Episode 39 (Maria’s POV): Things That Change, Things I Want to Stay the Same
Riri’s palm, holding onto mine, feels strangely cold — or maybe that’s just because my own body’s running hot.
The gap in our temperatures feels like it’s mirroring the gap in our feelings, and it makes me want to cry.
“Weird seeing you with a fever, Maria.”
“…Yeah.”
I’ve almost never gotten sick, not since I was little. I make a point of managing my health thoroughly.
If I lose even one day to illness, whatever lessons or studying I miss have to get pushed to another day. Living on as packed a schedule as I do, that’s exactly the kind of thing I want to avoid.
Right before we reached the nurse’s office, I stopped and pulled at Riri’s hand.
Because the moment we go in, Riri’s definitely going to leave right away.
There’s no way our luck would somehow have the school nurse absent — not at a school like ours.
“Maria?”
Riri tilted her head. Her hair swayed, and that unfamiliar scent drifted up again.
Cute.
—Why does Riri have to be this cute?
I wish she weren’t this cute. If she weren’t, maybe she’d still only have me.
Of course I love Riri’s face. But honestly, whatever Riri looked like, it wouldn’t matter to me at all.
I love Riri’s very existence. I want to do everything for her, want to make her mine.
I wanted to treasure her, cherish her like something precious, keep her locked away in a jewelry box meant only for me.
“…Riri’s…”
“Hm?”
“…You don’t need me anymore, do you?”
Plop.
A single tear spilled from my eye, wetting the floor.
It wouldn’t stop, and I ended up sinking down right there onto the ground.
Maybe “Riri can’t do without me” was a lie from the very start. Maybe it was just me who needed Riri all along.
It’s lonely.
Riri becoming independent. Riri drifting away from me.
Lonely, sad, frustrating — I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.
“That’s not true at all.”
Riri crouched down and peered into my face. Her eyes sparkled like jewels.
“I need you, Maria.”
“…But.”
Oh, this is no good. The tears won’t stop. I want to believe her, want to smile and say thank you, but words alone aren’t enough to make me believe it.
If I ever become a burden to her, my whole reason for existing disappears completely.
I was supposed to be, to Riri, “the childhood friend who does everything for her, the one she can rely on.”
“…Listen, Maria. It’s true I’ve changed, and maybe that’s made you feel lonely. But it’s also true that you matter to me, that I love you… and from here on, I want to become someone you can rely on too.”
Stop. Don’t smile with a voice I don’t recognize, a face I don’t recognize.
I hate myself for not being able to celebrate my childhood friend’s growth. How small, how narrow-hearted can I be?
“…So, I want to properly take in how you’re feeling right now too, Maria.”
Taking a small breath, Riri gently pulled me into a hug.
“Hey, Maria. Want to skip school together, just the two of us, right now?”
—Ah.
Riri’s become someone who can even suggest something like that now.
She’s probably going to keep changing, from here on.
Probably in whatever direction she wants.
Even so, I…
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
—I still want to stay by Riri’s side, no matter what comes next.