Episode 51
“Here’s your towel. Use whatever shampoo you like.”
“Okay…”
Fujishiro pushed me toward the bathroom and I found myself shut inside the changing room.
A strange feeling.
That staying over at Fujishiro’s had come to feel this ordinary was strange in itself.
I sank into a bathtub without a speck of dirt in it.
My body warmed slowly, and drowsiness crept in.
A different sensation from being in the water in that dream earlier.
Warm, and it made me want to stay here forever.
Ah, so this was why I hadn’t wanted to stay over.
Somewhere in my heart, I’d known it would come to this.
I’m always searching for somewhere my heart can rest.
Always looking for somewhere I belong.
And now that a place that fits has appeared, I’m clinging to it.
“Fujishiro, idiot…”
I wish she wouldn’t teach me strange things.
All I need from her is studying.
Nothing else.
My head had gone fuzzy, and feeling like I might get lightheaded, I got out of the bath.
I put on my own pyjamas and stepped out of the changing room, and Fujishiro came pattering over, reaching for my wet hair.
“Want me to dry it?”
“Eh…”
“Come here.”
Fujishiro pulled hard on my arm and forced me to sit down on the floor.
She sat on the bed behind me and started blowing the hairdryer over my hair.
Being touched this carefully by her made me uncomfortable, so I snatched the hairdryer away from her. She looked genuinely stunned.
“I can do it myself.”
“I was drying the puppy’s hair after her bath and everything.”
“Never mind that, go take your bath already.”
“Yes, yes.”
Fujishiro looked as pleased with herself as ever, and headed off to the bathroom, pattering away.
Alone in the room, I dried my hair slowly.
My damp hair grew light in no time, smooth and pleasant to the touch.
I sat with my knees pulled up, waiting in the room, and a girl with damp, gleaming hair came back inside.
Fujishiro, in pyjamas, sat down beside me and reached for the hairdryer, but before turning it on, she looked over at me.
“Won’t Morishita dry it for me?”
“Why would I have to dry it?”
“Aww, I want you to.”
Today she was being an even more spoiled young lady than usual.
Why would anyone want someone else to do something they can perfectly well do themselves?
Fujishiro’s feelings are a genuine mystery to me.
I pushed her face back firmly.
“Do it yourself.”
“Shame.”
The whirring sound of the hairdryer filled the room.
Every time Fujishiro’s hair lifted and floated, a sweet floral scent drifted toward my nose, and my head went slightly dizzy.
Once, borrowing one of her shoujo manga, I’d read a line describing something as “a dangerous scent,” a phrase I hadn’t understood the meaning of at the time. For a moment I thought, maybe this is what that meant.
Because her hair was long, it took Fujishiro quite a while to dry, and once the hairdryer stopped, her hair fell straight and smooth.
Maybe because it was dry now, her hair shone a brighter chestnut brown than usual.
I felt an urge to touch it, but I clenched my fist tight and hid my hand against my own body instead.
“Well then, let’s study until we get sleepy?”
“Okay.”
It was still only eight, and yet my body was warm and heavy, and watching Fujishiro yawn sleepily made the drowsiness catch on me too.
If I ended up living in the same prefecture as Fujishiro, would she still meet up with me the same way she does now?
Or would she make new friends at university and forget I even exist?
…That would be… unpleasant.
Wait, why was I even thinking about this when I haven’t even passed the exam yet.
First things first, I need to study for the test that’s coming up soon.
I’ll think about what comes after once I’ve actually passed.
I resolved to focus and study properly.
I studied, and every so often, when I got curious, I glanced sideways, and Fujishiro had a serious expression fixed on her materials, which made me hurry to turn back to my own.
Even so, whenever my concentration slipped, I found myself watching her without meaning to, and eventually she seemed to notice my gaze and looked over at me.
The moment our eyes met, she gave me a soft, gentle smile.
“Bored of studying?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“My test is closer than yours, so I need to work harder, right?”
“That’s true.”
“It’s September, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So it’s right after summer break ends.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll help as much as I can.”
Why?
Why does Fujishiro go this far for me?
Because I might be the kind of person who could end up killing her?
Because I’m a convenient match for filling each other’s loneliness?
Because I’d get swept along by her momentum and end up doing whatever she says anyway?
Fujishiro’s unconditional kindness felt too opaque, too unreadable, and unease kept building in me over it.
With that unsettled feeling still sitting heavy in my chest, all I could do was keep working through past exam papers.
No matter how rough or unsettled my feelings, time passed as it always does, and it became time to sleep.
Of course, tomorrow we’d study together again too.
I felt happy about that.
“Haah, guess it’s about time to sleep.”
Fujishiro, apparently having reached her own limit, stretched and leaned back against the bed.
I mimicked her, leaning back too, staring up at the ceiling.
Gazing blankly at something inanimate is easy, it lets me think about nothing at all. But then something came flying at me that disturbed my carefully settled feelings.
“Morishita, let’s sleep together.”
“I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“I won’t allow that.”
“Why do I have to sleep with Fujishiro?”
“What’s wrong with it, exactly? Is there something improper about us sleeping together?”
Something caught sharply in my throat, and I couldn’t say anything back.
Fujishiro was right.
Being self-conscious about it here was the strange thing to do.
I closed my mouth and climbed into the bed ahead of her.
My heart, which should have been moving slow and sleepy, started pounding hard.
The room’s light went out, and Fujishiro climbed into the bed too.
She shifted around behind my back, restless, and it made me uncomfortable.
Fujishiro closed the distance and spoke to me.
“Morishita, face this way?”
“Why?”
“Might as well hug while we sleep.”
“What? Why?”
It made no sense.
I wished she’d stop saying things this incomprehensible, disturbing my head any further.
Against my own feelings, Fujishiro grabbed the hem of my clothes and tugged weakly.
“I worked hard on dinner today, I want a reward…”
The words themselves were exactly the kind of thing Fujishiro would normally say.
But her voice was shaking, hoarse, and even just from the sound of it, I could tell something like anxiety was underneath it.
I thought about it, turned it over carefully, and decided that ignoring her here felt like the one choice I shouldn’t make, so I turned my body to face her.
In the dark, our eyes met, and I wanted to look away.
Fujishiro’s eyes were clear, unclouded.
Eyes with none of the guilt I always carry in mine.
Being looked at with eyes like that made me feel accused somehow, and it left an unpleasant feeling.
But Fujishiro moved freely, paying no attention to that, and before I knew it I’d been turned into her hugging pillow.
“Morishita, caught you.”
“Hot, let go.”
“You say hot, but your body’s cold?”
Fujishiro was quick with her words and had already blocked off my escape. Having fallen neatly into her trap, there was nowhere left for me to run.
“Ahaha. Morishita’s kind.”
“I’m not kind. You’re the one who forced your way over here.”
“True. Anyway, how was today?”
Asked how it was, I didn’t know how to answer.
It had been more enjoyable than an ordinary day out with friends, or going to school to study.
More than anything, I’d gotten to eat until I was completely full.
…I really am a cheap person, feeling happy over something that small.
But no matter how pathetic I felt, that wasn’t a reason not to say thank you.
To cover my embarrassment, I hugged Fujishiro tight enough to crush her. Her frail body felt like it might snap in two, and she’d been letting out strained, pained sounds for a while now.
“C, can’t breathe.”
“Fujishiro, the food was good. Thank you—”
Having properly said what I felt, relief washed over me, and the strength drained from my body.
Fujishiro shifted and looked up at my face.
“Was it really good?”
“There’s no point lying here.”
“I see. Good.”
She rubbed her forehead happily against my shoulder, pleased. But after a while she went still, breathing deeply, repeatedly. Then she slowly lifted her face and looked at me again.
Her eyes weren’t quite the same as the clear, straightforward eyes from a moment ago, this time there was something clouded in them.
Wondering what was wrong, I stared at her, and Fujishiro’s cherry-blossom lips moved slowly.
“I worked hard, so give me my reward.”
“Isn’t Fujishiro asking for an awful lot?”
I’d said all she needed was for me to turn and face her, so what more could she possibly want?
“Then there’s something I want to check, Morishita, stay still.”
“Still…?”
Before I could refuse, Fujishiro’s face was right in front of mine.
Wait…?
Something soft spread across my lips.
In front of me, Fujishiro had her eyes barely open, gazing at me with a hollow, unfocused look, and my heart began pounding loudly.
I pushed against her shoulder, but Fujishiro held the arm wrapped around my back tight and wouldn’t let go.
She kept gently biting my lips over and over, tracing the wet heat of her mouth over them.
Why hadn’t I refused?
An act like this would only make our already shapeless relationship even harder to define.
Stirring it up, breaking it, scattering it into pieces…
Frightening, and yet a curiosity to press further rose in me too.
The time spent with our lips together wasn’t an unpleasant time.
Fujishiro’s tongue traced clumsily inside my mouth.
A faint, sensual sound spread between us, our breaths colliding, and neither of us slowed.
Fujishiro kept holding me tight, refusing to let go.
My heart felt close to breaking, and I forced her away.
My breathing was ragged, my shoulders rising and falling.
Fujishiro’s breath was just as disturbed, her eyes still dazed.
Reason gradually returned, and reflecting on what we’d just done, I realised it hadn’t been good, and glared at her.
“What was that all of a sudden?”
“No, sorry…”
“Don’t apologise if you’re going to do it in the first place.”
I didn’t understand why Fujishiro had suddenly done something like that.
Curiosity?
Because she thought treating me carelessly would be fine?
More than anything, what I couldn’t understand was my own feelings.
Why hadn’t I refused Fujishiro?
There’d been plenty of chances to refuse.
Why had I accepted the kiss with Fujishiro?
Ugh, enough.
I didn’t want to think about anything anymore.
I closed my eyes just like that.
I’d sleep quickly and forget about it.
But of course, on nights like this, sleep flees somewhere far away.
I had no choice but to spend that night lying there with my eyes shut, pretending to be asleep.