Episode 17: Even Women Should Pursue Love Seriously

After returning to Japan, I resumed our weekend film-watching habit, and one evening I slipped between those legs for the first time in ages.

“What shall we watch tonight?”

“Hmm… what do you fancy?”

Her arm wrapped around my waist squeezed me tight, making it a little uncomfortable. When I pinched her hand in protest, she hugged me even tighter.

　Just as I was about to complain, I felt lips pressed against the nape of my neck peeking out from my T-shirt. My throat, which had been trying to form words, made a sharp hissing sound instead.

Admittedly, it was me who had slipped into her arms for a hug.

But I never said I wanted it to go this far.

“Yui-san, just… it tickles. Hey…!”

“Oh? So you’re ticklish around the neck too, Kanata?”

Was this payback for rejecting her kiss earlier? Ignoring my protests, she kissed behind my ear too, sending a shiver through my body.

This was clearly beyond the bounds of senior-junior camaraderie. It was lover’s intimacy.

“Yui-san, seriously…!”

“What is it?”

“It tickles, I tell you.”

“It’s not your lips, you know. You could let me get away with this much.”

A slightly dissatisfied voice came from behind me. As expected, she seemed to still be holding a grudge about me refusing her kiss.

When she gently swept my long hair to one side and pressed her lips to the nape of my neck, I felt like crying.

It was so embarrassing that I reacted so strongly, simply because she was touching places I was rarely touched at all.

“If you’re going to keep playing pranks like this, I don’t need to watch the film anymore…”

“That won’t do. I’ve been looking forward to watching it together for ages.”

Noticing me struggling to free myself from the arm around my waist, Yui-san stopped her mischief with surprising abruptness.
Feeling her chin rest on my shoulder, I finally relaxed and leaned back into her embrace.

“Then why did you do this…?”

“Because I find you utterly adorable.”

Hearing that, I was at a loss for words.

The word ‘adorable’ carries many meanings.

“…Yui, do you really like me that much?”

I didn’t ask because I truly believed it. But because I couldn’t fathom her feelings at all, the words slipped out before I could stop them.

　Whether she behaved similarly when alone with someone else was something I’d never know unless I asked a woman connected to Yui-san.

I didn’t think she disliked me. But I couldn’t flatter myself into thinking I was the only one she particularly liked either.

Wanting to grasp even a hint of her emotional subtlety, I turned my head back.
Our eyes met, and Yui-san looked at me with wide, puzzled eyes.

“Yes, I like you.”

My heart nearly stopped when she said it so matter-of-factly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Right, that’s the sort of person she is. I wanted to bury my face in my hands.

There was no point in confirming it with words. I should have known.

“I always tell you you’re special, don’t I?”

Indeed, I’d been told I was special at every opportunity, spoken to with indulgent kindness.

Her words were always so pleasant to hear; only Yui-san knew what she truly meant.

The troubling thing about this person, Ichinose Yui, was that I couldn’t shake the feeling she might say the same thing to anyone.

“…You also said you wouldn’t have a lover, didn’t you?”

It seemed odd to me. If you liked someone, wouldn’t you wish to be their lover?

I recalled memories of past confessions. After the words “I like you,” “Please go out with me” almost always followed.

Though not quite like Hayakawa-kun’s recent confession, which is still fresh in my memory, Yui-san’s words feel as light as feathers compared to the directness of his.

Yui-san’s “I like you” carries no further meaning, no implication of a relationship.

Whether it’s love, or like, or neither, I cannot tell.

　The words of affection thrown at me felt almost like violence – one-sided, irresponsible. She seemed intent only on unsettling my heart, with no intention whatsoever of taking responsibility.

“You’re straight, Kanata, so why worry about that? We’re both girls, so it’s fine, isn’t it?”

In other words, Yui-san’s argument was this:

　—Because I’m straight… meaning heterosexual, she assumes I’d never want to date or be in a romantic relationship with someone of the same sex like her. So she feels free to say things like I’m special, cute, she likes me, or wants to kiss me, without a second thought.

“…Does gender matter? Even between women, you should be able to have a serious romantic relationship.”

Staring straight into those jet-black eyes, I stated it plainly. Yui looked startled.

“…………………”

We stared at each other in silence for a moment. Had I said something that strange?

“Um… is my way of thinking… odd?”

“Eh? Ah, no, it’s not that…”

She was unusually hesitant for Yui, and I wondered if I’d been a bit too harsh.

　Admittedly, what I’d just said sounded like I was blaming Yui for always playing around.

There might be some reason, some unavoidable circumstance, that made her become this kind of woman who plays the field so much.

But — she had a girlfriend before, didn’t she? She liked that person, didn’t she? She was devoted to her, wasn’t she?

Then why? Why don’t you want to ‘date’ me?

　You say I’m special, but the fact that there was someone more special to you than me makes me furious. It feels like defeat, and it’s bitterly frustrating.

Even if you did ask me out, I still don’t know if I could actually date a woman.

The person who turned high school Yui-san’s values upside down. I know it’s pointless to be angry at someone from the past.

　Then I want you to prove I’m special by doing something only university-aged Yui can do, something only for me.

“…Yui-san?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever been to a fireworks display with a lover?”

I want to know how you spent time with a lover, not just a playmate, back when you were in high school.

She pouts slightly, pinching the fingertips of the hand loosely wrapped around her waist in a sulky manner.

“…No, I haven’t. Not at all.”

Seeing Yui smile a little awkwardly, I instinctively knew: ah, she doesn’t want to be asked that.

“Hmm… Have you already forgotten the promise you made to take me?”

“Of course not. I haven’t forgotten. Next Saturday, let’s go see the fireworks together.”

“…I’m working until evening on Saturday, so please come and pick me up.”

“Yeah, of course.”

There were mountains of things I wanted to do before summer ended.

Summer certainly comes every year, but this very moment, this summer we’re spending together, will never come again.

I picked up the remote and chose a film I wanted to watch without asking Yui for her opinion.
I love this time spent wrapped up in a blanket, snuggled close, exchanging opinions about this and that, just relaxing.

“About what we were saying earlier… Kanata, you see—”

“What is it?”

“Would you be okay if I had a girlfriend?”

A question like a bomb hit me, and I thought, Oh, am I going to die?
My heart ached so badly it felt like it was being squeezed, and I genuinely thought she was being cruel to ask something like that.

I should be taking love seriously, yet I fear her heart might turn towards someone else.

I know it’s contradictory.

‘I wouldn’t want a lover’ — what kind of hypocrite says that?

I turned to face Yui-san directly. I felt her arms release their hold on me, but I ignored it, staring intently into her eyes.

　Her calm, gentle black eyes, like the night sea, looked back at me.

It shouldn’t matter if Yui-san has a lover. After all, I’m not homosexual, I’ve never been in love with a woman, and it’s impossible for me to ever be in that kind of relationship with her.

So, perhaps I should state it clearly here, I thought. It’s the perfect opportunity to properly reassess our relationship. I took a deep breath.

　I needed to set things straight. You and I are senior and junior. Nothing more.

Yui-san has a girlfriend? Well, that’s—

“Absolutely not.”

Staring straight at Yui-san, the words slipped out before my mind could catch them, as if they’d leapt from my heart.

　Huh, what did I just say…?

Before I could even process the words I’d blurted out, Yui burst out laughing.

“Hmm, yeah, that’s right. It’s fine. I’ll definitely never get a girlfriend, so don’t worry.”

She pulled me close, wrapping her arms tightly around my waist. I hurriedly pushed her shoulders away.

“No, that’s a misunderstanding, what I just said—”

“Honestly, you’re adorable. That side of you is irresistible.”

She hugged me so tightly it hurt. I couldn’t take back the words I’d spoken, and I could feel my face growing red.

Yui-san was smiling so genuinely, it drained the venom from me, and the strength left my body.

“…Fireworks. Looking forward to them, aren’t we?”

Her gentle whisper at my ear bound me. Ah, whatever happens, happens, I murmured inside.

If only things were simpler.

If only you weren’t such a complicated puzzle.

If only you were someone who could just say they liked me straight out.

Then maybe I could have said I liked you more easily too.