Episode 85: This Year, We’re Leaving It to Father Christmas

By mid-December, the temperature plummets sharply at night, and you can truly feel winter’s arrival on your skin.

Friday night.

I watch Yui-san with just my eyes as she fills the humidifier with water, wrapped in a blanket on the sofa. When the season for heating arrives, the air inevitably becomes dry. As this is a time when colds are common, Yui-san, in her responsible position, was always careful about managing her health.
　Having spent so much time with her, I too take several times more care than I did during my student days.

As the season changed, Yui-san’s loungewear had quietly shifted from simple T-shirts to hoodies.

This morning’s news featured a weather forecaster predicting a colder winter than usual this year.
Even with the heating on, I doubt I could survive this harsh winter in just shorts and a blanket.

“Hey, Yui. Is it alright if I turn the heating up a bit?”

I asked her this after she’d finished filling the humidifier and was making me hot milk in the kitchen.

“Oh, were you cold? Of course, go ahead. Sorry I didn’t notice.”

She said this, lowering her eyebrows apologetically. No, no, I shook my head and turned the heating up just one notch.

　Yui-san is kind, so she’s always the first to say “sorry” in situations like this, but there’s no need for apologies. It’s just my fault for dressing too lightly.
With a soft beep, a warm gust of air surged from the air conditioner vent, filling the room.

　”Here,” she said, handing me a mug. “Thank you,” I replied, accepting it. Yui slid in behind me and gently hugged me close, as if to warm my body.
Feeling the warmth against my back, I sipped from the mug. A faintly sweet taste of honey.

“We really ought to get some winter loungewear. My sweatshirt’s a bit too big for you.”

　I hadn’t felt the need to replace my loungewear, thinking the air conditioning would keep me warm enough even in winter, but it had definitely started to feel a bit chilly.
Yui and I have different leg lengths, so while I could borrow her tops, her bottoms probably wouldn’t work. I’d likely end up tripping over the hem.
I really ought to get some new loungewear soon. If I caught a cold, it would be a bother for her.

“With the winter bonus coming up, I think I’ll buy some new loungewear. Yui-san must have given me a high rating, so I’m looking forward to the twenty-fifth.”

“Hehe, yes, you should. You can definitely look forward to the winter bonus.”

I’d meant it as a joke, but I was secretly a little surprised that Yui-san had apparently given me a genuinely high rating.
　The summer bonus had also made me gasp when I saw the statement… but given how well the company’s doing, it looks like my pockets will be warm this winter too.

“Come to think of it, is your bonus in winter too, Yui-san?”

“No, mine’s in spring. It’s a performance-linked bonus just once. So next year should be promising. I’ll make the most of it and go travelling, spending it all. It’s still a way off, but I’m looking forward to it.”

　Yui-san smiled as she said this.
Well then, I’ll take her up on that offer for spring, but Christmas is my turn since I get the bonus.
It’s quite possible Yui-san’s monthly salary is far higher than my bonus, but that’s beside the point.

I persuaded her to let me pay for her birthday, but normally she dislikes me reaching for my wallet, so events like this are where I get to step up.

　Besides, Yui-san genuinely treasures and uses the presents I give her for a long time, which makes choosing them all the more worthwhile for me.

Even now, she wears the blue checked scarf I gave her back in our student days – me being her very own Santa. When I noticed it as the chill set in, it tickled my heart.

　So this year too, I must be Yui-san’s Santa again.

If I could wish for anything, it would be that at least Christmas Eve fell on a holiday.
From Christmas through to New Year, both the restaurant business and the accommodation business – our main revenue streams – are peak season. Yui-san is in constant demand for meetings and consultations, busier than ever, needing all the help she can get.

　Appointment requests came flying in one after another, relentlessly, so I had a real struggle fitting everything into her schedule like a game of Tetris.
I could feel the frantic atmosphere of people rushing about throughout the entire office.

In such circumstances, I couldn’t possibly take time off work, and if we could manage a date after work, that would be absolutely splendid. I couldn’t very well be selfish with her in such a responsible position.
Last year, the year before that, and the year before that too. Compared to spending Christmas alone, just being able to spend it together made me feel perfectly happy.

After placing my mug on the coffee table, I picked up the remote and leaned back.

　Then, a mischievous palm slipped beneath the blanket and gently stroked the sensitive edge of my chilled inner thigh.
Startled, I instinctively smacked the hand and spun around.

“Yui-san, really! Please don’t touch me in strange places.”

“Sorry, sorry. I thought your legs might be cold.”

　To Yui-san, it was probably just light physical contact, but when that hand carelessly touched such a sensitive spot, it made me feel strange, so I was always on edge.

The scolded hand slowly crawled out from under the blanket and instead hugged my body tightly once more.

Regaining my composure, I chose the film we’d watch today. Repeating weekends like this so many times, it was already becoming our everyday routine.
　Our weekend living room, filled with countless moments of happiness, was where we watched films while chatting about trivial things, laughing at the ticklish sensation of lips touching my cheek and neck again and again.

“Let’s finish work on time and go on a date, Christmas Eve.”

It seemed Yui-san had been thinking the same thing after all. I nodded, “Mm-hmm,” and squeezed her hand, which had slipped around my waist.

“I’d like to go see the illuminations.”

“Alright, let’s go. What would you like as a present?”

“What would be nice, I wonder?”

“Anything? Jewellery? A bag?”

I’d already received jewellery, and the bag I had was perfectly adequate. Yui-san had a tendency to spoil people, so I knew from past experience that I had to be careful what I said in situations like this, or things could get out of hand.

“Ah, well then… loungewear, perhaps?”

“Loungewear?”

She nodded in response to Yui’s questioning look. Then, from behind, came a dissatisfied “Ehh?”

“I’d buy you that even if it wasn’t Christmas. Surely there’s something else? Something you want?”

Loungewear isn’t exactly cheap either. Yui-san buys things she likes without hesitation, regardless of price, but she’s not the type to waste money.
I think she’s quite good with money, but when it comes to me, I feel I lack a bit of restraint. When she buys me so many things so readily, I feel terribly guilty.

“Hmm… I wonder what.”

Neither Yui nor I are particularly materialistic. We’re both the type to value the sentiment behind things more than anything else… and I think that’s especially true for Yui.
The paper bags from all the presents Kitakami-san has given her since university still sit unopened, piled up in her wardrobe.

　The accessories from that brand Kitakami-san always gives Yui are all utterly charming.
Yet Yui stubbornly refuses to wear them. For her, it seems the value lies not in the object itself.

I understand that feeling perfectly. After all, I’d be genuinely delighted with anything Yui gave me.

“Well then… this year, I’ll leave it to Father Christmas.”

As I turned, intertwining my fingers with hers, Yui gave a soft, gentle smile.

“Is that so? All right. I’ll tell Father Christmas then. To prepare the perfect present for you, Kanata, who’s been such a good girl this year.”

“Hehe, thank you.”

I leaned in, wanting a kiss. Yui-san responded with a gentle kiss, so I felt happy and rubbed against her neck.

My body, which should have been cold, had somehow become completely warm.

Once Christmas passed, the end of the year arrived in a flash. This year, I was going back to London for the holidays, so I planned to take a slightly longer break right after finishing work.

　I wouldn’t see Yui for about a week. It would be lonely, but I had to go. There was something I needed to tell my family.

I hadn’t yet told Yui that I was planning to tell my parents I wanted to be with a woman.
But I intended to tell her before I left.

Yui would surely say I didn’t necessarily have to tell my parents, that I shouldn’t force myself.
Yet, strangely, I felt no anxiety about telling them.

Until Japanese law changes, we cannot marry. I cannot hold my own child.
Even so, I want to tell my family clearly, in my own words, that I am happy.

I fell in love with a woman. If asked whether that means I was homosexual all along, probably not.
If then asked whether I am bisexual, that feels a little off too.

Even now, I still don’t quite understand how I should be categorised.
　I probably never will, not for the foreseeable future. But I thought that was fine. It didn’t need a name.

It’s not for anyone else to decide. It’s for me to decide.

The only answer within me is the fact that I love Yui with all my heart.

＊＊＊

Monday. Feeling the crisp winter air on my cheeks, I walk along a road lined with bare, leafless trees.
　Along the way, I bumped into Mitsuya-san. She had pulled the collar of her black coat up, rubbing her hands together and breathing out white clouds of breath, looking cold.

“Good morning, Mitsuya-san.”

“Good morning, Aosawa-chan. It’s cold again today, isn’t it?”

Mitsuya-san smiled broadly, the tip of her nose slightly red. Come to think of it, had there been any progress with her love life since then?
　I thought I’d ask. As I moved closer, just close enough for our shoulders to touch, I caught a floral scent – one I’d smelt somewhere before. It was the scent of women’s perfume.

I’d always thought Mitsuya-san, like me, wasn’t one for wearing perfume. Had her feelings changed?

“Oh, Mitsuya-san. Are you wearing perfume today, by any chance?”

“Eh?”

　Mitsuya-san recoiled in surprise, her eyes darting around, so I tilted my head in puzzlement.

“Ah, um, sorry, is it that noticeable?”

“Why are you apologising? It smells lovely. What perfume is it?”

I’d meant it as a casual remark, but Mitsuya-san just laughed awkwardly, saying, “Well… I can’t quite remember.”

I hear that around the end of autumn, my successor was finally assigned to the Budget Management Department.
I wanted to ask about that too, but as soon as Mitsuya-san arrived at the company, she waved at me as if fleeing and hurried off.
I missed my chance to ask about the outcome of her romance too… but never mind, there’ll be another opportunity.
She must have been busy, so I reluctantly headed for the president’s office myself.

　Yui-san was scheduled to attend an all-day management training session for executives, heading straight to the holding company’s headquarters building and returning home directly afterwards, so the president’s office was empty.

　I’d better knock out some simple tasks while Yui-san is away. Yesterday, she’d asked me to have the minutes from the recent board meeting bound.
Yui-san had already reviewed the minutes received from the board secretariat beforehand, so all that remained was to bind them and get the signatures and seals from each director, including Yukiyasu-san… She’d said she wanted them prepared in advance because she was planning to visit Yukiyasu-san’s company tomorrow and could take them along then.

　When I switched on my PC, several emails had arrived. I’d start by checking my messages. Just as my gaze slid over the inbox, my heart leapt as if seized.

“…Why…”

My lips trembled, and the words slipped out. Only the sound of my breathing echoed in the deathly quiet president’s office.

　At the very top of the inbox sat an email from a sender I’d never received one from before. The time stamp showed this morning.

The sender’s name was — Kitakami Shinji.

Why, I wondered, when we hadn’t even exchanged business cards? But it was simple.
Using the employee search function on the group’s shared intranet, finding an email address was easy.

With trembling hands, I clicked on the received email.

—Good work today. I need to speak with you. I’ll be waiting at this hotel’s bar lounge at 19:00 tonight. It’s work-related, so I absolutely need you to come. Keep it from Yui. Cheers.

The email contained a URL for the hotel. It wasn’t our hotel — meaning, despite claiming it was work, he wanted to discuss something he didn’t want anyone else to hear.
This was clearly a personal message. It didn’t look anything like a business email.

What should I do? Should I tell Yui-san? Or not? I’m torn. I sighed, ‘Hmph,’ and instinctively pressed my fingers to my forehead.

I knew it. Back then, I’d vaguely sensed it, but — nine times out of ten, Kitakami-san has noticed our relationship.

I clutched the necklace at my throat. It’s alright. There’s no need to be afraid. I mustn’t run away. I have to stay strong.

　I knew from the start that a day like this would come.
I simply couldn’t wait those few months until spring.
Even knowing our relationship wasn’t permitted yet, I still wanted her love, right now, immediately.

Back then, I resolved to accept all the guilt and punishment.

Now, at this point — I won’t back down.