Episode Thirty-One: Do Whatever You Want With Me, Yui-san
Our first trip together turned into an unforgettable experience, in more ways than one.
There’s something I understood, from this trip.
Scenery shared with someone special leaves an impression far stronger, far more vivid, than it has any right to.
That a single embrace can be enough to lift you straight up toward heaven.
And that feeling that way, all of it, is because I love her.
Honestly, I’d known for a while. I’d just kept pretending not to.
Once I finally admitted it, something in me eased, like a weight lifting off my shoulders.
Every restless, aching, irritated feeling — all of it, every last bit, because I love Yui-san.
A love like sweet, faintly bitter chocolate, I thought.
＊＊＊
The day after we got back from the trip. I messaged Ritsu-san to say I’d brought back a souvenir, and she came by my part-time job to pick it up.
“Here, this is for you. A souvenir.”
While she was busy with a mouthful of cake, I slipped the Hakone souvenir I’d hidden under the counter into her hands, careful not to let the other customers notice.
“Ooh, thanks! Guess it really was the right call asking you instead of Yui.”
“They don’t keep well, so I only bought as much as we could actually finish. Eating too many isn’t good for you either, you know.”
“Something with actual blessings attached, you can never have too much of. My grandma back home always said so, so it’s got to be true.”
Ritsu-san said it with a bright grin, and I couldn’t help smiling back, easy.
Ritsu-san had thoroughly taken a liking to the café I work at, and started dropping by regularly.
Probably the most frequent regular among everyone I know, honestly. Yui-san mostly just picks me up outside and never actually comes in.
“So? How was Hakone?”
“So much fun. The hot spring was great, and Owakudani was incredible too. The mountain railway does this thing called a switchback, going back and forth to climb the slope…”
I demonstrated with hand gestures, back and forth, but Ritsu-san just tilted her head, blank.
“Switchback? What’s that?”
Apparently Ritsu-san has zero interest in trains.
Not that I’m any kind of expert either — I only knew because Yui-san had explained it to me.
“…Anyway, you should go with Yuuri sometime. It was really wonderful.”
Giving up on the explanation, Ritsu-san laughed, maybe I will.
“So, anyway. I’ve been dying to ask — how was the night?”
“Huh…? The, um, night?”
Caught off guard by the sudden question, an embarrassingly high-pitched sound escaped me.
“So, was it good, just like the rumors say? With her?”
“I-I mean, I’ll humor you, but good at what, exactly…”
“You know, se—”
“R-Ritsu-san?! What are you talking about, I don’t know anything about that!”
Face burning red, I shook my head hard, side to side. At that, Ritsu-san grinned, wide, and pointed at her own neck.
“Liar. It’s showing, you know.”
“No way!”
Realizing she meant the hickey, I clapped a hand over my neck in a panic. I’d covered it with concealer — had it rubbed off against my collar without me noticing? What do I do.
Ritsu-san burst out cackling.
“Knew it. So something did happen? You got marked up?”
Only then did I realize I’d been baited.
“That’s not — that was just Yui-san being mischievous, nothing actually… nothing actually happened, I swear…!”
“Nooo way… wait, seriously nothing happened? A whole night in the same room? Yui not making a move — is that even possible?”
It’s not that nothing happened. If anything, plenty had almost happened. If I hadn’t clearly said no, right then, that night might have gone very differently.
But something she’d just said caught my attention, and I couldn’t just let it slide.
“Um, by the way — ‘just like the rumors say, good at it’ — is that something the other girls actually say?”
I stared steadily at Ritsu-san, careful not to let the jealousy flaring hot in my chest show on my face.
“Ah… no, sorry. That was a slip. Forget I said it.”
Watching her gaze skitter away so obviously, I felt a small flash of irritation. No matter what, this person always ends up on Yui-san’s side, one way or another.
“It’s fine, really. I already know exactly what kind of person Yui-san is. Never dates anyone, plays around charming girls, terrible track record with women.”
Though it’s kind of impressive, honestly, how she makes up for that flaw with an overwhelming surplus of charm.
“Ah… well, yeah, that’s true, but. Lately I think Yui’s actually been trying pretty hard, you know? She’s really calmed down compared to before. I kind of think it’s all for your sake, Kanata-chan.”
“But she still sneaks the occasional snack on the side sometimes, doesn’t she?”
I pointed it out, and Ritsu-san scratched her cheek, awkward. There it is — she goes out drinking with Yui-san all the time, there’s no way she wouldn’t know.
“Mm… but honestly, if you don’t like it, I think you should just say so, clearly. Yui, the way she is now, would probably actually listen to you, don’t you think?”
“I never said… I don’t like it…”
I do dislike it. I want to say so. But I know full well I don’t have the right to say it.
If I were generous enough, big-hearted enough to love even that part of her whole, maybe it’d be fine — but I’m not that finished a person yet.
I’ll tell you properly someday — I want to believe that promise wasn’t a lie.
So, since that’s what Yui-san said, the one thing I didn’t want to do was pile on any pressure of my own.
I don’t want her thinking I’m a hassle. Now that I’ve finally admitted I love her, I don’t want her to end up hating me.
Though, given how bad I am at just letting things go, I don’t have much confidence that if I ever catch wind of another woman’s shadow again, I’d manage not to lash out at her, hard.
“You’re really something, aren’t you.”
Ritsu-san said it, sighing. I don’t know if “something” is the right word, but I think this is the absolute most I can manage, right now.
*
Finishing up closing duties, I stepped out the back door. It had gotten noticeably chillier. Winter was closing in fast.
The seasons just keep turning like this, slipping past in the blink of an eye.
Yui-san couldn’t come pick me up today, so I’d need to walk home alone. Pulling my coat collar in close, I started toward the station.
“Aozawa!”
Called from behind, I turned to find Hayakawa-kun catching my hand.
“Your senior’s not picking you up today? I’ll walk you home.”
Seeing him smile, so pleased, something in my chest ached, sharp. I should have just turned him down sooner, like Yui-san told me to.
Winter’s practically here already. Keeping things this vague, continuing to eat up his time like this — that’s not real kindness, not really.
“…Just to the station is fine.”
Sensing something, Hayakawa-kun’s expression stiffened.
Being turned down when you have feelings for someone is scary — I understand that now. And I understand, too, now, just how cruel I’ve been to him, this whole time.
“There’s something I need to tell you, Hayakawa-kun.”
“Eh, y-yeah… what is it?”
We walked together toward the station. Passing car headlights lit his uneasy profile, again and again, and faded.
“Hayakawa-kun… do you still like me?”
Asked straight out, I could tell he swallowed, hard.
“…Yeah. I do.”
“…I see.”
The answer that came back left me disheartened. If only he’d said he didn’t like me anymore.
“You said I didn’t need to answer your confession yet. But I don’t think staying silent was really fair to you either.”
Just as the station lights came into view, Hayakawa-kun’s steps stopped. I turned back to face him too.
“Do I really have to hear this?”
“Please, listen.”
“I figured… yeah, that’s fair. You’re cute, Aozawa. A boyfriend, you’d have one in no time…”
Hearing that, I shook my head, side to side.
“I don’t have a boyfriend. But… there’s someone I love. So I can’t return your feelings, Hayakawa-kun.”
Ah, this hurts, I thought. Watching him shrink, small, I felt it overlap painfully with myself.
Love is painful. When it’s mutual, it’s happiness, but when it isn’t, it becomes a blade carving straight through the heart instead.
“…What’s this person you love like?”
“Really kind, but a little unfair, too.”
I said it, and Hayakawa-kun laughed, self-deprecating.
“Why aren’t you together, then?”
“…Because they have no intention of ever dating anyone.”
“Why would you fall for someone like that? I’d treasure you so much more…”
He turned to face me straight on, his voice edged with something almost accusatory.
I don’t know. Hayakawa-kun probably really would treasure me too, but I don’t think that’s something easily measured against Yui-san.
“Why, huh? …But I love them. Hopelessly. It’s not something logic can explain.”
I said it plainly, and Hayakawa-kun bit down on his lip, frustrated.
“…I see, got it. Thanks for telling me.”
Hayakawa-kun really is a good person. If I’d never met Yui-san, maybe there really could have been a future where I dated him.
But I did meet Yui-san.
I’ve come to know a feeling burning in my chest so intensely that everything I ever thought was love, before this, feels almost fake by comparison.
There’s no turning back now.
Even if it’s a swamp I sink into. Even if it’s a love that leaves me crying, screaming, covered in wounds.
I parted ways with Hayakawa-kun at the station. Two stops on the train, swaying, heading home.
For some reason, I suddenly wanted, badly, to see Yui-san. Maybe putting the feeling into words out loud had only accelerated it further.
She probably wasn’t home yet. But as long as she’d genuinely come home to me, I felt like I could wait for her forever, however long it took.
*
Sprawled on the sofa, waiting for her, I heard the front door open.
I threw myself at her the moment she opened the living room door, and that sweet, beloved perfume of hers tickled at my chest.
“Welcome home, Yui-san.”
“I’m home, Kanata. What’s this, you’re actually greeting me at the door today?”
Yui-san laughed, pleased. Her lips brushed my eyelid, then my cheek, one after another, and I hugged her back, tight.
“Sorry I couldn’t come pick you up.”
I shook my head — no. Wanting a kiss, I stared straight at her lips, and Yui-san let out a small laugh, peering into my face.
“…You’re extra clingy today. Did something happen?”
“…Is it not allowed to be clingy even if nothing happened?”
There are nights, even for me, when a lot happens and I just want to be spoiled.
You’re the one who spoils me, so somewhere along the way I’ve turned into an addict for your kindness.
“…No, it’s allowed. Be as clingy as you want. Want something to drink? I’ll make you anything.”
“…Hot milk. With honey. But before that… kiss me.”
Yui-san’s eyes went round, faintly startled. Had I overstepped, even after she said it was fine? I watched her, worried, and Yui-san laughed, taking my chin gently to tilt my gaze up.
Caught, straight on, in those deep black eyes.
“…Okay. What kind of kiss do you want?”
Making me actually say it. My eyes wandered, and Yui-san laughed, soft.
“Why are you even asking? You never ask, you always just do whatever you want, usually.”
“Hmm, well, I want to give you exactly what you want. Tell me.”
Yui-san can be pretty mean, sometimes. Her thumb traced gently along my lips. Just that alone was enough to make me imagine everything that might come after. I already know, by now, exactly how good kissing her feels.
“…Do whatever you want with me, Yui-san.”
I said it, small, and Yui-san burst out laughing.
“Got it, I’ll do whatever I want, then. But no complaining afterward.”
Pushed back firmly, I fell onto the sofa. Looming over me, Yui-san shrugged off her coat and tossed it carelessly to the floor, and my heart clenched, tight.
“Kissing only, okay?”
“I know.”
Smiling, so clearly pleased, she claimed my lips like she meant to devour them, and I closed my eyes. I pulled her in by the arms around her neck, and I could tell she smiled against me.
Enough, please, I’ll die if this goes on any longer — waving the white flag, breathless — and it was quite a while after that before I finally got my hot milk.
*
Once autumn ends and winter comes, I’m sure I’ll get to meet a Yui-san I still don’t know yet.
*
Hey, Yui-san. You didn’t know this, did you?
If you’d have loved only me, I would have given you everything I had.
I mean that, genuinely, with everything in me. I really did think that, back then.