Episode 90: A Failed Mother

‘Well, I reckon the next time I’ll be back will be the winter holidays,’

　With that, my daughter was about to head outside, her suitcase in hand.

“Mayo!”

My daughter turned around, looking startled. Yet, the look in her eyes as she looked at me was incredibly warm. A lump rose in my throat at that, so I suppressed it and continued speaking.

“I’m sorry for everything up until now. And — thank you.”

I put everything I had into those words. Mayo left the house with a gentle smile.

Left standing alone in the entrance hall was me, my mind still clouded with emotion.

　—I’m a failure as a mother.

I think I’d been working my hardest every day since marrying Makoto. I was hopeless at everything, and back at my parents’ house, I was treated like a nuisance. My parents were distinguished university professors, and I had an older brother and a younger sister, both were high achievers who could do anything. I was the only one who was just average at school, with no particular talents, and I felt like an outsider in my own family.

　It was during that time that my parents brought me a marriage proposal. I was told it was the son of a well-known family of doctors — and that was how I met Makoto.

From the very first time we met, Makoto made a wonderful impression on me: sincere, earnest, with a strict side yet also kind. And even when I was hopeless at housework or slow to learn, he never criticised me; he was always a gentle man.

Before I knew it, I had fallen for him. I, who had no redeeming qualities, had finally found a place where I belonged.

　We struggled to conceive, so we welcomed a daughter through adoption.

‘Mayo’

　Although we aren’t biologically related, to strengthen our bond, I took a character from Makoto’s name and named her Mayo. We treat Mayo as if she were our own flesh and blood, and as she was our first child together, we raised her with great care.

　Then, four years later, Makoto and I had a child of our own.

‘Hoshizora’

　We wanted her to shine as brightly as the stars. We wanted her to be a light for someone lost in the darkness. We gave her that name with those wishes in mind. Finally having a child with the man I loved, and seeing how much she resembled me, made me feel even more affection for her, and I think I often found myself fussing over her.

　Both our daughters were simply adorable; Mayo grew into a wonderful big sister, whilst Hoshizora, though a bit of a crybaby and a bit of a mama’s girl, grew up to be a kind-hearted child. Going out as a family and looking after the two of them were truly happy times, moments I never wanted to lose.

　At some point, Makoto began drilling the girls in their studies, saying he wanted them to be his heirs. Influenced by his seriousness, I too grew stricter with our daughters about their schoolwork, and I started limiting the things they were allowed to do outside of studying..
　I wanted to be his support. Driven by that single-minded desire, my own perspective had narrowed.

　As if to meet our expectations, Mayo became an astonishingly gifted child. It felt as though I were watching my own brother and sister, and a faint sense of jealousy began to stir within me.

　In contrast to Mayo, Hoshizora, like me, found that things rarely went her way, no matter what she did. At first, I tried my best to support her, not wanting her to feel the same way I did, but gradually, seeing myself reflected in her made me feel irritated, and I began to take out my self-loathing on Hoshizora.

　And, anxious that Hoshizora might be the reason Makoto would abandon me, I began to treat my own daughter in the most appalling way.

I was not just a failure as a mother. I was a failure as a human being.

Instead of reaching out to someone in the same situation as myself, I told myself, ‘I’m different. I’m not a failure,’ and prioritised my own self-preservation. That was the only way I could maintain my sense of self.

I was far too immature to be a mother.

　I don’t want to start over now.
　Even if I did, that would be a far too self-centred wish — one that Hoshizora would have every right to refuse.

And yet I believe there was another path I could have taken.

　I understand Hoshizora’s feelings better than anyone else in this world. We share the same circumstances, should have experienced the same kind of pain — and yet I did to her what was done to me. No… something even worse.

　There is not enough regret in the world for what I’ve done.

　Once I stopped engaging with her, I forgot how I used to interact with her, how I used to speak to her, how we used to live. In that way, the rift I created between myself and my daughter kept growing, and now it has become a chasm that nothing can bridge.

“Haa…”
“Why are you sighing so deeply?”
“I should have engaged with Hoshizora more. As a mother, I haven’t done a single thing for her.”
“I feel the same way.”

　Saying that, Makoto looked sad too.

“There were plenty of chances. Hoshizora was trying to reach out to us. It was us who ignored her. It’s pathetic. I don’t even feel I have the right to call myself a parent.”

　Makoto said this with a wry smile, as if he were exasperated with himself. He’s right. We no longer have the right to say anything to our children.

　—Yet, I want to face Hoshizora once more.

　Not as mother and child, but as one human being facing another. I know this is a selfish wish of mine, one that will never come true.

　However, for the sake of a chance that might one day come, I want to cast aside my twisted, worthless pride and be prepared.

　I have resolved in my heart to live with a burden of guilt and regret so great that no amount of reflection will ever be enough.