with her either.
Fidgeting, lacing my fingers together to steady myself, still searching for an excuse, a warm palm suddenly pressed firm against my shoulder — and the world spun.
I only realized I’d been pushed down once I saw her long black hair swaying, loose, right in front of me. My back hit the mattress, and the bedsprings creaked, loud.
Looking up, Yui-san smiled, happy, and pulled my body into a tight, tight embrace.
“Um, Yui-san…?”
Through the thin fabric, her body, still faintly warm from the bath, pressed flush against mine.
“…Ugh, why do you always say such cute things?”
“Eh?”
Relieved by that reaction, I understood — she wasn’t upset at all.
“…Call me, next time. I promised, didn’t I, that I’d hold you whenever you’re lonely. I’ll come to you, wherever you are.”
Her gentle voice at my ear, and something in my chest warmed, slow. Right — she’d said something like that before, I remembered. Spring of freshman year, I think. Right after we’d started living together.
“Say something like that, and you’ll end up coming every single day, you know? Because I’m always so lonely when we’re apart. So, when we’re together… let me be spoiled. As much as I want.”
I wrapped my arms tight around her back. Tracing the faint outline of her shoulder blades with my palm, I clung, holding on.
“…Yeah, okay. I’ll spoil you all you want.”
A heated breath escaped against my earlobe. Nipped lightly, a shiver raced down my spine, and her left hand slipped into my loungewear, tracing gently along my side.
“Hey, Yui, san.”
“Mm? …What is it, Kanata?”
Propping herself up slightly to look at my face, I gently stroked her cheek with my palm.
I love you. I love you so much. Your eyes, your voice, your fingertips. I love every bit of you. I love you, I love you, unbearably.
Running my fingers gently through her glossy black hair — steadying the anxiety threatening to surface — I asked.
“Yui-san… are you, um, satisfied with me…?”
Yui-san blinked, wide-eyed, and tilted her head. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s just… I’m always the one being taken care of, so… I wondered if you’re actually satisfied, Yui-san.”
I don’t want you to think I’m boring. But I have no idea what to do about it. I don’t even know what the “right” answer looks like. Whatever you teach me is all I have to go on.
Watching my wavering, anxious eyes, Yui-san smiled, gentle.
“…What about you, Kanata? Are you satisfied, properly?”
“…It feels good. Every time.”
A little embarrassing, but I nodded, small, and answered, and Yui-san laughed, happy.
“Good. Then I’m satisfied too. Hey, Kanata. I really can’t wait any longer… can we keep going?”
Is she really satisfied? I hope it’s not just her being considerate. I wanted to ask more, make sure — but my beloved girlfriend, apparently unable to “wait” any further, looked down at me, heated.
Like a big dog wagging its tail. Well — dog, or, at this point, more like a wolf.
So I gave in, and looked steadily back into her eyes.
“Um… please don’t be too mean, okay? When you’re mean to me, Yui-san, it does something strange to me.”
Bashful, saying that, Yui-san’s eyes went wide for a moment.
Then she drew a deep breath, like she was holding something back, and let it out, slow.
“…Kanata. If you want me to be gentle, please, stop provoking me like that.”
“…I’m not trying to provoke you, you know.”
I’d just said what I was thinking. Yui-san laughed, wry, and buried her face against my neck, sighing.
“Not even realizing it — that’s genuinely the worst kind…”
Hearing her say that, my lips pursed, displeased.
“Is that an insult?”
“No way. It means you’re too cute for your own good.”
Just be quiet now, Yui-san said, sealing my lips with her own. Accepting her heated kiss, I felt my thoughts dissolving, melting away — and I closed my eyes, tight.
＊＊＊
I woke to the alarm’s blaring shriek. Half-consciously reaching overhead to slap it silent, a pale arm reached out from behind and pulled my body into a tight embrace.
“Nnh…”
A faint groan sounded from behind, and consciousness slowly returned. Turning just my head, Yui-san’s shoulder came into view, still holding me. Turning within her arms, I faced her properly.
Long lashes still lowered, my beloved girlfriend still peacefully asleep, and I smiled, small. Still an infuriatingly beautiful face. I could watch it forever.
In the narrow single bed, we lay pressed close, still bare. Pressing my lips to the red, swollen bite mark on her shoulder, the arm around me tightened, even harder.
I wish I could do something about this biting habit. I always mean to be careful, but once I’m pushed to the edge, I lose all sense and end up doing it anyway.
It would be sad, if Yui-san ever said, “sex with you hurts, I don’t want it.” So next time, for real, I need to actually hold back.
Thinking that, Yui-san’s long lashes fluttered, and she blinked, slow, a few times.
“Mm… morning, Kanata. Were you awake…?”
“Morning. I just woke up too.”
“Any time before you have to head out…?”
“Yes. My plans with Yuuri aren’t until the afternoon.”
Told that, Yui-san smiled, soft and happy.
“Then let’s sleep a little longer, together.”
I nodded, small, and, wrapped in her warm arms, closed my eyes and nestled in close. I could hear her steady, even breathing.
In a little while, I’ll slip out of bed first and make breakfast for Yui-san.
Saturday and Sunday mornings, getting to see your sleeping face — it always fills me with happiness.
*
Next month, Yui-san’s twenty-sixth birthday is coming. I want to celebrate it with everything I have, pouring in four years’ worth of feeling.
The promise we made back in college — this year, at last, I can finally keep it.
Hugging her body tight, just as I felt myself drifting back toward sleep too, a phone buzzed against the pillow. Long enough that I realized — it was a call.
Yuuri, maybe? I reached out, groping blind, and grabbed the phone, lifting it.
“Ah…”
The one buzzing wasn’t my phone. On the screen, displayed, was the one name I least wanted to see.
—Kitagami Shinji.
Something clenched, tight, painful, in my chest. Not noticing at all, apparently, Yui-san slept on, and while I hesitated over whether to say “it’s ringing,” the phone had already gone silent.
Reality came crashing back. Right. Yui-san’s still engaged to him. Whether she’d even be able to spend her birthday with me — I don’t actually know.
Setting the phone gently down, I let out a small breath.
Spring is still so far off.
Her father might understand, but what does he actually think? Can you really let go, that easily, of someone you’ve been engaged to for eight years?
Yui-san had told me, “don’t worry about Shinji” — but not worrying about it is, no matter what, genuinely hard.
Knowing Yui-san, there must be some plan behind all of this.
—All I can do, right now, is trust her.
Telling myself that, quiet, in my heart, I hugged her body close, tight, tight.