Episode 25: Why Won’t You Meet My Eyes Even Once?
“Well then… thank you for tonight.”
“Thank you too.”
Eight in the evening. Matsuyama and I passed through the izakaya’s curtain and walked off in opposite directions.
I didn’t want to go home. That was the only thought I had. I shoved my phone into my pocket and headed toward a bar near the station instead.
I sat down at the end of the counter and ordered whisky. Before the glass even arrived, what I’d heard earlier was already looping in my head.
“Saeko-san was saying, ‘won’t you come back to me?’…“
“…And she was… holding Yuno-san…”
My heart wouldn’t settle. Every pulse seemed to shake something loose inside me. My breathing was shallow. The hand around the glass had gone slightly cold.
“It seems the previous big sis fell for someone else.”
“I came home and walked right in on the two of them kissing.”
“At the time I was struggling with work too, and I think I’d had too much to drink, or something like that…”
The story Yuno had told me before, and the words Matsuyama had relayed from Saeko, played back together, on a loop.
— So that’s it.
— It was Saeko.
The “big sis” Yuno had lived with before coming to my place.
The one who’d let Yuno stay in exchange for her body.
It was Saeko who had kissed her. Held her.
The image flickered behind my eyes. I tried to shake it off. It surfaced again anyway.
“…!”
What is this. Something black, pooling inside my chest. Not quite anger, not quite grief — something heavy and damp that won’t resolve into either. A nameless, black feeling.
It clung from my chest up through my throat and wouldn’t let go.
I checked my watch. Eleven at night.
I’d had three drinks without noticing. The outside of the glass was beaded with condensation. I lit a cigarette, smoked it slowly to the end, and went outside.
Spring, and yet the night air cut cold.
I unlocked the auto-lock and stepped into the entrance. In the elevator, my face showed faintly in the metal of the door. I looked exhausted. Of course I did — I’d been drinking until eleven.
The moment I opened the apartment door, my eyes went, without my permission, straight to the sofa.
A small head popped up.
Thud.
My heart gave a heavy lurch, and I looked away on reflex.
As I took off my trench coat, light footsteps came pattering toward me.
“Welcome home, big sis.”
A sleepy, soft voice pricked at my ear.
“…You’re still up.”
“Mm, I was waiting. It’s been a while since I had a night off from the part-time shift.”
I glanced sideways, just slightly. She was looking straight at me, eyes narrowed, smiling that soft, artless smile.
— What is that.
Something throbbed dully in my chest. Don’t smile at me, I thought. Don’t look at me like that. And being angry at myself for thinking it only made me angrier still.
Dinner was laid out on the table. Carefully wrapped in plastic film. I checked my phone and found several messages from Yuno.
〈Running late?〉
〈I’ll have dinner ready〉
〈Wrapped it so it doesn’t get cold〉
It hadn’t even occurred to me to message her. Picturing Yuno cooking alone, waiting for me to come home, made something in my chest sting.
Yuno reached out and gently caught my sleeve.
I shook my arm free, reflexively.
Yuno’s face went blank with surprise. Then, slowly, her eyes dropped. Not quite hurt — more like she didn’t understand what had happened.
“…You’re late today. Overtime?”
“Drinks.”
“I see. With someone from work?”
“…………”
“…A woman?”
“It was a woman. So what.”
I said it flatly, without meeting her eyes.
Childish. I know that. Knowing it changed nothing — I couldn’t stop myself. I genuinely couldn’t find a gentler way to handle this.
“What did you eat…? Was it good?”
Yuno’s voice carried no accusation. Not even about the fact that I hadn’t bothered to text her back. That made it worse, somehow.
I stayed silent. Didn’t answer.
I know it was cruel. But some part of me thought, you should suffer a little too. It felt unfair that I was the only one falling apart like this.
Even knowing how childish it was, toward someone so much younger than me — it was all I could manage.
“…Why won’t you say anything?”
After a silence, Yuno let the words drop, quietly.
“Hey. When I find out you’ve been with someone else, my chest aches. What is that, do you think?”
Her voice was small. Not accusing, not sulking. Just genuinely not knowing, and asking.
“…I don’t know. How would I know that.”
I turned my back and headed for the changing room.
“Big sis, what’s wrong? Something’s… off.”
Yuno’s voice struck my back.
I couldn’t say anything.
I couldn’t ask. I didn’t want to ask. I was afraid to hear about Saeko directly from Yuno’s own mouth.
Because it was Saeko.
Unlike me, she’s easygoing and kind to everyone, and on top of that, beautiful, and flawless at her job.
Whatever the circumstances of that breakup, Yuno had probably been treated gently by her too.
Against someone like that, there’s no way I could win. No — there’s no need to win in the first place.
Yuno and I aren’t lovers, or anything resembling that.
I have no grounds whatsoever to be angry.
And yet.
Why is my chest in such a mess. I don’t even know where to direct this churning feeling. Not knowing only made it worse.
“It’s nothing.”
My voice came out lower than I’d intended.
I didn’t want to look at Yuno’s face. Didn’t want her to see this pathetic expression of mine.
I shut myself in the bathroom and soaked in the bath far longer than necessary.
Even in the water, Matsuyama’s voice kept surfacing.
“Saeko-san was… holding Yuno-san…”
Eyes closed, eyes open on the dark ceiling — the words just kept circling.
When I came out of the changing room, Yuno was still on the sofa.
She’d been trying to stay awake, but had clearly reached her limit. Her head dipped slowly, then righted itself again, slowly.
It would have been easier if she’d just fallen asleep.
Maybe she felt me watching — Yuno’s eyes opened, faintly. Those large eyes turned, steady, straight toward me. Meeting them felt like she could see straight through me, and I let my gaze slide away.
“Coffee…? Want me to make some?”
“No.”
“Lap pillow?”
“Don’t need it.”
“Then come sit here.”
“…………”
I turned my face away.
I stood there, unable to move, and the room sat in silence for a while.
“Hey, big sis.”
Yuno’s voice had dropped slightly lower than before.
“Why haven’t you met my eyes, not even once, since you got home?”
Not accusing. Not crying. Just letting the words fall, quietly.
It felt like being struck on the back of the head.
“…Sorry, but let me sleep alone tonight.”
“Big si——”
Rattle… slam!
I shut the bedroom door, half-violently, cutting off Yuno as she followed.
“Hey, wait a second…”
I collapsed onto the bed and pulled the covers over my head. Yuno’s voice reached me, muffled, from the other side of the door.
My heart beat dully, again and again, ringing in my head.
I’m thoroughly sick of my own childishness.
But this was all I could manage.
A coarse, grating feeling ran through my entire body, and my mouth felt like it was full of sand.