I’d done it.

It didn’t take me long to realise the mistake I’d made.
It was the first time someone I had no interest in had seen me as that kind of person, and had actually said it directly to me. The disgust and unease left me stunned.
　But I pulled myself together midway through the first period, and during the break before the second period, unusually, I approached Amamiya Tōru’s desk and spoke to her.

“Amamiya-san, if it’s alright with you, could I see the board notes from yesterday, the day I was absent?”

Skipping school itself was a first for me since becoming a high school student.
　I’d never needed anyone to show me the board notes before, but now that I actually needed them, I felt relieved that Amamiya Tōru was there.
If she hadn’t been, I would have given up on getting yesterday’s notes.

In response to my request, her answer was “silence”.

“……”

Huh?

“Amamiya-san?”

I looked into her eyes.
　And I realised I’d done something wrong.
Amamiya Tōru’s face was baring emotions I’d never seen before.
Sadness? Anger? What other colours mingled in that expression?

In any case, I’d never seen Amamiya Tōru look so utterly unlike her transparent self, not even when I paid for her time.
That’s how strange she looked right now.
　I should be apologising and asking why she’s like this. Why? Other feelings churn in my chest.
Even if that expression is directed solely at me, this is a classroom, and we’re not alone here.
Seeing Amamiya Tōru like this, drenched in such colour, knowing it – I want to be the only one.

Ah, I’m despicable.

　Even though she’s directing such negative feelings towards me, rather than worrying about that, eighty percent of my emotions are being stirred by the ugly possessiveness lurking within my heart.

“Mashiro, just now—”

Amamiya Tōru starts to say something.
Feeling sorry, I grab her arm before she can finish her words.
I force her to stand and lead her out of the classroom.

　As we did, several classmates glanced at us and chuckled.

—So those two really are…

Such words barely registered in my ears.
The wave of disgust and nausea washed over me again. But right now, I shut out everything except Amamiya Tōru.
The misunderstandings around us might accelerate. Rumours might spread with added embellishments.

Even so, just for now, I wanted to become something like a curtain for Amamiya Tōru.
　Or as though I’d become the box confining her.

For now, I want to be something that shields her —this Amamiya Tōru- coloured her —from all the stares.

I shift my grip from her arm to her hand, walking down the corridor determined never to let go.
Just how far have the rumours spread in this school? Those stares, and the stares that aren’t. It feels as though every single one despises us, coldly, mockingly.

I wasn’t thinking anything at all.
I just fled relentlessly towards the least crowded place I could find, and ended up in the infirmary.
Here, I could at least come up with some excuse.

The nurse was absent, and a whiteboard stuck to the door with magnets clearly stated until what time she’d be away.

　Perfect. No one around.

I gratefully made use of the bed.
Closed the white curtains.
As if this space alone had been cut out, I now stitched together our time alone.

“Thank you for coming along quietly.”
“………………… I absolutely hate you, Mashiro.”
“That’s… rather abrupt.”

We sat side by side on the stiff sheets.
Amamiya Tōru had been holding back words for ages, surely with so much she wanted to say to me. Yet when she finally initiated the conversation in my mind, the very first words out of her mouth were, unbelievably, “I hate you.”
I was hurt, to be honest.
I nearly snapped back, asking why she’d say such a thing, but I caught myself in time. First, I needed to ask why she’d become like this. I couldn’t get the order wrong.

“Um, I made you angry, didn’t I? Me.”
“………”
“That is, I’m sorry.”
“……Mashiro, you don’t even know what you did wrong, yet you apologise.”
“………I’m sorry.”
“For what? What exactly are you apologising for?”

The words Amamiya Tōru spoke were cold, yet her voice carried genuine emotion. She was genuinely venting his frustration at me.
　Because I could read that, even as I was being cornered, my possessive urge was satisfied.
Even though I was being scolded, I relaxed. I let my guard down. A smile that didn’t fit the atmosphere slipped out.

“Hey,―――”
“Eh?”

But right now, I really should have listened seriously to her words. And thought about them.

I was pinned down by Amamiya Tōru.

A hand came to rest on my neck.

　Oh, I’ve done it now.

I’ve experienced this before. That suffocating feeling.
She tightens her grip. Gradually, more force builds.
She straddles my stomach.

“Why? Hey, why?”
“Ama…mi…ya…san”
“Hey, why did you ignore me? Even now, why won’t you listen to me?”
“………”

　I couldn’t say anything more.
Partly because I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t recall ignoring her.
That was part of it, but also physically.
My throat was being squeezed so tightly I couldn’t make a sound.

My face felt hot. It hurt.
But I absolutely wouldn’t say “help me” or “forgive me”.
Our relationship didn’t need words like that.

　Let Amamiya Tōru do whatever she wants, to her heart’s content.
She can take it out on me, and me alone.
Even if it’s a colour I never imagined, perhaps this is the Amamiya Tōru I wanted to see, stained this colour.
I remembered that.

I closed my eyes.
Something warm touched my cheek.
One drop. Two drops, three drops. Gradually, they fell without end.

I opened my eyes.

　It still felt unfamiliar, fresh.
There was Amamiya Tōru’s tear-stained face.

“Don’t make me feel uneasy any more.”

At that moment, I was surprised I could still move my body.
Where had that strength been hiding? It was astonishing.
Hearing her words, I instinctively grabbed the hand that was trying to strangle me and forcibly pulled it away.

“Was I making you anxious, Amamiya-san?”

I couldn’t help but ask.
What about me had made her anxious?
Where had I gone wrong in the relationship with Amamiya Tōru that I’d built, in my own way? That was the only thing I desperately needed to know.

“………”

Amamiya Tōru said nothing.
　For now, I wouldn’t rush her. I’d wait as long as it took.
That was how I felt.
But her silence lasted only about five minutes, give or take.

“I said ‘good morning’ earlier, Mashiro. You ignored me.”
“I’m sorry. I had a few things on my mind this morning and didn’t notice.”

I answered earnestly.
No lies. Just my honest, immediate response.

“Do you really like me, Mashiro?”

That was the first thing she asked me when we became intimate.
Whether I liked her, was it? I’m sure I answered ‘yes’ at the time.
And now? Of course I like her.
I do like her, but I don’t want it to feel exactly the same as it did at the start. Does the feeling of ‘liking’ someone actually evolve?
Can something once defined as friendship change?
　An opportunity has come to reconsider my feelings for her.

“………So you don’t like me anymore, after all?”
“I do like you. That much is certain. But somehow, that alone doesn’t feel quite right.”
“You don’t dislike me?”
“I could never dislike you, Amamiya-san.”
“………Hmm?”

The grip on my hand loosened.
I stopped holding on and released her hand.

“I don’t know anything about Mashiro.”
“………”
“I don’t understand Mashiro at all.”
“………”
“That’s why I keep wanting to check like this. Because I don’t understand, I want to know.”

Amamiya Tōru moved her hand to my uniform this time.
The front buttons of my blazer were undone.
My jumper was pulled up, and she began unbuttoning my blouse from the bottom, just as I had done.

　Er… What exactly is she doing to me?

“So, Mashiro. I think there’ll be many more times like this, where I go crazy like this, where I suddenly feel I don’t understand you at all and desperately want to know.”
“………”
“Is that… okay with you?”
“………If that’s what you want.”

In the end, I had no choice but to answer like this.

“Proof?”
“Eh?”
“I want proof of how sincerely you’ll accept me.”
“Huh?”
“Today, I want your first time.”