Episode 5

“So apparently this person has caught the eye of a rather unusual girl. Someone who… gets very close, but then before you know it she’s gone somewhere far away.”

Tsumugi’s eyes narrow slightly. Oh?

The fact that Tsumugi is basically my only friend is already obvious to her. No point hiding it anymore.

“I’m the kind of person you already know I am, Tsumugi. The kind who stays on the surface, always. I thought that’s how this would go too — just like usual. But.”

The words come out surprisingly smoothly.

“That girl seems to… treasure me. A lot. I can’t think of any reason why.”

I laugh at myself a little and bring the cocktail to my lips. My body temperature feels like it’s rising.

“She’s slowly unravelling something I’ve been carrying for a long time. Even though she must have so much of her own to carry.”

If you tell me that — I’ll give up on you. I promise.

She said she’d give up — when giving up was the last thing she wanted to do.

“And then?”

She takes a mouthful of her reddish-brown cocktail and prompts me to continue. No thorns in her voice. Gentle.

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t know, but — she’s in my head constantly. Whatever I’m doing. Whenever it is.”

“…Hmm.”

“It’s only been about a month, and yet it feels like she’s been with me for years. It stops making sense.”

A confession out of nowhere, an intense pursuit, working together, talking in her apartment. That’s the whole of it between us.

“Time doesn’t matter. More doesn’t mean better.”

“So — what do you want?”

What do I want.

What do I want? Right now I’m just stringing words together like rallying against a wall on my own. Causing Tsumugi trouble again.

“I don’t know.”

“…I don’t know.”

The words run out. My head is a tangle, and I don’t know who I even am anymore.

Takemi Hiito. Am I, though? I don’t think Takemi Hiito was this kind of person.

A long sigh from beside me.

“Another drink? I’ll call her.”

◇

“Here you are.”

A cocktail ordered on her recommendation is set before me.

“A spritzer — sparkling water with a little wine. The alcohol content is low, so please don’t worry.”

Depending on the light it might look different, but it was a red close to transparent. Similar in some ways to the first drink, but a different atmosphere about it.

“And this one for Tsumugi.”

“Hang on! I wanted a Manhattan.”

“I think this suits you better this evening.”

The bartender gave a small smile and once again stepped quietly away from the counter.

An Americano, apparently. Lighter than what she’d been drinking before.

I brought the oval glass to my lips — different in shape from the first. The sharp carbonation cleared my head just slightly.

“I always thought of you as a kind of zombie.”

Tsumugi smoothed out her furrowed brow and began to speak quietly.

“Whether you were alive or dead was hard to say, but at the very least you weren’t doing the thing called living. Back then and up until recently.”

“You show your feelings well enough, and you manage the social side of things fine. So I imagine to someone who didn’t know you, you’d look perfectly normal.”

But — she paused, took a mouthful from her glass, gave a small stretch.

“From where I stand, you’re abnormal. Not that you wanted to die — but you always looked like someone who did.”

She really watches people, I thought.

“Did I look that way…? I think I smile quite a bit, like you said—”

“It’s not about smiling or not smiling. More like — smiling, but always looking somewhere far away. Mind somewhere else. There was just no life in you. Whatever it was that happened before — honestly, it was hard to watch.”

She spins out all these words for me.

“I see… Tsumugi, you’re kind.”

The heat rises behind my eyes. One moment of carelessness and I’ll overflow.

“So that’s what I thought — which is why seeing you today surprised me. Somewhere along the way you’d become a human being.”

“I was a human being to begin with.”

I say it lightly, playing at offence, and take a drink. My head is starting to feel pleasantly foggy.

“It’s a figure of speech. Because the you I knew before — you wouldn’t have been troubled by any of this.”

“No matter who it was, you’d have said no in one clean stroke and been done with it. You held firm to your policy of letting things lie.”

“…Yeah.”

“A good opportunity, isn’t it. Whatever happened, move forward. Besides — the answer’s already written all over your face.”

Written on my face? I didn’t think I’d been wearing that kind of expression — not while doing my makeup, not looking at the train window. Though come to think of it, the bartender had said something along those lines too.

“B-but — I genuinely don’t know. How I feel about her. And it’s about me.”

I let the memory of time spent at Seriha’s apartment come back. Honestly, the time spent talking about myself was painful. But eating pancakes together, sitting beside each other and talking — that wasn’t bad. I think.

When she touched me too — it hadn’t been unpleasant. If it had really been unwelcome, my body would have rejected it. Probably. That’s how a human body works.

As if to wash away the sweet memories that had stuck to the inside of my head, I tipped the rest of the glass down my throat. The strong carbonation was too much and I gave a small cough.

“That’s enough. Your face is bright red.”

From somewhere beside me — I hadn’t noticed her return — the bartender set down a glass of clear liquid. Water, presumably.

“I’m sorry…”

“Whatever kind of zombie woman she is, turning her into a lovesick girl — what sort of person could manage that.”

“Bring her to meet me once you’ve calmed down. I think that much is fair to ask.”

I watched Tsumugi’s profile, a wry smile on her face as she raised her glass.

She and Seriha are different types — but Tsumugi has the kind of looks that turn heads regardless. Her small frame reads young, but it sits oddly against expressions and gestures that belong to someone older.

She’s always the one holding me up.

“I’m always sorry.”

No. Sorry isn’t right.

“Thank you. Always. Tsumugi.”

“That’s repulsive. Say that kind of thing to the girl you like.”

And then, that guileless smile she shows sometimes.

“I don’t know if I like her, I said.”

They took care to give me something light, and yet I’m quite drunk all the same — unaccustomed as I am. My head feels soft and weightless, pleasant.

Out of nowhere — I want to see Seriha. That thought just came to me.