Episode 45
Unbelievable.
Was I dreaming?
I rubbed my eyes over and over, checking the score and the ranking again and again.
Of course, no matter how many times I checked, the result didn’t change.
Yudzuki dropped into the seat across from me wearing a fearless smile, which only made the whole situation harder to process.
“Well, I give up.”
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Whoa, scary, scary. I’m properly frustrated, I promise.”
Yudzuki patted my head, an odd expression fixed on her face.
That easy composure of hers. That inability to know what she’s actually thinking.
We’ve supposedly been together since primary school, and yet Yudzuki is still someone I can never quite grasp, like a cloud.
But right now, none of that mattered.
I wanted to report this result to Morishita as quickly as possible.
“Let’s do a little celebration for the test today, the three of us with Hinata.”
“I’ll pass.”
“Because you’re meeting Mei-chan?”
Right…
Yudzuki knew that Morishita and I met up after school, just the two of us.
She’d never once spread that around to Hinata, never pushed too hard to dig into it, which was a relief, but in its own way it was frightening too.
She always brought up Morishita at exactly the right, most precise moment.
“Why do I have to tell you my plans?”
“We used to share our plans between the three of us, all the way through middle school. Why’d you stop doing that in high school?”
“That’s… I suppose we grew up, and it started feeling a little strange…”
“Hey, Nanoha. Do you like Mei-chan?”
“I think I do.”
Probably.
I had no way to be certain, but being with Morishita settled me more than anyone else, made things easier to bear.
It’s thanks to Morishita that I no longer feel that suffocating difficulty just from being alive.
If you asked me whether I liked or disliked her, I’d say I liked her.
“Is that the kind of ‘like’ where you’d want to be her girlfriend?”
“What?”
Yudzuki was saying something strange, and I found myself staring at her, wide-eyed.
The person in front of me wasn’t the usual, composed Yudzuki. Her brow was creased, her expression pained.
“No, it’s not that. The normal kind.”
“What’s normal?”
“Normal is normal. The same as liking a friend.”
“Then how do you feel about me?”
“…I think I like you.”
It hurt, but I lied.
And in that moment, I remembered something suddenly.
That I had once, purely, loved both Yudzuki and Hinata.
Being together, the three of us, used to be endlessly, effortlessly fun.
Playing, studying, everything.
I must have felt happy, joyful, without reservation.
That memory is vivid enough in me that I know it’s true.
But at some point, the time we spent together, the three of us, started shrinking.
And somewhere along the way, what I felt toward Yudzuki grew close to something like hatred.
Since when…?
Since when had I fallen off the track of that happiness?
It felt like I’d lost sight of something enormously important, and even though I should have been celebrating my test result, my chest churned with unease.
“Is what you feel for me different from what you feel for Mei-chan?”
“………………..”
“Then you don’t have to answer. Just go on a date with me, like we used to.”
“A date, that’s…”
Our classmates, sensing the tension between us, had started murmuring.
It was rare, this rare for Yudzuki, to lose her composure and speak this openly, regardless of who was watching. Rare for me too, honestly.
“Yudzuki, let’s go somewhere with fewer people.”
Feeling this wasn’t a conversation to keep having here, I pulled Yudzuki by the hand toward what I hoped would be an empty student council room.
Even alone together in the student council room, Yudzuki’s grave mood hadn’t changed at all, and I didn’t know what to do.
“Yudzuki, what’s wrong?”
“Nanoha, you’re not interested in me now that I’ve come second?”
“Sorry?”
Before I knew it, Yudzuki had closed the distance between us step by step, and my back was against the wall with nowhere to retreat.
Her expression, as ever, gave nothing away about what she was thinking.
No light in her eyes, just staring fixedly at me.
“Don’t you remember? The first time I took first place on a test, you were the only one who congratulated me like you were genuinely, overwhelmingly happy.”
When was that.
I had absolutely no memory of it, and it made me doubt my own recollection.
Had there ever been a time I praised Yudzuki?
Somewhere along the way, without my noticing, the structure had settled into place, Yudzuki always first, me always second, losing to her every single time.
Maybe because I was so bewildered, Yudzuki, in contrast, seemed to regain a little of her usual composure.
“I want to be first, in Nanoha’s eyes.”
“What does that mean…?”
“As long as it’s reflected in Nanoha’s eyes, I want to be first at everything. Rankings. Being childhood friends. Being liked by Nanoha. Even being hated by Nanoha, I want to be first at that too.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Nanoha, have you kissed someone?”
An even more incomprehensible question came flying at me, and my vision swam.
Today’s Yudzuki was a Yudzuki I didn’t know.
We’d spent so much time together, for so long, and I’d thought I understood her, but I realized now I understood nothing about Yudzuki at all.
Yudzuki placed a hand on my waist and pulled me close.
Her fingers cupped my chin, then traced along my lips.
My heart nearly leapt out of my chest, and I pushed her back, but she didn’t budge at all.
“What do you mean by kissed?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. Is that something you can’t tell me?”
“Something’s wrong with you today, Yudzuki.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“You’re different from usual.”
“That’s you, isn’t it.”
“Me…?”
“That’s right. Not long ago you used to watch me and Hinata so much more closely. There were no secrets between us. But lately something’s been off with you…”
Yudzuki’s anguished voice made me stop talking for a moment.
This should have been a serious, heavy situation, and yet even now, what surfaced in my mind was Morishita’s face.
Maybe Yudzuki was right. Maybe something about me really is off.
But I found I couldn’t admit to that, not right now.
“Regardless, who I kiss has nothing to do with you. Let go.”
“It does have something to do with me.”
“Why?”
“……………….because we’re childhood friends.”
Is being childhood friends really that special a thing?
Of course I’m grateful, Hinata and Yudzuki have both stayed close to me for so long.
They’re irreplaceable people to me, that hasn’t changed. But if you asked whether that meant they were the kind of people I’d tell everything to, the answer is no.
I pulled myself free from Yudzuki with all my strength and ran, leaving her standing there.
I grabbed my bag from the classroom and was about to charge out with real momentum when a hand caught mine sharply.
“Hinata…?”
I hadn’t expected to run into Hinata at this exact moment, and my voice came out with visible agitation I couldn’t hide.
“Nanoha, want to talk today?”
“Today’s…”
Had Morishita said she’d come over today?
I was just keeping my schedule open on my own, hoping she might come.
I always end up just waiting, and I’ve never once turned Morishita down when she said she’d come.
Realizing something slightly abnormal about myself in that, I found I had no answer ready for Hinata.
But today, regardless of whether Morishita was coming over or not, I found I didn’t want to be around Hinata and Yudzuki.
“Sorry. Could it be a different day?”
“Okay. This Saturday, let’s hang out, the three of us, like old times?”
“The three of us…”
After everything that had just happened with Yudzuki, could we really talk normally together? That anxiety caught in my throat and stopped my words again.
“If it’s no good, just say so. But I want to spend time with Nanoha and Yudzuki.”
“…Okay.”
“Thank you. I’ll let Yudzuki know too.”
“Okay.”
Once she’d said that, Hinata let go of my hand.
My arm, where she’d been gripping it, had gone quite red, and the redness made clear just how tightly she’d been holding on.
“See you later.”
“Yeah, see you.”
I said goodbye to Hinata and left the classroom.