Episode Seventeen: Women Should Take Their Relationships With Each Other Seriously Too
Back in Japan now, our weekend movie habit picked right back up, and the first night I curled into my usual spot between her legs after so long, felt like coming home too.
“What are we watching tonight?”
“Hm, what do you want to watch?”
The arm around my waist squeezed, tight enough it was almost uncomfortable, and I pinched her hand in protest — which only made her hold me tighter.
Just as I opened my mouth to complain, I felt lips press against the side of my neck, right where my T-shirt collar left it bare, and whatever I’d meant to say caught in my throat with a small, strangled sound.
It was true, I’m the one who’d crawled into her arms wanting a hug in the first place.
But I never once asked for this much.
“Yui-san, that’s… a little ticklish. Hey…!”
“Huh, so your neck’s sensitive too.”
Maybe out of leftover spite from me turning down that kiss earlier, she ignored my protest entirely and kissed just behind my ear too, and my whole body shivered.
This had clearly gone well past ordinary senior-junior skinship. This was lover territory.
“Yui-san, seriously…!”
“What?”
“It’s ticklish.”
“It’s not your lips, so this much should be fine, right?”
Her voice from behind me sounded faintly put out. Just as I’d suspected — she was still holding a grudge over the rejected kiss.
She brushed my long hair gently to one side, and by the time her lips pressed against the nape of my neck, I was nearly in tears.
Touched in places that almost never get touched normally, my body reacted more than I wanted, and the embarrassment was unbearable.
“If you’re going to keep pulling stunts like this, we’re not watching a movie at all…”
“No, that’s not allowed. I’ve been looking forward to watching together this whole time.”
Noticing me struggling to pry the arm off my waist, Yui-san let the teasing drop, easily, almost too easily.
I felt her chin settle onto my shoulder, and finally, I could relax and let my weight sink back against her.
“Then why are you doing this in the first place…”
“Because you’re unbearably cute.”
Said that plainly, I had no idea how to respond.
“Cute” carries so many different meanings.
“…Yui-san, do you actually like me that much?”
I hadn’t asked expecting a real answer, exactly. It was just that her feelings were so impossible to read that the question slipped out before I could stop it.
Whether she acts the same way with someone else, alone with them — that’s something I’d never know unless I actually asked one of the women she’s involved with.
I don’t think she dislikes me. But I can’t quite let myself believe I’m the only one she’s especially fond of, either.
Wanting to catch even the smallest hint of what she actually felt, I turned my head back to look at her.
Yui-san’s eyes went round, puzzled, meeting mine.
“Yeah, I like you.”
Said so simply, like it was obvious, that my heart nearly stopped.
Right — this is exactly who she is. I wanted to put my head in my hands.
There was no point confirming it in words. I already knew that.
“I always tell you you’re special, don’t I?”
It was true, she’d told me that, over and over, spoiling me with it every chance she got.
Everything this person says sounds wonderful to hear, and only Yui-san herself knows how much of it is actually true.
The fact that I can’t rule out her saying the exact same thing to everyone else — that’s the exhausting part about this person, Ichinose Yui.
“…You also said you don’t do girlfriends.”
It struck me as a strange thing to say. If you like someone, shouldn’t you want to be with them properly?
I thought back to every confession I’d gotten in the past. “I like you” was, almost every time, immediately followed by “will you go out with me?”
Hayakawa-kun’s confession, still fresh in memory, hadn’t gone quite that way either, but even set against how direct his words had been, Yui-san’s felt light as a feather by comparison.
Yui-san’s “I like you” never comes with any words after it. No relationship attached.
Whether it’s love, or like, or something that’s neither — I don’t know.
The affection she throws around feels, honestly, closer to a kind of one-sided, irresponsible violence. Stirring up someone’s heart with no intention whatsoever of taking responsibility for it.
“You’re straight anyway, so it shouldn’t matter to you either way, right? We’re both women, so it’s fine.”
Which is to say, her whole logic boils down to this —
Because I’m straight — because I’m not attracted to women — there’s no risk of me actually wanting to date her or fall for her, so she can say “you’re special” or “you’re cute” or “I like you” or “I want to kiss you” without a second thought.
“…Does gender even matter here? Women should take their relationships with each other seriously too.”
I said it, looking straight into those black eyes, and Yui-san’s face went openly startled.
“………………….”
We stared at each other in silence for a moment. Had I really said something that strange?
“Um… is that a weird way to think about it?”
“Huh? Ah, no, that’s not it, but…”
Unusually halting for Yui-san, and I thought — maybe I’d come down a little too hard.
It’s true, what I’d just said amounted to criticizing her for how casually she plays around.
Maybe there’s some real reason, something unavoidable, behind why she’d ended up someone who plays this hard with women.
But — she’d had a girlfriend once, hadn’t she. She’d genuinely liked that person, hadn’t she. Been devoted to her, hadn’t she.
Then why. Why won’t she consider being with me the same way?
She says I’m special, but the fact there’d been someone even more special to her once, in the past — it made me furious, honestly. Like I’d already lost. It stung.
Whether I could actually date a woman myself, even if she asked — I still don’t know.
Whoever it was that flipped Yui-san’s whole worldview upside down back in high school — I know there’s no point being angry at someone from the past.
But then, I want her to give me something only present-day, university-age Yui-san can give — something to prove I’m the special one, right here, right now.
“…Yui-san.”
“Hm?”
“Have you ever gone to a fireworks festival with a girlfriend?”
Not a playmate. A real girlfriend. I wanted to know how high-school Yui-san had spent time with someone she actually loved.
I pouted, just slightly, and pinched the fingers of the hand still loosely wrapped around my waist, sulking.
“…No, never, not once.”
Yui-san laughed, faintly troubled, and I understood instinctively — ah, this isn’t something she wants to talk about.
“Hmm… Did you already forget you promised to take me?”
“No way. I haven’t forgotten. Next Saturday, let’s go see the fireworks together.”
“…I’ve got a shift until evening on Saturday, so come pick me up.”
“Yeah, of course.”
There was so much I wanted to do before summer ended.
Summer comes again every year, sure, but this exact summer, spent together like this — it will never come again.
I grabbed the remote and picked out a movie myself, without bothering to ask her opinion.
Wrapped up together in a blanket, trading opinions back and forth about whatever we were watching — I love this quiet, unhurried time.
“About what I said earlier… Kanata.”
“What is it?”
“Would you be okay with it, if I had a girlfriend?”
The question dropped like a bomb, and I thought, ah, I think I might actually die.
My heart clenched that painfully, and I thought, honestly, what a cruel thing for this person to ask.
I’m the one who just said relationships between women should be taken seriously, and here I was, terrified of her feelings tipping toward someone else.
I know how contradictory that is.
I’d hate it if you had a girlfriend — as if I have any right at all to say something like that.
I turned to face her straight on. I felt the arm around me loosen, but I ignored it and just kept staring into her eyes.
Calm, kind, black eyes, like a nighttime sea, gazed back at me.
It shouldn’t matter to me at all if Yui-san had a girlfriend. Because I’m not gay, I’ve never once fallen for a woman, and there’s no way something like that could ever happen between us.
So I thought — maybe this was the moment to say it plainly. A perfect chance to reset the relationship properly. I took a deep breath.
I need to get this straight. You and I are senior and junior. Nothing more than that.
Whether Yui-san has a girlfriend or not — obviously that shouldn’t—
“I’d absolutely hate it.”
*
Looking straight at Yui-san, the words that slipped from my lips came out before thought could catch up, tumbling straight from somewhere deeper than reason.
Wait. What did I just say…?
Before I could even replay what I’d blurted out, Yui-san burst out laughing.
“Mm, yeah, I figured. Don’t worry, I’m never getting a girlfriend, so relax.”
She pulled me in close by the waist, and I scrambled to push at her shoulder.
“No, that’s not, that’s a misunderstanding, what I just said—”
“You’re really too cute. I can’t stand it, honestly.”
Held tight enough it was hard to breathe, I couldn’t take back what I’d already said, and I could feel my face going redder by the second.
Yui-san looked so genuinely happy, laughing like that, that all the fight drained right out of me, my whole body going slack.
“…I can’t wait for the fireworks.”
Whispered gently against my ear, and I gave in completely. Fine, whatever happens, happens, I thought to myself.
I wish it were simpler.
If, for instance, you weren’t such a complicated puzzle of a person.
If you were someone who could just tell me, straight, that you liked me.
Maybe then I could have told you, just as easily, that I liked you too.