Autumn Special: To the Ends of the Earth

How many people can one truly love from birth to death?

To be honest, I cannot recall the number of women I have shared the night with.

There have been two people I have loved.
But the one I loved from the depths of my heart will likely remain the only one in my lifetime.

Thanks to that first person I fell for — I feel I was able to correctly recognise that I am homosexual.

　For eighteen-year-old me, parting with my first girlfriend was excruciatingly painful. Yet looking back now, that sorrow seems trivial compared to the separation from Kanata I would experience years later.

Had I not broken up with my ex and instead dragged out the relationship through university, I might have found some excuse to refuse Kanata’s proposal to live together. Had that happened, I would never have met this dear girl.

　They say life is about serendipity, and I truly feel that to be the case. If the eighteen-year-old me, despairing of everything and resigned to giving up on life that night, could hear that a day would come when I’d meet someone I cherish this deeply, I’d be utterly astonished.

　Exhausted, I pressed my lips to the long lashes of Kanata, who slept soundly beside me, gently stroking her soft cheek, careful not to wake her.
Gently drawing her white, rounded shoulders closer, I felt they were slightly cool. After tucking the duvet up over her shoulders, I held her slender body tightly.

　The nightclothes I’d hastily stripped off and tossed aside were probably lying under the bed somewhere, but before I could retrieve them and dress her, she’d already fallen asleep in my arms. So I gave up on getting dressed myself and decided to sleep like this tonight.

　Autumn nights are long.

Even though I’d promised to go eat pancakes with Kanata tomorrow, sleeping felt like such a waste, and Friday nights always ended up like this, staying up late.
The usual Saturday morning routine was Kanata waking before me, puffing out her cheeks in a pout as she shook my shoulder to wake me.

But it couldn’t be helped.

　Kanata might not know it, but just holding her like this as I sleep, my chest tightens unbearably, and my love for her piles up like snow.

That snow, piling up and never melting away, takes away all the pain and suffering in my heart.

I want us to live together soon. I want to fall asleep in each other’s arms every night. If you’re there beside me when I wake in the morning, I need nothing else.

You might laugh if I said such things, but I’m always seriously thinking about nothing but this.

　I wish spring would come sooner.

When I bumped into Shinji — I realised. That Kanata felt guilty about this relationship.
I remember how our clasped hands trembled slightly, and my chest tightened terribly.

I swore I’d never hurt you again, yet here I am, causing this girl I adore so much pain once more.
　Come to think of it, it was only natural. Unlike me, Kanata is earnest and sincere, the type who thinks things through deeply before acting.

There’s no way Kanata has the sort of character that could tolerate infidelity.

Even if there was absolutely no love between Shinji and me, there was no way she could have no conflict about a relationship with me while I had an engagement.

And yet, she accepted my feelings — I know it was because of her affection.

　I couldn’t bear it. When Kanata told me she wanted to be my secretary, that she wouldn’t let any other girl have that role, I became certain her feelings were still directed towards me.
From that moment on, my heart was so full I couldn’t sleep at night, I loved Kanata so much, so very much. I couldn’t wait until spring.

　Three years ago, when I promised my father I would “absolutely deliver results,” it was both a personal resolution and an act of selfishness.
My first year as a working adult was spent in the holding company’s corporate planning department, where I poured blood, sweat, and tears into my work.
I worked relentlessly during the weekdays, studied relentlessly after returning home, sacrificing sleep, and on weekends, I would crash at Yuki-nii’s place, bowing my head to beg for his guidance.

　Because I was the president’s daughter. Because I was the next president. I was subjected to those curious stares, and I know there were times when people gossiped behind my back. But none of that mattered.

There were times when I found the position I was born into troublesome. But looking back now, perhaps it was a fortunate thing.

What I can give to Kanata is never very much.

But now I have social standing and financial security. Though I’d always thought these things bound me, they were also strengths. Even if something were to happen to me from now on — I have something I can leave behind.

Of course, I wish to live by her side until we grow old together, but human life is fleeting. Parting comes abruptly. It is equal for everyone.

　How agonising it must be to leave a loved one behind in a place beyond reach. Only now could I imagine, painfully so, the regret my mother must have felt leaving behind her beloved husband and young children.

Precisely because I had found someone precious, the fear of loss constantly lingered right beside my happiness. This was an emotion I only came to know after meeting Kanata and falling in love.

　Until I reunited with Kanata, I was always in a hurry. I didn’t always choose the best solution in every situation. Even so, I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

I wanted to go and fetch her quickly. This time, with a completely pure body. That single-minded desire was my driving force.

What if Kanata already had a lover? What if she’d gotten married?

　There were nights when just the thought of it made my chest feel like it was being squeezed tight. It was unbearably painful and agonising. I travelled to Osaka where Ritsu was, crying my heart out, and each time she would slap my back like whipping a racehorse. How much that pain in my back saved me.

As the days passed like this, my resolve gradually hardened.

　After settling everything, I would go to see Kanata. And if, at that moment, someone else was by her side — even if she was married — I would take her back, no matter what it took. I resolved that.

I didn’t care what anyone said. Unfortunately, unlike Kanata, it seems I wasn’t a sensible person.

Even if it was socially wrong, I loved her so deeply that I could easily leap over such things.

　In that spring of my third year, burning with such ambition, Kanata appeared before me with the same smile she’d always had.

I found myself thinking something quite out of character: perhaps God really does exist.

Spring passed, summer went by, autumn arrived, and now Kanata lies in my arms. Could there be anything happier than this? I simply cannot imagine ever letting go of this warmth.

Truthfully, perhaps it would be simpler to tell my father soon that I am gay and have him call off my engagement to Shinji.
　He’d be shocked, no doubt, and deep down disappointed, but I don’t think he’d force me to marry Shinji. The father I know well was clumsy, but that was the sort of man he was.

But the reason I haven’t done it immediately, keeping Kanata waiting — is because I feel strongly that I want to show my father, through concrete results, that my feelings aren’t half-hearted, that I’m serious.

　Since my student days, my father had probably noticed I wasn’t keen on running the company. At every opportunity, he always apologised to me. “I’m sorry for pushing the responsibility onto you,” he’d say.

That’s why he arranged Shinji for me. His ambition for social status must have seemed perfect for someone as unambitious as me. Had I not met Kanata, I would surely have chosen to marry Shinji without complaint.
　He doesn’t force ‘love’ upon me. That suited me perfectly. Far better than being pressured into a romantic relationship.

But then I met Kanata.

So now I can’t marry Shinji, and the feeling that ‘I must have children’ has vanished completely within me.

The only thing I can give back to my father, who raised me entirely alone, is achieving results in my work.

　Kanata understands my desire to at least give my father peace of mind.

That’s precisely why Kanata says nothing to me. Without a single complaint about this limbo we’re in, she simply trusts me and stays by my side.

So I want to respond properly to Kanata’s kindness and feelings.

Come spring — I’ll be able to say proudly, without hiding it from anyone, that I love you with all my heart.

“Mmm…”

Had I unconsciously tightened my embrace? Kanata gave a small groan against my chest. Her slender arms pulled me closer, her silky chestnut hair tickling my collarbone.

Gently patting her back once more, as if to lull her back to sleep so she wouldn’t wake, I soon heard her steady breathing resume.

I’m sorry, Kanata. But I won’t let you go now. I’ll cherish you forever. As long as you stay by my side, until this heart stops beating, forever… forever.

　I buried my cheek in her fluffy hair and closed my eyes. If ‘happiness’ truly existed in this world in tangible form, it was undoubtedly here, in my arms, right now. I felt certain of it.

　The next morning, as usual, I overslept. Kanata shook my shoulder, pouting her lips in displeasure. Her fingertips touched the bite marks on my shoulder – marks I’d grown accustomed to and no longer noticed – and they stung just a little.
Even though I thought, ‘That was definitely on purpose,’ I didn’t point it out. Instead, I blinked several times to reboot my brain.

“Hey, Yui-san, wake up. It’s already nine o’clock. If we don’t hurry, the limited-edition pancakes will sell out…”

“Mm… right, I’m getting up now. Good morning, Kanata…”

The alarm was set for eight, I’m sure. Probably, judging by this feeling, Kanata must have turned it off for me. I reached out, still weak from sleep, to pull Kanata closer, but she slipped away. My palm fell flat onto the crisp white sheets, leaving behind only warmth.

“Eh? What about the morning hug…?”

Saying this with apparent dissatisfaction, Kanata got out of bed. She gathered up the clothes I’d tossed aside last night, turning her head away abruptly.

“There’s no time for that. Just get up and get ready.”

I smiled faintly at Kanata, who was fumbling to fasten her bra clasp behind her back, and reached out to help her. She was as clumsy and adorable as ever.

When I hugged her from behind, she pinched my arm hard. I protested, “Ouch!” but she glared at me even more fiercely, making me laugh involuntarily.

“If it’s sold out, it’ll be your fault, Yui-san. I told you we’d have to queue at the shop, didn’t I? You promised to take me…”

I recalled how yesterday, Kanata had gazed at the image of fluffy, thick pancakes topped with generous syrup and whipped cream with sparkling eyes. I genuinely regretted oversleeping.

“Mm, it’s alright. I’ll get ready quickly.”

I did oversleep a bit… but I’m sure it’ll be alright.

Kanata must have been up by eight o’clock, yet she waited until the very last moment to wake me. That’s her kindness.

To repay that kindness, I’ve just decided to get ready at full speed.

If it’s what my beloved wishes, I’m prepared to take her anywhere.

　Even if it meant going to the ends of the earth.

If Kanata wished it, I believe I could surely fly through the sky.