Episode 38: Unstable
The tears welling in Honoka’s eyes looked, somehow, as if they might simply spill over into total collapse.
I did this to her.
Honoka was never someone this unstable, not originally—
“…Honoka.”
I brought my hand gently to her trembling cheek.
Her warmth passed through my fingertips. Even carrying that much heat, she was still shaking.
“I’ll always be right here beside you, Honoka.”
I stroked her back slowly.
As if holding her, as if reassuring her.
If I could be gentle like this, maybe it would ease her anxiety, even a little.
“…Really?”
Her voice came out hoarse.
There was something in it that sounded almost afraid to believe, almost doubtful.
“Really… only me?”
Honoka’s hand, gripping the sleeve of my uniform, was trembling.
As if she were confirming, no matter how tightly she held on, that I wouldn’t slip away.
“…That’s right.”
When I stroked her hair gently, her shoulders trembled, just slightly.
Little by little, she was starting to settle.
But even so, she still wasn’t entirely at ease.
“I’m sorry, Honoka.”
I whispered it softly against her ear.
“It’s my fault you ended up like this…”
“…That’s not true.”
Honoka shook her head, small.
“It’s not true… it’s not your fault, Yuna…”
But that was surely a lie.
I was the one who monopolized her, who bound her, who made her dependent on me.
And because of that, Honoka had become someone who needed only me so badly that being without me made her anxious.
“But Honoka… I loved the old you too.”
Even while I was busy binding her, she’d been kind, sociable, considerate of everyone around her.
That version of Honoka had saved me more times than I could count, back when we’d only just met.
That was exactly what I’d fallen for in the first place…
“So… I want the old Honoka back too.”
The moment I said it, her expression stiffened, just slightly.
“…The old me?”
“Yeah… not bound by anything, just being able to be together…”
Just as I started to say it, Honoka’s fingers twitched.
“…Can’t.”
Her face twisted all at once.
“There’s no way I can do that…!”
Her anguished voice squeezed at my heart.
“If I go back to how I was, you’ll go far away again, Yuna…!”
Honoka’s arms wrapped around me, tight.
As if trying to lock me in place, hard, harder still—
“Because if I let you go free, you’ll just leave again…”
Her voice trembled.
“You’ll leave me behind and get close to her again…! You’re going to abandon me, aren’t you…?”
That’s not true.
It isn’t true, and yet—
“I’d never do that…”
I said it, stroking her hair.
But — Honoka wouldn’t believe me.
“Liar.”
The answer came instantly.
“You’re lying. You’ll say that to put me at ease, and then go somewhere else again…”
Her voice was hoarse.
But there was something oddly certain in it.
“Then… I just have to stay like this forever, don’t I…?”
— What?
In that instant, Honoka’s hand seized my wrist, hard.
“If I never let go of you, you won’t be able to leave, right…?”
Honoka’s eyes were wet, glazed, as if with fever.
“So if I just make sure you can never go anywhere…”
— This is bad, if it keeps going like this.
I tried, somehow, to calm her down.
If I provoked her here, it would only swell her possessiveness further.
“…It’s okay, Honoka.”
I wrapped my hand gently around hers.
“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
I said it, and smiled softly.
I had no idea how much that would actually ease her heart —
But right now, it was the only thing I could do.